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5 Tips on Communication During Sex

It takes practice to talk about the kind of sex life we want. It might even take several conversations for a couple to confront a difficult topic or to really explore the depths of a proposed addition to the sexual repertoire. But eventually it's time to do something about all of these conversations. Some of you communication-phobes out there might be thinking, "I am so glad I don't have to talk anymore and we can just get to it!" Well, bad news in the short-term but good news for your long-term sex life: the conversation is not over. GetLusty staff writer Mary-Margaret Sweene reports.

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Since leaving my job to go back to school, I've to learn how to cook in my extra time at home. My husband has always been the chef and I had been thinking that it was time I learned how to fend for myself. So I spend time before the meal preparing, obviously. Chopping, stirring, sauteeing, learning how to time all the components so it's all ready at the same time. But my job isn't done when we sit down to eat. Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!

You can see where this is going. "Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!" becomes, "Do you want it faster or slower? Do you need more lube? Shit, I forgot my beer!"

Well, sex is also like that. Below are 5 ways to keep the conversation going during sex.

#1 Find a sexy way to ask for what you want

If what you want to share with your partner is a request, don't sheepishly beg your case. Confidence is sexy. You don't have to bring whatever you are doing physically to a screeching halt to state your demands, either. "Why don't you flip me over and..." without missing a beat says lusty, sexy confidence. If you're comfortable with dirty talk, use it to your advantage here.

#2 Don't be afraid of laughter

Someone is going to sneeze during sex. Or fall off the bed. Or mention lasagna at an inappropriate time (to his credit, that only happened once).

But if we only accept perfectly candle-lit romantic comedy sex as successful sex, we're always going to fall short. Those scenes are shot until they are perfect. But they aren't real.

You are real, and that is perfect. Acknowledge that life happens, even during sex, and sometimes it is funny. Ignoring it only makes you feel awkward. And hungry for lasagna.

#3 If something is uncomfortable, make it known

How many of us have suffered through a sex position that didn't quite work for us just because we didn't want to ruin the mood? Probably too many of us, really. But while we may have been getting our partner off, we were nowhere close to orgasm. In fact, we had a charlie horse, or our hair was trapped under an elbow and being pulled, or the angle was just off. You don't have to screech and break everyone's concentration. If some slight physical maneuvering on your part doesn't solve the problem, a gentle hand can guide your partner's elbow out of your eye ball. Or, a quiet "Babe, to the left" is not offensive. If you've got a good partner, they'll want you moaning rather than wincing through the experience.

#4 Be positive, not critical

It's true. Sometimes, we just aren't on the same page with our partners. We're not feeling it, they seem tired or distracted, and we're just not hitting our groove.

If communicating during sex doesn't seem to be moving things along, it is easy to get frustrated. But please refrain from taking it out on your partner during sex. This is a vulnerable place for many people. And if your "slow down" becomes a "do you really have to go so fast all the time?!" I can guarantee your partner will slow down--to an abrupt stop.

#5 Be a good listener

Listening is just as important as sharing. Sharing takes courage. Honor that by hearing it out. Start trying to listen for your partner's non-verbal communication. Moans, sighs, body language. It's a real advantage in a long-term relationship. Take advantage!

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.
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