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How to Integrate Communication Into Sex

If you’ve been keeping up with our consent series, you now have extensive knowledge concerning “What it is” and “What doesn’t count.” You’re a consent expert! But it’s time to take that fabulous knowledge one step further; integrating consent into your own sexual interactions.

There’s a common misconception that establishing and vocalizing consent and checking in with your partner/s throughout the sexual experience is something only people involved with the BDSM or kink culture do. Well we’re here to tell you that that just isn’t true! Looking out for each participants’ comfort and safety in any type of sex act is not only essential, but it can also be incredibly hot! Our Rachel Colias reports.

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Asking outright, “Would you like to...” when initiating a sexual act with someone is one of the most important first steps. Before beginning everyone should be on board and on the same page. There also needs to be an establishment of what everyone involved should expect to happen. Basically, no one should plan on pulling out a surprise dildo from under the bed halfway through and expect their partner/s to be okay with it.

But that’s not where the vocalizing of consent stops. The act of checking in, or making sure your partner/s is/are comfortable and want to continue throughout the entire act, is just as essential as getting the initial “yes.” You’ll remember that at any time a person can and has the right to change their mind about what they do and do not want to do and that has to be respected. But this process of checking in doesn’t have to be mechanical or dry, so to speak. Dirty talk phrases such as “Do you like that?” or “How’s that feel?” are great examples of continuing to make sure what you’re doing to or for your partner/s is still consensual.

Asking for permission before trying something new is another sexy way to practice consent and you can ask anytime before you’d like to actually try it. For instance, you can ask “Can I slap your ass tonight?” over dinner or “I’m really interested in playing with your nipples later. How do you feel about that?” while you both are out to dinner or are cleaning the apartment. This asking can also be something you do in the heat of the moment! If you and your partner/s have never tried anal, it’s something you can suggest during a great spanking session.

A wonderful way to ensure that your partner is okay with everything that transpired is to also ask when the sexual interaction is over. You should’ve already gotten the okay to do anything that happened beforehand, but it’s great to double check!  Double checking is also a great way to ask ahead, like I mentioned earlier. Let’s say, for instance, you personally enjoyed pulling your partner’s hair. You could ask afterwards “I really loved pulling your hair, can I do that again next time?” This way you better understand whether your partner enjoyed something as much as you and whether or not they’d like to repeat it in the future.

Consent is sexy and it should be something you and your sexual partners practice on a regular basis! This kind of communication not only keeps everyone comfortable and happy, but also really builds trust within relationships. Even if you plan on only having sex with someone once, trust is essential for an enjoyable sexual experience.

This article is written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication in sex.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. E-mail her at
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