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Why Won’t He Have Sex With Me?

Being fresh into a relationship can come up with numerous questions. Though many of our readers are in long-term relationships, we can remember thinking back to year one. Things were wonderful, but sometimes these new relationships come with some problems. What happens when your lover doesn't want to have sex? This question came from one of our followers, and what better way to introduce J. Cameron Gantt, the Insti(Gay)tor, and our go-to-gay for newly coupled dates and relationships!

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, but for the last 6 months I feel like we are stuck. Basically, we don’t have sex anymore. We used to have it on a daily basis and it was amazing. But lately it seems like he avoids it at all costs. He even goes as far as to start arguments with me just to kill the mood.

A few weeks ago, I caught him jerking off while looking at porn and he was totally into it…until he finally unglued his eyes from the screen and looked up. I wasn’t even mad at the fact that he was looking at porn, I was more upset because I felt betrayed. I have been sexually starved for 6 months, breaking my back trying to get our sex life back on track, and he’s been having jerk-fest at 3am while he thinks I’m asleep. I have tried to discuss this with him and even now he refuses to talk about it.

I love him, but I can’t hold out any longer. I don’t want to end things, but I have been considering cheating on him. If I do, I know that there will be no coming back from that. What can I do to help save things?

Billy Blu Balls, 35

Dear Billy Blu Balls,

Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Bad sex is just as bad as no sex and both can drive a guy insane. Hopefully, my advice can help you get things back on track.

I don’t know your boyfriend, but I suspect that there is something deeper going on with him. Typically when sex patterns change, it is indicative that something deeper is going on. Maybe there has been a drastic change in another area of his life that has transitioned into the bedroom. Maybe he is having some self-esteem issues or maybe he’s addicted to porn…who knows. There is no real way for you to know for sure unless you two start communicating. Whatever he is going through is beyond your control and things aren’t going to get better unless he is willing to engage with you.

This is what I want you to remember: your needs are important, and though sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, it is a valid one (at least in the top 5). I appreciate your honesty but the fact that you are admitting to wanting to cheat on him may be a sign that this may not be the right relationship for you.

Here’s what I suggest:

Your relationship with him is still fairly new. We’d like to think that a year is a long period of time but the reality is that you two are barely scratching the surface of getting to know each other. I suggest you guys pull a “Ross and Rachel” and take a break. It sounds like both of you may need some space and figure out what type of relationship you have now, and the type of relationship you want to have moving forward.

The break shouldn’t last longer than 2 weeks and you make it a point not to contact each other until that period is over. During this time, you should focus on you and what you want and let him focus on him. At the end of the break, meet up in a neutral territory so you can get reacquainted with each other. Both of you should be open and honest about your wants and needs. See if there is any opportunity to repair what has been broken and, if you are both game, work together to and commit to making things better. I would even suggest hiring a helping professional to assist in moderating to avoid slipping back into the same old pattern. If you decide to break things off, make it a clean break and commit to living your best single gay sex life.

Either way, focus your time and energy on moving forward and not feeling stuck.

I hope things work out for you,
J. Cameron

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor, a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including and He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at
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