Couples! 5 Steps to Hotter Pillow Talk

Post-Christmas dinner, you may be thinking sex is out of the question. Not true! This is the perfect time to relax and have amazing marathon sex. And what better time to bring out your erotic talking skills? As we've podcasted about before, talking dirty is a wonderful skill to use in your bedroom! Thankfully, we've got even more insight from Sexologist Dr. Carlen Costa on getting started with this useful foreplay skill.

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When was the last time you had one of those sex sessions that was just so good you had to lock it in the spank bank? Memorable sexcapades can sometimes be few and far between which is why knowing how to get the most out of it and leave a lasting impression can be a challenge. Here’s a little tip: try sprinkling in a touch of dirty talk!

For some people, spicing it up with a little dirty talk has the ability to amp up an already seriously piquant sex-perience. Whether you’re handling your hook up or heavy petting with your partner, if you can find the confidence to either whisper something naughty in their ear or growl a little some kind of sexy-wonderful you are going to definitely get your pleasure pal’s attention.

Are you feeling confused and turned on all at the same time right now? Let me help you clear that up so you can get to practicing your dirty words in a less techno sex kind of way. Take a look at my 5 key tips to how to get down & get dirty talkin’.

#1 Know your dirty talk style


The reason why dirty talk is hot is because it’s already something different that you add to your sex play. The element of surprise is essentially already on your side. If you’re new to the dirty talk world, start simple. Dirty talk isn’t about being grimy. It can be naughty, saucy, spicy, and mild between the degrees of hard vs. soft styles.

Some of us are seasoned lovers and have our sexy toolboxes ready for any occasion, while some of us would just rather not. By using language that is at your comfort level you can ease into practicing your skills. Mastering dirty talk is like knowing that you don’t jump into the pool, you put your toe in first. By showing off that you know the 7 dirtiest words to not say on TV in the first few minutes of your encounter, you can come across as fake and demeaning thereby, killing the mood. Just be you and know your limitations.

#2 It’s not what you say; it’s how you say it


Whether you’re with a one night hook-up or your perma bed buddy, introducing dirty talk to your own sex files can be intimidating. With one night stands, it may be perceived that you have less to lose (other than your dignity). Some of my male friends informed me that a lot of “younger guys” get in there and do their thing and forget about what the other person wants.

They jump in for a show rather than an experience. Don’t get me wrong, everyone likes to mix it up and have a good time, but whether you’re feeling over confident or not at all, when it comes to dirty talk it’s all in the delivery. The tone of your voice, the speed of your words and your overall confidence can make all the difference. Sex can be weird, uncomfortable and awkward at times, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Showing that you can be real or really seductive is all in the delivery.

#3 No need to start off on the deep end


Great sex artists are masters of every sexy aspect from fashion to fellatio. But that doesn’t mean that you have to be. If dirty talk just doesn’t feel natural, don’t sweat it! Here’s the thing. As we grow, so do our desires. We evolve and crave change.

Being able to change it up in the bedroom is what keeps many of us feeling alive. But there’s no need to feel like you’re bringing a knife to a gun fight. The best way to impress someone between the sheets is just by being you and having a great time. If you’re lucky enough to get hot and heavy with a special someone I would focus more on providing them with ultimate physical pleasure than not-quite-thought-out dirty talk. Knowing you and your partners limits can ease any pressure from preconceived expectations. It’s all about having a great time with the other person and feeling pleasure… really, it’s that simple.

#4 Start small and work your way up

People often think that dirty talk has to be downright filthy to make an impression. Fortunately, it is au contraire. The moment feels right, things are getting hot and both of you are thrilled in embrace. If you’re feeling an urge to say something, then say what feels natural. Not what you saw in a porno, unless it legitimately turns you on. This isn’t an episode of “sexing with the stars,” and America is not voting based on your saucy talk skills.

Trying to be extreme just for the sake of it instead of sex playing based on the actual mood can kill the whole experience. If you want to amp it up a bit start with the small steps and see how your partner reacts. Try talking to them first and be sure to start where your comfort level is at or else it comes off as trying too hard (or too intense). It’s about being in sync with your partner and discovering the elements to elevating your sexual capacity together. Trying new things can be really fun, no matter who you’re playing with; just be sure you’re being real and not putting on a late night special.

#5 The pre-game: dirty talking in a digital age

Let’s face it. Social media and smart phones are the new norms of today. This means our methods of communication have expanded leaving quite a bit of room for our naughty natures to come to full bloom. Sexting, which is sending explicit messages to someone through a device such as a cell phone or online, is increasing in prevalence.

Sexting can also be used as a part of foreplay to ignite feelings of anticipation and raise the heat levels! Just remember to sext responsibly. Just because you can’t see the person doesn’t give you free reign to go to nasty town and lay out all your pervy desires. Be respectful of the person you’re talking to and recognize the limits. Remembering that once it’s out there texts, personal messages, instant messages or otherwise are digital and may come back to haunt you in the future… including those pics of your tasty bits. So be smart about how and to whom you’re exercising your digital love.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living Tumblr.

Speaking of talking dirty, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker'. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

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The Importance of Safewords

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Why Talk About Commitment

We always learn from JacoPhillip Crous, our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships. He is full of so much wisdom and advice when it comes to bettering our own long-term relationships through communication. Getting to know your partner's wants, needs and desires through effective communication and feedback improves our relationships. Communication and commitment are extremely important and having a consensual, committed relationship will not only lead to a healthier love life but you will also have a firm foundation to let your relationship grow.

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Actively communicate

Communication is the buzz word for most relationship counseling, whether it comes from your BFF or your very expensive couples therapist.  The language of love, sex, and relationships is always changing.  It is important to recognize that "communication" is not just a catch all word for making your relationship better. Communication is a means for people to address wants, needs and issues so we can be happier in our exploration of our selves.

Often times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to experience something new or to try something different. The problem is, what “new” or “different” means to one person may bear little or no resemblance to what it means to the next.  Even if you have developed your own couple’s-telepathy, lovers still need to actively communicate dialogue with feedback and explanation of meaning or emotion.

For example, when one person gets around to using the word "new" in a relationship, to the speaker “new” means something that they have probably thought of for a while, but haven't had the ability to express it to the other person.  The listener or recipient of the message may find the actual idea “new” because, until now they have probably not thought of it at all before or the couple hasn't spoken of the thought previously. For another couple, "new" can mean something that both the speaker and recipient have been thinking about, but neither partner had the means to articulate and initiate the conversation.  My advice is to explore your foundations of communication and commitment before adding the "new" or "different."

Understand where you and your partner are coming from

In a committed relationship, there are many aspects of communication that have to be addressed so that both partners can understand each other.  If either party doesn't understand their own needs, wants, and desires, holding a conversation about adding a new idea will be difficult.  Either party may not realize what they are consenting to or what is expected of them.  To use a metaphor, you have a very detailed treasure map for the island, but if you don't know where the island is located you won't get very far.  Understanding where both you and your partner are coming from is essential in communicating your ideas to each other.

So how do you figure out what you want, what you may get, what is wanted of you, and what you would consent to give?  Let's try to acknowledge that some of the psychobabble and self help literature doesn't give you straight up answers, again it gets lumped in with the word communication as if we inherently understand what that entails.

What is Alpha communication?

Alpha communication is a trusting communication motivated by care for one another. This is based on both partners being honest, real, and transparent with one another about your needs, wants, and desires to benefit your consensual commitment to each other. For some couples, this conversation is the proverbial deal breaker for the relationship; to what depths/heights of commitment are the two of you willing to consent to now. The relationship doesn’t need to accommodate any specific changes in the moment, but there must be consensus on the commitment capacity of your relationship.  Then you can start to add new strategies and approaches to be able to understand what each other is trying to say.

What are Alpha topics?

Consent to what are “Alpha-topics” for your particular partnership needs to be acknowledged and communicated clearly, here in the Alpha-conversation. This consent to your commitment is necessary if consensus is to be achieved in future communication on how such topics can be addressed and made practicable.  Consider this a framework for understanding the other person and where they are coming from.  It is like a foundation to a house being built.  Many of you probably have already spoken about some of these topics: ideas and feelings on marriage, children, religion, respect, lifestyle, and finances among other fundamental values.  Once you have expressed your concepts on these points and your belief structures, your partnership has a basis for understanding how to evolve and change through active communication.

If you’re not talking about the things that actually make partnership consensus and consensual commitment, you may as well consign your relationship commitment to an individual monologue.  Your message recipient will not understand nor be willing to actively listen.  There are an infinite number of websites and self help books out there that will tell you communication is key, but very few that explain how to get there.  Starting with these main ideologies and determining what "language" you and your partner are speaking will help guide the conversation and communication actively.

Relationships that dissolve supposedly because of “unrealistic expectations” in regards to Alpha topics such as the ones mentioned above, actually may have come apart anyway.  Getting real – honest and transparent – about consensual and commitment expectations in Alpha conversations may only accelerate dissolution because any impurities (dishonesty and nondisclosure) and flaws (insecurity and lack of transparency) that might be allowed to persist in your relationship, will only become more pronounced as you add more misunderstanding to the mix by adding secondary or new conversations.

For many other couples, Alpha conversation will only deepen and enrich the consensual relationship commitment you already have and enjoy. I am not saying saying it will always be smooth going, but knowing what you each want to maintain and what to develop in your relationship as you move forward will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.  Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road when challenges come up. By confirming a consensual partnership foundation in Alpha conversation, and making sure you’re on the same page about the relationship, you’ll have smoother Beta (secondary) conversations leading to a more satisfying partnership and easier communication.

Regardless of your partnership, gay/straight, open/poly/monogamous, various power dynamic structures, clarifying your message and giving feedback to your partner based on an understanding of their communication style and language will assist in a healthier relationship.  We can all empower ourselves with the variety of information on communication via the Internet or knowledgeable professionals. But being able to assimilate and use that information appropriately is the difference between successful communication and eventually giving up and walking out the door.

Relationship example

Malcolm, 28, and Dean, 29, are a couple that has been in a relationship for the past three years.  Dean was committed to Malcolm yet felt that the traditional/straight model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and fidelity didn’t match his experience. He wanted to be a cock-tease; able to flirt under his lover’s supervision, and sometimes, with the consent of Malcolm, bring such spoils home for both of them to share in.

Malcolm was somewhat open to this idea, but worried that Dean wasn’t really committed to him and was just using something “new” and “different” as a way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to explore “new” and “different” with anyone else, I spent some months with them helping the couple sort out how they felt about their own relationship as it stood, and what it meant in the life of each man in the here and now.  Forming a foundation for consensual commitment and understanding helped confirm the couple's relationship and gave them a basis for making the additional changes for a happier, healthier commitment to each other.

Each partner in Malcolm and Dean's relationship had to determine what the term "commitment" meant to himself.  Both examined how committed to the other he was and what level of commitment each had for the other.  They determined if they were in the "pre-commitment" stage of the conversation where they determined if they were in a long-term relationship, somewhere in the middle, or had something else completely.  To be on the same page to communicate effectively, Malcolm and Dean examined their own beliefs in the Alpha-conversation and had to be honest about what their need, wants, and desires were.

Ask yourself questions

Alpha conversation opens up a steady flow of considerations for you and your lover.  Communication starts with self-examination and understanding of where we are coming from and where our partners are coming from.  Some other questions we should ask ourselves when looking for effective communication in a relationship are:  What else is going on in our life? Do you have space and time to devote to exploring consensual commitment and sexual development in your relationship? How much time and energy are we willing to put into this exploration? How will we handle different levels of resources, energy, attention, etc. practicably, as a couple?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to keep your existing relationship (the romance and the friendship) healthy and thriving? Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself to grow?

Do I know what makes my partner feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra attention on nurturing my existing relationship even as I make my way through the world? Where do I want to be sure to put that extra attention? Do I know what makes me feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do I see for myself here?

This understanding of what a good foundation for communication of our commitment to our relationships, will be further explored in a later GetLusty article.  My goal here is to help our readers get the most lust, sexy, satisfying, healthy relationship by offering tools for understanding each other and learning to be on the same page in our communications.  My last word of advice...in all of our endeavors, do It well; do It safe. And GetLusty!

He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Consent: What It Isn't

Ending boring sex is important to the GetLusty crew. More specifically, ending boring sex through tantalizing, exciting and adventurous consensual sex is important. We have written about what consent is, but do we know what it isn't? Our own Rachel Colias reports.

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Consent is a simple enough concept, but the necessity of it is what generally becomes vague in the portrayal of sex as a whole. So let’s ask the question most don’t: what isn’t consent?

• If a person does not have the option to say “no,” it’s not consensual
• If a person is being coerced, it’s not consensual
• If a person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, it’s not consensual
• If a person is unconscious, it’s not consensual
• If either of the parties is under the legal age of consent, it’s not consensual
• Silence is not consent
• If a person does not reciprocate, it’s not consensual
• If a person fights back without establishing beforehand the fighting as part of the sex act, it’s not consensual
• ANY version of the word “no” — not now, wait..., maybe later, it hurts, I’m not in the mood, fuck off, don’t touch me, I’m not sure, let’s just go to sleep, but..., stop, leave me alone, don’t — does not count as consent.

Any version of the word “no” means no and if a person continues the sexual interaction after a “no” has been established in some way, the action is now assault.

Now that we understand that there are many ways to say “Yes” and “No." If you read my previous article, Consent 101, we all need to understand why the difference is important.

Why do we need consent? The most obvious reason is because sexual interactions that include consenting participants is the only legal type of sexual interaction that exists. Beyond obvious issues of legality arise the issues of personal, mental and physical health.

Being the recipient of non-consensual interactions is traumatic and should never be an experience someone has to endure. Forcing or coercing someone into a non-consensual interaction is entirely unacceptable and causes serious harm to the non-consenting participant. What a lot of people don’t or choose to not realize is that a lack of consent results in assault and rape.

This misunderstanding due to a lack of communication is bad for both or all parties. As mentioned above, victims of sexual assault or rape are especially hurt by the non-consensual act and are in no way at fault for what has happened to them. It’s hard also for a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife, or sexual partner to hear that what they’ve done constitutes assault or rape. A sexual partner that, for example, slaps their partner in the face during sex thinking it will be hot, but doesn’t ask permission beforehand, might not intentionally be trying to hurt the other person involved. However that lack of communication and consent is what hurts people and breaks trust.

So please remember, consent is a necessary aspect of any sexual interaction; you must recognize and respect everyone’s right to say “no” and their sexual boundaries.

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! E-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

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How to Integrate Communication Into Sex

If you’ve been keeping up with our consent series, you now have extensive knowledge concerning “What it is” and “What doesn’t count.” You’re a consent expert! But it’s time to take that fabulous knowledge one step further; integrating consent into your own sexual interactions.

There’s a common misconception that establishing and vocalizing consent and checking in with your partner/s throughout the sexual experience is something only people involved with the BDSM or kink culture do. Well we’re here to tell you that that just isn’t true! Looking out for each participants’ comfort and safety in any type of sex act is not only essential, but it can also be incredibly hot! Our Rachel Colias reports.

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Asking outright, “Would you like to...” when initiating a sexual act with someone is one of the most important first steps. Before beginning everyone should be on board and on the same page. There also needs to be an establishment of what everyone involved should expect to happen. Basically, no one should plan on pulling out a surprise dildo from under the bed halfway through and expect their partner/s to be okay with it.

But that’s not where the vocalizing of consent stops. The act of checking in, or making sure your partner/s is/are comfortable and want to continue throughout the entire act, is just as essential as getting the initial “yes.” You’ll remember that at any time a person can and has the right to change their mind about what they do and do not want to do and that has to be respected. But this process of checking in doesn’t have to be mechanical or dry, so to speak. Dirty talk phrases such as “Do you like that?” or “How’s that feel?” are great examples of continuing to make sure what you’re doing to or for your partner/s is still consensual.

Asking for permission before trying something new is another sexy way to practice consent and you can ask anytime before you’d like to actually try it. For instance, you can ask “Can I slap your ass tonight?” over dinner or “I’m really interested in playing with your nipples later. How do you feel about that?” while you both are out to dinner or are cleaning the apartment. This asking can also be something you do in the heat of the moment! If you and your partner/s have never tried anal, it’s something you can suggest during a great spanking session.

A wonderful way to ensure that your partner is okay with everything that transpired is to also ask when the sexual interaction is over. You should’ve already gotten the okay to do anything that happened beforehand, but it’s great to double check!  Double checking is also a great way to ask ahead, like I mentioned earlier. Let’s say, for instance, you personally enjoyed pulling your partner’s hair. You could ask afterwards “I really loved pulling your hair, can I do that again next time?” This way you better understand whether your partner enjoyed something as much as you and whether or not they’d like to repeat it in the future.

Consent is sexy and it should be something you and your sexual partners practice on a regular basis! This kind of communication not only keeps everyone comfortable and happy, but also really builds trust within relationships. Even if you plan on only having sex with someone once, trust is essential for an enjoyable sexual experience.

This article is written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication in sex.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. E-mail her at editorial@getlusty.com.

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5 Tips on Communication During Sex

It takes practice to talk about the kind of sex life we want. It might even take several conversations for a couple to confront a difficult topic or to really explore the depths of a proposed addition to the sexual repertoire. But eventually it's time to do something about all of these conversations. Some of you communication-phobes out there might be thinking, "I am so glad I don't have to talk anymore and we can just get to it!" Well, bad news in the short-term but good news for your long-term sex life: the conversation is not over. GetLusty staff writer Mary-Margaret Sweene reports.

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Since leaving my job to go back to school, I've to learn how to cook in my extra time at home. My husband has always been the chef and I had been thinking that it was time I learned how to fend for myself. So I spend time before the meal preparing, obviously. Chopping, stirring, sauteeing, learning how to time all the components so it's all ready at the same time. But my job isn't done when we sit down to eat. Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!

You can see where this is going. "Do you want more cheese sprinkled on that? Do you need another napkin? Shit, I forgot my beer!" becomes, "Do you want it faster or slower? Do you need more lube? Shit, I forgot my beer!"

Well, sex is also like that. Below are 5 ways to keep the conversation going during sex.

#1 Find a sexy way to ask for what you want

If what you want to share with your partner is a request, don't sheepishly beg your case. Confidence is sexy. You don't have to bring whatever you are doing physically to a screeching halt to state your demands, either. "Why don't you flip me over and..." without missing a beat says lusty, sexy confidence. If you're comfortable with dirty talk, use it to your advantage here.

#2 Don't be afraid of laughter
 

Someone is going to sneeze during sex. Or fall off the bed. Or mention lasagna at an inappropriate time (to his credit, that only happened once).

But if we only accept perfectly candle-lit romantic comedy sex as successful sex, we're always going to fall short. Those scenes are shot until they are perfect. But they aren't real.

You are real, and that is perfect. Acknowledge that life happens, even during sex, and sometimes it is funny. Ignoring it only makes you feel awkward. And hungry for lasagna.

#3 If something is uncomfortable, make it known

How many of us have suffered through a sex position that didn't quite work for us just because we didn't want to ruin the mood? Probably too many of us, really. But while we may have been getting our partner off, we were nowhere close to orgasm. In fact, we had a charlie horse, or our hair was trapped under an elbow and being pulled, or the angle was just off. You don't have to screech and break everyone's concentration. If some slight physical maneuvering on your part doesn't solve the problem, a gentle hand can guide your partner's elbow out of your eye ball. Or, a quiet "Babe, to the left" is not offensive. If you've got a good partner, they'll want you moaning rather than wincing through the experience.

#4 Be positive, not critical

It's true. Sometimes, we just aren't on the same page with our partners. We're not feeling it, they seem tired or distracted, and we're just not hitting our groove.

If communicating during sex doesn't seem to be moving things along, it is easy to get frustrated. But please refrain from taking it out on your partner during sex. This is a vulnerable place for many people. And if your "slow down" becomes a "do you really have to go so fast all the time?!" I can guarantee your partner will slow down--to an abrupt stop.

#5 Be a good listener

Listening is just as important as sharing. Sharing takes courage. Honor that by hearing it out. Start trying to listen for your partner's non-verbal communication. Moans, sighs, body language. It's a real advantage in a long-term relationship. Take advantage!

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest. She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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Consent 101: What Is It, Anyway?

This seems silly. Why are we talking about consent with couples who are already engaged in sex. It must always be consensual, right? Well, not so much. Sometimes we ladies (or gents) feel obliged to have sex. We don't overtly consent during the start, middle and end. Cross boundaries and we feel really bad. It can start a relationship problem. Don't fall into that trap! Consent. Be clear. We'll tell you how.

Consent is super hot. You're both getting exactly what you want and need. Can you get any sexier than perfection? That's why we're starting a three part series on consent. What is it, anyway? What isn't it? And, how do I communicate to have an amazing sexual relationship?

With the general ambiguity of most pop culture portrayals of sex, we feel obligated to clarify what is and is not acceptable for sexual consent. In this first installment, we define consent. Rachel Colias is here to talk about the subject that's near and dear to our hearts. Consensual, amazing sex. 

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Definition

Consent is something a person does or says to communicate their desire to participate in a sexual activity; consent is a verb and it is enthusiastic. This active consent includes vocalizing an initial agreement with a partner or partners.  Don’t be confused, though. That initial “yes,” is something that can be taken back and does not include agreeing to everything their partner wishes to do.

More specifically, now

For instance, a person can consent to having their nipples sucked. However, that does not mean they consent to having their underwear removed; a person can consent to oral sex, but that does no mean they consent to intercourse. There is no such thing as an all-encompassing “yes,” nor is there an obligation for the consenting parties to do anything they do not wish to do. As the wonderfully hilarious band Flight of the Conchords sings, “a kiss is not a contract”; participating in one sexual act does not obligate a person to take the interaction any further.


Do it. Over and over. Just like sex!

Giving consent once does not also obligate a person to consent to the same thing on a different occasion either. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex a certain way or with a particular person only once; consent is not something that carries over and it can’t be used against someone if they don’t want to repeat an act or have sex with the same person on a separate occasion. No one “owes” you anything and you never “owe” another person something. Sex should be your and your partner’s choice. 

Along with being enthusiastic, consent is also sober. Taking advantage of someone who is drunk or under the influence of drugs is not consensual nor is it acceptable or legal. Consent needs to be something received and given before anything sexual can happen and it can’t be assumed.

Respect. Love. Enjoy!

Consent is something you respect. It’s a necessary aspect of all sexual interactions and no one should ever be made to feel bad about not wanting to participate in particular sexual acts. Consent is something you should always obtain and communicate. 

This article is by our awesome new columnist Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication. 

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators, playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follower her Tumblr blog here! Also e-mail her directly at editorial@getlusty.com.

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Consent Porn: Why It's Hot

We've covered how porn can be beautiful and why some object yesterday. We admit, we're pro-feminist porn and we have a bias. But how about consent porn? When you watch, make, or search for porn, consent might be the most important aspect of the experience.

Unfortunately, sex is portrayed in popular movies, TV shows, books without consent written in to the process. Although the viewer is generally meant to assume that all parties involved have consented beforehand, by leaving that vocalization of boundaries and desires out, viewers get the wrong idea about what healthy sex should look and feel like.

And although we understand porn isn't necessarily sex education, sometimes we do what we watch on porn because we thing its' real. Overall, this ambiguity can lead to potentially harmful or distressing sexual interactions and confusion about how a person should vocalize their dissatisfaction with their partner. Our new writer, Rachel Colias, is here to talk more about how a new Kickstarter called, "Consent porn" is really, really hot and you should support it!

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Daniel Copulsky is a fellow Chicago consent advocate and has started his own sex-positive project. His Kickstarter project? It's called, "Consent Porn: Collected Erotica Featuring Consent". Its plans? Deliver exactly what it implies; hot, written erotica that includes the consent process. Part of this process, as outlined in Daniel’s Kickstarter description, includes characters in the erotica who, “talk about what they want, negotiate their limits, discuss safer sex, set boundaries with their partners, use safewords, and check in with each other.”

Daniel’s project is one GetLusty for Couples is especially excited about. We think consensual, amazing sex is really hot. However, some porn can be very vague--to actively crossing-boundaries. And that's not hot. We do appreciate others' interest in things like 'gang rape porn' but that's completely not our thing. (Although, before and after such porn filmings, they have chats with the stars to confirm their consent.)

By publishing and creating more consent-based pornography and erotica we chip away at the current rape culture we exist in; we stand firmly with those who understand and spread the necessity of clear consent within all types of sexual interactions and relationships.

Interested in integrating more vocalized, communicative consent into your own sex life? Fill in the blanks of this awesome consent form (to the left) with your partner.

Not only is this communication hot in itself, but it also encourages people in real-life situations to better communicate their own needs or discomfort. Daniel explains that his project will not be exclusive to any one type of erotica or sexual relationship.

If this is the kind of project you’d like to help ensure sees it all the way to publication and completion, there are a few ways you can help out. Daniel’s pledge goal is $5,000 and the deadline is Thursday November 1, 2012. This money will go towards website promotion, printing, paying authors, and the publication process. If you donate $25.00 or more you even get your own printed copy of the final book!

If you don’t want to donate money, but still wish to contribute Daniel and his project members are currently accepting erotica submissions. Have other ideas? They also still need people, especially with experience, to help them with “Publicizing the project, soliciting and reading submissions, proofreading, editing, designing the book and website, getting the anthology into stores, shipping orders, organizing readings, and thinking of other good stuff we ought to do.”

We love Daniel’s project and we definitely want to see its completion. If you'd like to contribute in any way or just learn more about the project, you can find his Kickstarter at this link.

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators, playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn't approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty for Couples or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! E-mail her at editorial@getlusty.com.

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