10 Relationship Myths We Must "Whack Off"

Masturbation is a healthy and natural act of self-love. Stressed out? Masturbate! Feeling horny? Masturbate! We recommend both she and he masturbate. Since masturbation seems to be such a great way to release and improve on oneself, we thought it would be interesting to take the idea of masturbation to relationships. Jacsman, our favorite resident writer on long-term gay relationships, is here with advice on how to masturbate or "whack off" 10 relationship myths that keep us from growing closer and becoming more intimate with one another.

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Masturbation as metaphor

Masturbation’s impulsive pleasure is one of the most significant joys that we bring with us into our relationships. As we took our pleasure into our own hands before — “polishing-the-pearl” during tea break, or “whacking-it-off” while waiting for the midday news report to commence — within coupledom, we have this agency in our partnership satisfaction. When that opportunity comes up during the day, we are intentional: we whack-it-off and then proceed with the rest of our occupations. What better sense of achievement (in under fifteen minutes) is there?

Masturbation is essential to sustaining the hearty sexual satisfaction we need in ourselves to experience satisfaction in our lovers. So I have paramount agency in my psychosexual satisfaction, being dependent on your lover for such satisfaction is problematic. It is potentially unhealthy for your relationship, since creating and making demands of your lover on a daily basis will empty them out in no time at all.

Prioritize your love 

Only if partners have their personal psychosexual satisfactions firmly in hand can the prime achievement of coupledom intimacy contribute to lovers’ experience of commitment. There are of course gradations of intimacy, and these are comparatively opaque in gay relationships, perhaps not from within our partnerships, but particularly from the outside looking in.

Though we do not need to follow heterosexual touchstones, to the larger part of the LGBTQ community the intimacy markers of engagement, marriage, and parenthood that characterise the bond between heterosexual couples are out of reach. Lacking such socio-culturally recognized status can be a source of dubiety in a gay partnership, becoming problematic when it interferes with the expression of feelings in the relationship.

The commitment that continued sexual and emotional involvement might imply can remain ambiguous indefinitely. Instead of just whacking-it-off, sitting down and doing it, talking honestly and transparently about our options/expectations and identifying/prioritizing our intimacy goals, we put this important communication off and continue getting by on assumption. In particular, gay men can be scared off by the intensity of prioritizing intimacy in this way. I suspect it is because we are, at first, virgins to the deeply gratifying pleasure resulting from taking hold of the opportunity to communicate quite so honestly and just whacking-it-off, getting it done, and then persisting in doing it. Committing to it until it is habit.

Hopefully, it's clear by this point why I am riding this masturbation metaphor. Masturbation in my committed sexual relationship serves to ensure my pleasure, distance, and time apart from my lover to see to my agency in my personal psychosexual satisfaction. Prioritizing and habituating honesty, transparency, and the celebration of our authentic love for each other serves to ensure our deepest pleasure, our sincerest intimacy, and most precious anniversaries together. You’ll come to cherish this pleasure too and in any moment during your day!

Relationship myths

What gives me great pleasure to tell you is that by whacking-off your intimacy and partnership priority, you'll come to understand the truth of your commitment and the true pleasure of your relationship, sexual and otherwise. Just as most couples, we buy into at least one of the common, and dare I say heterosexual socio-cultural myths, that mislead us in our most important interpersonal relationship. After all, LGBTQ souls, in wonderment, integrated the same fairy tales all people share in collective consciousness: Prince Charming, the Sleeping Beauty, Brave Huntsman, the Wicked Stepmother, and need I even mention Happily Ever After?

In "The Heart of Love," John F. Demartini notes that American President John F. Kennedy once pointed out, “The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic”. Most valid here, his surety for realistic living is to stop enjoying “the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

Going beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment makes it necessary for us to prioritize our love’s truth and transparency; once a couple is in the habit of eliminating this, the joy of emancipation from false relationship myths climaxes in most intense relationship intimacy, sexually or otherwise.

The 10 relationship myths to "whack-off"

Rubbing out the following ten myths can, in some cases very ironically, be the most poignant bonding experiences for gay couples:

#1 My relationship makes me happy

Nope, you make you happy.

#2 My soulmate completes me

You are a complete human being in and of yourself.

#3 A “real” relationship will last forever 

All relationships are real and all relationships last as long as it is real for the lovers.

#4 Once we overcome choppy waters it will be smooth sailing 

Afraid not; storms come and go.

#5 A good relationship requires sacrifice 

Think again. Fulfilling coupledom requires communication and understanding, not martyrdom.

#6 Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship

Ecstatic sex can be honed from mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy, all grown over time.

#7 In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it 

Commitment requires continued practice.

#8 In a relationship, I’ll never feel lonely 

Your feelings are involuntary, your lover cannot rescind them.

#9 Children can validate our commitment 

Your commitment is not your child’s/children’s responsibility.

#10 Opposites attract

You are not a couple of fridge magnets.

When to "Whack-it-off"

Once rid of the delusions, it becomes a matter of rhythm how you whack-it-off. It is your dialogical business as lovers to nurture mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy with each other. The 21st century lifestyle doesn’t allow for too many of these engagements, and while there is no magic number appropriate for every relationship, I consider one or two times per month as the bare-assed minimum to sustain relationship development. Calendaring might sound too businesslike, but calendaring is proactive prioritization of both your lover and your relationship. Setting a date with your partner assures a night of potency on the docket, more often than not in both cases: emotional and orgasmic. Everything leading up to the date is effectively edging, until, together, you whack-it-off.

Even the most time strapped, communicatively challenged partners should never miss mandatory (birthday, anniversary, etc.) opportunities to prioritize their love and consideration for each other, when any excuse less than anaphylactic shock won't exempt a partner from duty to commitment and love. Also, create your practicable fairy tale by inventing your own "touchstone" moments.

In a future GetLusty post, I will arouse your imagination on how to recognize and lovingly carve out such mandatory opportunities to whittle on your intimacy communication. The best place to start however, is to get lusty for it and just whack-it-off. Just do it. Get Lusty endeavours to get couples there, whether straight or gay.

Develop and understand your relationship better; again, whether a gay or straight couple, turn the lust up for one another and subscribe to GetLusty. GetLusty guides us towards intimate understanding of our love for each other as we all aspire to nurture the kind of commitment that can sustain our souls. I’ll do near anything to help you get your lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well, do It safe.
Jacsman


He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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Creating Your Sexiest Bedroom: Do's and Don'ts

An amazing sexual relationship is, of course, created with the five pillars of an amazing relationship. But if your bedroom is keeping your sex life from moving you to the next level, consider moving furniture around. At GetLusty, we care about the feng shui of your bedroom. Why? It represents you! Here are a few tips from sex therapy and relationship counselors Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird tell you about creating the right bedroom atmosphere for great sex!

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Creating a love nest is very important. But sadly, the boudoir is sometimes overlooked and severely neglected. When thinking about your bedroom, is it a place you can relax and unwind? Do you want to spend time in there? Is it romantic? Or is your bedroom a place you want to avoid? Is it cluttered or filled with work?

Think about it. “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” Thus, if you want more energy in the bedroom, then you must put some attention into it! So let’s get started! Here are a few simple Dos and Don’ts to help you create your very own love nest.

Bedroom Don'ts:

Have computers, iPhones, televisions and other electronic work distractions in your bedroom. Studies show that couples with a television in their bedroom have half the amount of sex as couples who don’t. (However, you can have a television in the bedroom only if you use it to watch erotic videos!)

• Work desks, office stuff, etc.
• Exercise equipment
• Baby clothes or other accessories
• Clutter and dirt (just give a small clean daily)
• Bright colors or loud/busy patterns on the walls
• Overly bright lights (unless interrogation is your thing)
• Uncomfortable and noisy bed (was that you going bump in the night?)
• And of course, child-like décor. Meaning, no race car beds!!

Bedroom Do's:

Great bedrooms are sexy and radiate positivity.

• Consider using all your senses (sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste)!
• Use satin sheets or soft bed sheets with high thread counts (over 350) Fur blankets, shag rugs and soft area carpets help to dampen noises
• Use candles (including massage candles – some are even edible) and potpourri
• Romantic wall colors (neutral tones are calming and soothing, warm tones are sexy and cool tones can be spa-like, relaxing and calming)
• Mirrors and romantic photos (black and white pictures, landscapes, etc.)
• Soft/dim lighting
• CD player or iPod with romantic music ready to be played
• A chest or secret decorative box (to store all your fun and sexy toys and aids, of course!)
• A small box or bowl of chocolates on the night stand
• Unique bedroom furniture that is multi-purpose! (check out Liberator for that!)
• And of course, a good comfortable and quiet bed!

We hope this helps you create your love nest and get some positive and sexy energy into your bedroom. Remember, even small changes can yield big results! So get started!

Cross-posted with permission from their blog. 

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Strip Tease 101: How To Strip For Your Lover

It's this simple: we all love strippers. Okay, maybe not strippers themselves, but we definitely love being teased and seduced. Let us share some helpful tips on how to become your partner's fantasy. In this informative and fun article, our favorite doctor, Richard Wagner PhD (better known as Dr. Dick) offers his advice on how to best prepare, preform, and finish a strip tease for your partner, whether they be male or female.

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The Art of the Strip

Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being stripped out of, our daily wear and into something sexy, or nothing at all, is one of life’s big turn ons. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. In fact, we could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living.

Few of us are natural born exhibitionists. The majority of us don’t know how to slink out of our clothes without looking ridiculous. It's like they say in the business: real strippers are born, not made. OK, so most of us aren’t naturals, including myself. But that doesn’t mean we can’t pick up a few of the finer points from this ancient art form and apply them to our own situation.

Be the fantasy

First and foremost, we’re gonna have to leave as many of our inhibitions and body issues as possible at the door. If you’re so self-critical as to think you’ll be absurd if you try, you might as well drop the whole thing right there. But if you’re into having some fun (even if it’s at your own expense), then step right up, cuz we’re gonna to make you a star!

If you plan on stripping for someone you know well, like your partner, you probably already know a lot about what turns him or her on. Ya know, those little sexual peccadilloes we all have — fishnet stockings, a g-string and high heels, a white jock, leather chaps, armbands, a cowboy hat, a Catholic schoolgirl plaid skirt, anklets and Mary Janes, things like that. These things well be the building blocks of your outfit. Remember, you will be stripping down to something before there is nothing left to remove, so consider your theme and then layer from there. Each successive layer removed should reveal an even more tantalizing layer underneath.

• Don’t wear something that’s gonna be a bitch to take off.
• Have enough layers to keep the show interesting.
• Remember the majority of the show is attitude so have confidence and feel sexy while you strip

Set the mood

Consider the venue for your show. Since there’s gonna be a whole lot of dancing around, you’ll want the space to be big enough so you don’t have to cramp your style. For those of you who don't feel they are a great dancer, remember that you are there to seduce and tease your partner; just feel sexy and move as if you are making love to them. While you want to put on a show, you’ll want the environment to be warm and intimate. Set the mood with the proper lighting. It is also important to have good, sexy music to set the stage.

Arrange your space so that your audience is seated in the middle of your performance area and make sure you can slink and shimmy around him/her. For those of you who are a little bolder and want some theatrical flair, consider a little homemade stage with curtains that you can use as part of your performance. Remember, this is about you and your audience.  If you have never stripped before it doesn't need to be complicated.  Think about the scene where Jamie Lee Curtis does an awkward strip to a stranger to save her husband in True Lies.  She even fell down, but got back up again and continued as she gained confidence.

Keeping it Simple or Making a Sexy Production?

When strippers in clubs perform a private dance they may not have all the props and gadgets a full choreographed production would have.  It is just a sexy lap dance with tease and denial, oozing sexuality and promise of taking the girl/guy home for more.  However, if you want to move into a more Burlesque style strip, some good ideas are to have simple props.

A chair or stool al la Cabaret perhaps and you’ll want something to taunt your audience with; a seductive hat, a feather boa, a ridding crop, gloves — opera length or leather. There are even collapsible dancer poles available online for a touch of the authentic.  Remember, you are the star; keep it simple and sexy.

Mood lighting and music are really important elements to a successful show. A miscalculation here may fuck up your whole routine. Do you want full bright light, or the candlelight glow of a dive nightclub?  Your music should be sexy, something you like that  has a great, hot rhythm or grind.  Go the distance and compile a few different tempos on a tape, CD or MP3 player to really impress your audience. Arrange your music so that it will automatically flow from one tempo or song to the next.

Try not to interrupt your show to change the tape or CD, although if something skips you can play it off and be cute to distract. Add an air of authenticity and have your audience adhere to strict strip club rules: your audience must remain seated throughout, keep your communication non-verbal, your audience is not allowed to touch you, and (depending on your tastes) you are prohibited from directly touching your audience. These rules will enhance the tease effect. If you want to heighten the effect, consider restraining your audience with a little erotic bondage. A silk handkerchief, or a satin scarf works to secure his/her hands and feet. Or you could always pull out all the plugs and get yourself some swell bondage gear online. I’m thinkin’ some leather restraints and cuffs will do the trick if you are aware of how to use them and it won't interfere in your pleasure of the sexy dance routine.

Show the Goods

Remember, you control the show and the audience. When you’re ready to begin the show, start your music and seductively move or dance towards your audience. Let him/her have a good look at you and you’re outfit — front and back. Approach your audience then gyrate or dance in front of him/her. Be sure to include some deep bending front and back. Let your audience get a load of the goods! Get as close to your audience as possible without actually touching. Close enough for him/her to smell you, or for you to swipe him/her with something you’re wearing. This is where a nice boa or leather flogger will come in handy.

Continue to tease and taunt, and keep moving. Squat or use one of your props to lean against or partially sit and seductively open your legs or show your ass. Keep you hands busy on your body, stroking yourself, reaching into your outfit to fondle yourself. Feel free to touch your audience, but never with your hands, only with your props.  Completely dominate your audience through visuals and work with the music.

Lure Them In

Please through tease. After this initial dance, move away from your audience and start the main show; the strip. When you shuck each article of clothing, don’t just remove it; tease with it. Toss each discarded article to you audience, or drag it over him/her. Being unable to touch you will enhance his/her sense of smell. Use this to your advantage. Wipe your clothing on your body before tossing it to your audience. The more intimate articles: bra, stockings, underwear, jock or what have you could be wrapped around his/her head and face. Strip slowly and erotically; reveal only an inch or two of skin at a time. If you are about to reveal something on your front, turn your back on your audience first.

If you’re gonna reveal your ass, start by facing your audience and then seductively turn around. Build on the anticipation. Make your audience want more. Stay in rhythm with your music. Then, once you’re completely naked, approach your audience and present yourself in all your glory. You should be deliciously sweaty and aroused by now. Using one of your props, a dildo perhaps, wipe your breasts, your crotch and bring it close to your audience’s face.

Try a lap dance or pull his/her face into your breasts or crotch. Get on all fours and seductively loosen his/her clothing. Your audience might still be bound to his/her chair, so you can have your way with him/her. Remember this is supposed to be fun for both of you, if things go haywire laugh it off and maybe have your audience help you unzip the stuck zipper.  If you trip when you are in your stripper shoes, turn it into some sexy floor work and show them the goods they want to do naughty things to.

After your initial strip you can continue the sex play to fruition. While on the floor, use your feet to stroke his/her crotch. Turn up the heat by masturbating for your audience. Tease or lick your audience’s tits, finger her pussy, or diddle his cock. As your show concludes touch [or untie] your partner and lead him/her to a full-on fuck. Good luck.

Originally posted at Dr. Dick's Sex Advice.

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick, sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others. Find Dr. Dick on Twitter @DrDickSexAdvice.

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How Do I Tell Him I'm Not Orgasming?

There are plenty of bad things to happen in a relationship. But one of the things we don't expect is having to tell our partner we're not orgasming. It's one of those things that you don't want to talk about. You just want it to happen. But the situation won't change unless you talk about it. Right? GetLusty resident Los Angeles Sex Therapist and there-when-you-need-her most Moushumi Ghose is back to answer our readers' question: what should I do to tell my partner I'm not orgasming?

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

I have been with my partner for several months now and he doesn't seem interested in touching me or kissing me other than on my mouth. He is 54 and I am 43 and I have never encountered a problem like this and have no idea how to talk about it with him about it?

He hugs me and kisses me passionately, rarely kisses my neck, ears or breasts. Sometimes he will touch my breasts, but a little rough. He gave me oral sex once, but not since and never touches me below waist. I never hesitate to perform any version of oral sex on him. I never get warmed up enough to orgasm unless I happen to be on top and have better control.

I am a very clean about hygiene and very conscious about odor so as to not be offensive and inviting. Have even picked up drinking pineapple juice as I read it makes vaginal fluids more appealing. I am not sure if he has some aversion to swapping bodily fluids since he won't kiss me after I have given oral sex. He's also pulled away when I tried to kiss him after the one time he did so for me, not an issue for me. He is kind and generous and loving otherwise and I want to be with him indefinitely. I have told him I love for him to touch me when he does so, so he will know I like it. How do I tell him in a loving way that I need to be touched, kissed and licked without hurting his ego? I think he believes I orgasm every time because he does excite me and I love to be with him and I am into moaning he just doesn't recognize the difference and he doesn't ask if I climaxed. Help!

Signed,
Really Wanting to Orgasm!

Dear Really Wanting to Orgasm,

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have a clear sense of what you want but are having a hard time communicating this to your man. I also hear that he turns you on. And that in many ways he's affectionate and loving, but in certain ways he leaves you feeling a little neglected or rejected.

Ideally, you would be able to find a neutral time to sit down and slowly let him know what is pleasurable to you, but I get the sense that you are deeply concernd about hurting his feelings. This brings up a very common pattern I see too often in relationships. We are so afraid of hurting our partners feelings that we end up placating them and pushing our needs further and further down. In the name of being nice, of letting it slide "just this once".

We get into a pattern of not speaking up for ourselves which breeds frustration, anger and resentment and can eventaully tear the relationship down. I really want you to, before sitting down and having the "sex heart-to-heart" with him, be very conscious and aware that your needs are important too.

And beyond that, avoiding telling him what you want because you don't want to hurt his feelings is not a healthy attitude to have. He is a grown adult at 54, and should be able to handle what it is you need, without getting upset. How you deliver your wants and desires is key too. Avoid negative words, such as saying this like "Don't" or "Stop" during intimate times or the sex act itself. Instead, guide his hand towards the direction that suits your needs, or verbally tell him what you do want. Focus on the positive.

Second, speak up for yourself. It's okay to let him know that you did not have an orgasm this time, as you don't need to have one every time, since just being together is quite often enough for you, but "here are some things that will probably make me orgasm in the future." Also, ask him how it was for him. Ask him what worked best, what he liked the most. And then respond in kind. Tell him the same.

Model reciprcative behavior and then let him know you like to be asked. The key here is for you to know that it is okay to tell your partner word for word what you would like. He's not a mind reader, and neither are you. And though it may seem awkward at first, practice makes perfect.

Good luck,
Moushumi

This is another guest post by the well-acclaimed GetLusty staff writer Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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5 Barriers to a Healthy Sex Life

As we all know, amazing sex is a big benefit of being in a committed, long-term relationship. However, sometimes sex can quickly turn into another stress rather than an enjoyable experience. What's standing in the way of us having an amazing life with our wonderful partners? Our good friends Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird, identified five common issues that can lead to an unhealthy sex life, and give recommendations that are sure to help you and your partner improve your bedroom time as well as your relationship as a whole. Are these 5 barriers holding you back? Read on!

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Scientists have confirmed that chocolate contains an enzyme that can set off the pleasure centers of the brain in a manner that is similar to the effect sex has on the brain. This explains why when some women are too tired for one, they’ll reach for the other — “Not tonight, honey, I have a Hershey’s.”

But what if she’s not tired? What if she’s just plain bored, or not interested in a sex life that isn’t what she imagined? Or maybe it’s not her, but her man sitting on the bed with his stash of M&Ms? This can be prevented, but it takes more than just avoiding the candy aisle at the supermarket. That’s why we’ve put together a list of the five most common barriers to a healthy sex life. If any of these look familiar to you, there is a way out.

1. Having negative/self-defeating thoughts about sex

These negative/self-defeating thoughts can come from anywhere (i.e. from your childhood, religion, past sexual experiences, etc.) and can really affect your sexuality. Some of us grow up thinking sex is dirty or sinful, while others are taught to be ashamed of their bodies. Remember, your thoughts cause your feelings and behaviors. If you have negative thoughts about sex, you will have negative feelings about sex, which will impact your sexual behavior.

The truth is, sex isn’t dirty — in fact, doctors all agree that it’s healthy! It’s good for your cardiovascular system, stress relief and even helps to fight off illnesses by increasing your body’s natural defenses. Sex is also good exercise, burning off as many calories as playing a set of tennis. Develop healthier attitudes about sex with your partner and stomp out those negative, self-defeating thoughts.

2. Focusing solely on performance and functioning

Often, too much focus and emphasis is placed on sexual performance (such as “Am I doing this right?” or “Is this how it’s supposed to be done?”) and functioning (such as “I must have an erection every time.”, “I must make this last a long time,” and “An orgasm has to happen every single time”). This can create undue pressure which can then cause problems in your sexuality. Worrying about performance can create self-fulfilling prophecies. The more we worry about these issues, the more likely they are to come up. Remember, our bodies are not perfect and will not work perfectly all the time and in every situation. Expecting perfection in our sexual performance and functioning will only lead to frustration and disappointment (see number 1 above). Instead, focus on the joy, fun and pleasure of sex, intimacy with your partner and the joy of pleasing each other.



3. Not owning your sexuality

It’s so easy to make your partner responsible for your sexuality. However, the truth is, YOU are responsible for your sexuality. You are responsible for whether or not you have an orgasm. It’s your responsibility to know your body and what feels good to you along with your sexual desires. It’s also your responsibility to share your desires with your partner. Making your partner responsible for your sexuality or even blaming your partner for sexual issues can create major problems in your relationship. It takes two to have a good relationship, so it also must take two to enjoy good sex.

4. Not talking to your partner about sex

We are always amazed at how many people in this country are comfortable having sex (in fact, lots of sex) but are uncomfortable talking about sex. It’s as if there is an unspoken rule: “Do it but don’t talk about it.”

If you can’t comfortably and openly talk to your partner about sex, then you probably shouldn’t be having sex. Establish a dialogue. Talk openly about the things that you like, and accentuate the positive, but downplay the negative. Make your partner feel good about the sex you have together, and your partner will make you feel good by doing the things you enjoy the most.

5. Not making sex a priority

Sadly, with many couples, sex is not a priority. Even worse, the relationship itself is not even a priority. Work, family, obligations and other “have-to's” always seem to get in the way At the end of the day, we wind up without the energy we need for our bedroom lives. Our favorite quote sums it up: “Where the attention goes, the energy flows.” If you want a healthy sex life in your relationship, then put more attention and focus into it. Make it a priority! Don't feel embarrassed to schedule sex. After all, if we can’t enjoy our relationships, why are we working so hard to make ends meet, anyway? For the joy of balancing the checkbook? Enjoy your partners and your relationships, because if you don’t, we guarantee you’ll miss them when they are gone.

Think about these barriers and work to overcome them. Be honest with your partner, but most of all, be honest with yourself. Don’t by shy about sex, and it will come more naturally to you and your lover.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Carol Queen Opens Up on Sex & Sexuality

Here at GetLusty, we love talking to experts. From sexologists to therapists and in between. Well, Carol is way past that. Here, we call Carol, "The Queen of Sex Ed." She's been involved in sex education since the 1970s.

Today, Carol dishes out some of the best things she's encountered. We caught up with this busy lady and asked her a few questions of her most interesting moments of recent. Check out several of the questions GetLusty's Erica Grigg asked in our GetLusty interview below.

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How did you get into sex education?

The pretty short answer is, I have been a member of the LGBT community since the 1970s (I'm bisexual). Back in the day, college gay groups would do panels and lectures to give non-biased information about these issues. I liked doing those, and then just a few years later I was doing many more, in the context of the HIV/AIDS epidemic. That's when I realized sex education was both a calling for me, and a possible profession. I moved to San Francisco and started working on my PhD in sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, as well as volunteering with San Francisco Sex Information, a non-profit sex ed hotline which trained its volunteers extensively--I was its co-training coordinator for a while.

Around that time I met Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations. She hired me to work one day a week in the store, but when they found out I was training in sexology I was asked to create GV's Continuing Education program. The full range of our ed programming grew out of this (except the classes aimed at the public -- we were already doing those), and when I got my doctorate, my job title changed to "Staff Sexologist" -- to our knowledge, we were the first adult company to have a trained sexologist on staff. Now my job involves overseeing our educational programming, supporting frontline staff who get tough or unusual sex questions from customers, representing the business to the press and public, and answering customer questions, which I do here.

Subsequently my partner Robert and I, who had been doing classes together in SF and all around the country, created a nonprofit, the Center for Sex & Culture, to host such classes and other events such as community organizations' meetings, cultural events about sex, etc. We also have a library and archive plus a gallery. More info about that at Sex & Culture -- there are class and event listings, plus more about the non-profit, and "donate here" button, etc.

Would you call yourself the 'queen of sex ed' (because we're thinking that'd be an apt title for you)?

That's cute! While it's not my own moniker for myself, I'm good with it.

What's the most interesting story you have of a couple coming to you with sexual issues?

What comes to mind is a GV customer who reached out to me with a thorny issue in his marriage. His wife, an attorney, had semi-recently had their first child; the child's first birthday was looming soon, and she had not been open to having sex with her husband since before the birth. I asked him whether this was a huge change from an enthusiastic sex partner (prior to her pregnancy) and he said no, not really, she was always fairly lukewarm and perhaps somewhat uncomfortable about sex.

Many elements of this story are not too uncommon, either: Our Mommy Playdates attract young moms, some of whom really struggle with "getting back in the saddle" after having babies. And of course there are plenty of women who have never (so far!) discovered the key to loving sex; those women don't all stay single, though, and this can be a thorny issue in a relationship.

What did you recommend for them?

Well, every couple has two participants, of course. And in a situation like this, each has to understand their perspective and what they bring to the situation. To (hopefully) help this couple, there were a number of elements I had to bring up. The first was explaining to the husband that pressure or wheedling would never work; gently educating him that her lack of comfort about sex would be something he'd have to be understanding and supportive around, or she'd have NO incentive to change. Finally, advising that she be frank with her doctor about the post-partum elements (I didn't think that was the main problem, but it could certainly have been exacerbated by hormonal changes, and any precipitous drop in sexual interest could be a symptom of a medical problem).

Plus there was her original lukewarm feeling about sex; was she without correct sex education and unable to understand (and convey to her husband) they way her arousal worked? Had she perhaps been abused or had other negative sexual experiences, including growing up in a household where sex was represented as shameful? Was she non-orgasmic? I recommended a number of books for her. In a situation like this, she really must take some responsibility. While I don't believe that it is in any way the role of a wife to please her husband, a marriage without sex is not appropriate unless both partners want that or unless the issues involved are spelled out. If she has no interest in ever changing her relationship to sexuality, he deserves to know this. I also recommended they see a sex therapist, if she would go.

What's the most interesting thing you've learned about sex lately?

Just two weeks ago I was at a great conference at Widener University in PA -- it has one of the most substantial sex ed professional programs anywhere, and the conference was specifically for those who are interested in sex education as a career. I was there to keynote it, which was a real honor, especially because one of the biggest stars in sexology was present, Beverly Whipple. She is the professional and most associated with information about the G-spot; she has continued to research it and stays in touch with others who also do such research. It is finally being officially regarded as "the female prostate," and her update was that actual G-spot ejaculation is not super-copious and that when G-spot ejaculators gush a lot of fluid and make a huge wet spot, that fluid is now thought to be very dilute urine. It's not yet understood just how the urine, in a situation of arousal like this, becomes so dilute; there is still much to learn about this part of our anatomy.

What's your favorite book around sex education?

I have so many faves! I really can't pick just one, at least not for long, since great new books keep coming out. I think my current favorite book is Jaclyn Friedman's What You Really, Really Want. It's about limits and desires, really an excellent way for (especially) young women (but really everyone) to think about integrating sexuality in a healthy and fulfilling way into their lives. I love this book! It's one of the ones I recommended to the low-desire wife I mentioned above. Your readers might also be interested in the recommended book lists I've compiled both for my own website and on the Good Vibes site.

What are you most looking forward to over the next year?

I have a fantastic working trip planned for next spring; will go to South By Southwest in Austin, TX (my first time there!) to do a panel about the history of sex in technology, followed by a trip to CatalystCon East -- Catalyst is one of my very favorite sex conferences (here's a list that includes it plus some others). I travel two or three times a year to sexuality-related events, and it's one of my favorite ways to take the pulse of community interests and discussions about sexual topics.

Plus, I have a new book I'm getting started on! Not sure how soon it will come to fruition, but its working title is The Elements of Sex-Positivity.

More about Carol Queen:

Carol Queen is a writer, educator, activist with a doctorate in Sexology and an organizer in the GLBTQ community with some of the first youth-oriented approaches. She publishes a regular sex and relationship column on Good Vibes.

She is an owner/worker at the Good Vibrations toy and book emporium and The Center for Sexuality and Culture where she provides training and educational workshops for the staff and public. Her list of books can be found here and more information on Carol Queen can be found on her website CarolQueen.com. Follow Carol on Twitter @carolqueen and 'Like' her on Facebook.

In 1975, Carol helped found GAYouth (one of the first groups for underage Gays and Lesbians in the nation) in Eugene, Oregon. She served as director of the Gay and Lesbian student union at my university later in that decade and was on the steering committee of Eugene Citizens for Human Rights, founded to preserve gay rights which were under attack from right-wing forces. In 1988, she was director of education at the community-based AIDS education and support project in Eugene. Her training (after graduating with a major in sociology, a Phi Beta Kappa, and a stint in graduate school) comes from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco's graduate school of sexology - and, of course, from the school of life.

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3 Stretches for Better Thrusting During Sex

One of the best things you can do for your sex life is regular exercise. Constantly working on your stamina as well as regularly using your muscles to keep them limber and strong is a direct payoff. So what is the down side? Getting into a regular exercise routine can be harder than we give it credit for.
Our newest staff writer, Brittany Meyer, is here to help with the top 5 stretches to enhance your sex live with being more limber for stronger thrusts.

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Comedienne Lynne Koplitz jokes that sex when you’re younger is an event. You prepare, stretch and eat lighter meals. We find it laughable. But why don’t we put more effort into preparing for sex? It is easy to see how needing to eat a lighter meal or going to the gym earlier that day could make obvious improvements in our sexual endeavors but so many people take these small tasks for granted. I can understand that we have many things happening in our lives ranging from fun to obligations that we cannot commit everything we do to our sex lives but we should all be taking small steps to help improve it.

For those of you in a transition period where you would like to be more agile for sex but are having time commitment issues, we would like to offer a medium! Regular stretching is one of the best ways to keep yourself limber and will help avoid cramping while giving you more energy. These can be done for 20 minutes as a morning routine or even a 10 minutes warm-up for the bedroom in the evening.

We use all the muscles in our body for sex but there are 5 major groups we recommend you focus your stretches on; Back, stomach, buttocks, hips and hamstrings. In Part 1, we reviewed hips and hamstrings. Did you see our other article on stretching other muscle groups for better sex? While we recommend you pay the most attention to the muscle groups you will be using the most (depending on the positions you prefer to do), these are the major muscles that you will typically use.

When you are going through these stretches, don't be afraid to incorporate small stretching techniques you are familiar with as you go to keep the blood flowing and keep yourself comfortable. As a reminder about stretching, always do it at your own level. The stretches described below are only the recommended procedure; adjust them to your abilities so you do not overexert yourself! Nothing is worse than pulling a muscle when you are working towards improving your sex life.

#1 Don't put your back out (the back stretch)

Why the abs and lower back?

Core power. The abs and lower back muscles are used for the thrusting motions of sex. Finnish researchers say that people with weak core muscles are more than three times more likely to suffer from lower back pain. Strong abs also hold your belly so it won’t flop over and get in the way of business.

This stretch is relaxing and a beginner level so it's very easy to do. This was aided by Discovery Channel's back stretch article.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back with your legs flat on the ground. Bring both legs up your chest. Then, grab the underside of your knees. Hold this for 30-60 seconds (always at your own level!) and then release and lay flatly on the ground again.

#2 Thrust with a stronger core (the ab stretch)


Again, strong abdominals--as well as a strong pelvic floor--is beneficial for multiple areas of sex, including improved thrusting, as well as more powerful orgasms.

While this is a common stretch, it is also low impact and reaches many of the muscles throughout the stomach.

How to get into it:

Lay on your stomach with your arms at your side. Using your arms only as braces, lay your forearms on the ground by your side and pull your upper body up as if you are looking straight forward while your hips stay locked on the ground.

Once you stretch those upper stomach muscles, you can modify the exercise to extending your arms all the way so you are supported by your hands flat on the ground with your hips still locked down. You will notice you will have a much more severe arch and will feel the stretch from your upper stomach down to your pelvis. Hold for 15 seconds at first and repeat for a longer time if you can.

#3 Get your blood pumping (with glute muscule AKA butt stretches)

Butt muscles (also known as glutes and hamstrings) are absolute wonderful when you're getting into various positions, including woman-on-top. Also, workouts for your lower body can increase blood flow "In your [bodies'] Southern Hemisphere" says explains Debbie Mandel, MA, a stress and fitness expert and the author of, "Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life."

Some may find these more helpful than others but since your gluts are integral with your hips, back and hamstrings, it is good to add some focus to this part of your body for maximum flexibility and comfort.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back again with your legs at rest and your feet flat on the floor. Cross your left ankle over your right thigh and grab the underside of your right thigh. Pull your thigh to your stomach bringing your foot as far in as you can to your body. Hold for 15 seconds. Switch and repeat with your right ankle. The easier it feels the longer you can hold the position.


Brittany just moved to Chicago after finishing her degree from FSU and arrived with a thirst to learn about everything that has to do with sex. Having been involved with The F-Word, The Vagina Monologues, amateur drag and a Human Sexuality course, she is a very sex positive lady. When she's not admiring architecture or looking for a design job, Brittany does stand-up comedy and thinks of ways to make people on the CTA feel uncomfortable. She also eats high-fives for breakfast.  Follow her on twitter @sedanimal. E-mail her at brittany@getlusty.com.

Disclaimer: This information is solely for informational purposes. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Neither the Editors of GetLusty for Couples, Passionate Productions LLC, the author nor publisher take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, action or application of medication which results from reading or following the information contained in this information. The publication of this information does not constitute the practice of medicine, and this information does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Before undertaking any course of treatment, the reader must seek the advice of their physician or other health care provider.

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Winning the War Against the Vagina

We've talked in recent months about the crazy things that have happened around women's reproductive rights. For GetLusty, these rights are absolutely pivotal. We're a company run by women, and geared especially towards women. So this article spoke to us. We wanted to share it. Without adieu, Tantra expert Devi Ward explains why there's a war on the vagina and what you can do about it.

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There is a war going on my friends. Make no mistake. And it’s a war on women. An organized assault against our sexuality, our personal expression. Yes my friends, yet again, our reproductive rights. The very white, male and mainstream Republican party have proclaimed self-appointed stewardship over our pussies, and it’s time to take them back.

“But I already own my pussy,” you may think. Well I am here to tell you that although it may be physically attached to your body, it is not yours to do with as you wish, with whom you wish. Why? Two reasons (detailed below).

Our culture condones oppression of the sexually expressive 

You live in a culture that condones oppression against sexually expressive women. “Slut shaming” is a term used to describe the verbal and social denigration of a woman who engages in sexual activity outside of prescribed social moral boundaries. Slut shaming is verbally and emotionally violent. And it only occurs towards women. Slut shaming is a direct expression of social disapproval of a woman’s sexual behavior, (i.e. what she is doing with her pussy, with whom and how much).

You know for certain that slut shaming is occurring when women are being vilified for their sexual expression, (most recent example being Kristin Stewart) and the men with whom they have engaged sexually are completely ignored, and their “transgressions” are overlooked. “Boys will be boys.”

As a result of our need for social acceptance, we typically avoid engaging in behavior that our culture has conditioned us to believe is “wrong,” and that could cause us to be ostracized or ridiculed in any way. This applies to our sexual expression more than anything. As a result of this subconscious fear we hold back from exploring, expressing, or even fully enjoying our sexuality, and tend to let men (society) inform us what sexual behavior is acceptable for “good girls” to engage in, and what is not.

The healing begins with communities of women, supporting each other in reclaiming connection to their sexual pleasure and celebrating unbridled sensual expression. United we stand, divided we fall. Pussies of the world unite.

So what can you do?

#1 Get educated  

Our sexual potential as women is fucking mind bowing. Literally. With over 8 (11 or more) kinds of orgasm that we can experience, very few of us have tapped our full orgasmic potential. Why is this important? Because sexual energy is life energy. It opens your heart, frees your mind and heals your body. That is power! And it is your power. Your birthright. Fucking claim it.

#2 Masturbate 

Yes. Do it. Do it a lot, in a variety of different ways. Explore your vagina. Don’t wait for the right man to come along and give you permission to experience sexual pleasure. It is yours for the taking, right now. The best way to own your pussy is to touch your pussy. A lot.

#3 Dance 

Believe it or not, we hold many of these subconscious restrictions to our sexual self-expression in our bodies, particularly the pelvis.

Opening your lower body with the pelvic movements and sacred erotic dance will make a deep impact on your life, because you have to feel your vulva and vagina to do these movements.

You will discover the power of your pussy in a whole new way. I like to say “free your ass and your mind will follow.” Our empowerment as women is directly related to the level of freedom and comfort we feel with our sexual expression. If we are emotionally imprisoned by fear, guilt, and sexual shame, we are partially crippled as human beings, and will die without having realized our full personal, emotional, or spiritual potential.

I invite women everywhere to step up and step out of the psychological prison of sexual repression and claim your birthright to sexual pleasure. The revolution begins in your vagina. Own it.

Let me know if you liked this post below, and share it! Spread the word and start a revolution.

Originally posted on Devi's wonderful blog here.

Devi is the Founder of Feminine Emergence and creator of Sacred Erotic Dance™; a Movement-Healing modality that uses The 5 Core Pelvic Movements™, Authentic Tantra™ & Sensual Dance, to produce physical, emotional and spiritual healing in our relationship to sexual and sensual self-expression. Her new book “Shake Your Soul Song! A Woman’s Guide To Self-Empowerment Through The Art of Self-Pleasure” will release in October 2012. Follow Devi on Twitter @deviwardtantra and on Facebook.

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