10 Relationship Myths We Must "Whack Off"

Masturbation is a healthy and natural act of self-love. Stressed out? Masturbate! Feeling horny? Masturbate! We recommend both she and he masturbate. Since masturbation seems to be such a great way to release and improve on oneself, we thought it would be interesting to take the idea of masturbation to relationships. Jacsman, our favorite resident writer on long-term gay relationships, is here with advice on how to masturbate or "whack off" 10 relationship myths that keep us from growing closer and becoming more intimate with one another.

* * *

Masturbation as metaphor

Masturbation’s impulsive pleasure is one of the most significant joys that we bring with us into our relationships. As we took our pleasure into our own hands before — “polishing-the-pearl” during tea break, or “whacking-it-off” while waiting for the midday news report to commence — within coupledom, we have this agency in our partnership satisfaction. When that opportunity comes up during the day, we are intentional: we whack-it-off and then proceed with the rest of our occupations. What better sense of achievement (in under fifteen minutes) is there?

Masturbation is essential to sustaining the hearty sexual satisfaction we need in ourselves to experience satisfaction in our lovers. So I have paramount agency in my psychosexual satisfaction, being dependent on your lover for such satisfaction is problematic. It is potentially unhealthy for your relationship, since creating and making demands of your lover on a daily basis will empty them out in no time at all.

Prioritize your love 

Only if partners have their personal psychosexual satisfactions firmly in hand can the prime achievement of coupledom intimacy contribute to lovers’ experience of commitment. There are of course gradations of intimacy, and these are comparatively opaque in gay relationships, perhaps not from within our partnerships, but particularly from the outside looking in.

Though we do not need to follow heterosexual touchstones, to the larger part of the LGBTQ community the intimacy markers of engagement, marriage, and parenthood that characterise the bond between heterosexual couples are out of reach. Lacking such socio-culturally recognized status can be a source of dubiety in a gay partnership, becoming problematic when it interferes with the expression of feelings in the relationship.

The commitment that continued sexual and emotional involvement might imply can remain ambiguous indefinitely. Instead of just whacking-it-off, sitting down and doing it, talking honestly and transparently about our options/expectations and identifying/prioritizing our intimacy goals, we put this important communication off and continue getting by on assumption. In particular, gay men can be scared off by the intensity of prioritizing intimacy in this way. I suspect it is because we are, at first, virgins to the deeply gratifying pleasure resulting from taking hold of the opportunity to communicate quite so honestly and just whacking-it-off, getting it done, and then persisting in doing it. Committing to it until it is habit.

Hopefully, it's clear by this point why I am riding this masturbation metaphor. Masturbation in my committed sexual relationship serves to ensure my pleasure, distance, and time apart from my lover to see to my agency in my personal psychosexual satisfaction. Prioritizing and habituating honesty, transparency, and the celebration of our authentic love for each other serves to ensure our deepest pleasure, our sincerest intimacy, and most precious anniversaries together. You’ll come to cherish this pleasure too and in any moment during your day!

Relationship myths

What gives me great pleasure to tell you is that by whacking-off your intimacy and partnership priority, you'll come to understand the truth of your commitment and the true pleasure of your relationship, sexual and otherwise. Just as most couples, we buy into at least one of the common, and dare I say heterosexual socio-cultural myths, that mislead us in our most important interpersonal relationship. After all, LGBTQ souls, in wonderment, integrated the same fairy tales all people share in collective consciousness: Prince Charming, the Sleeping Beauty, Brave Huntsman, the Wicked Stepmother, and need I even mention Happily Ever After?

In "The Heart of Love," John F. Demartini notes that American President John F. Kennedy once pointed out, “The great enemy of truth is very often not the lie — deliberate, contrived, and dishonest — but the myth — persistent, persuasive, and unrealistic”. Most valid here, his surety for realistic living is to stop enjoying “the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought."

Going beyond fantasy to find true relationship fulfillment makes it necessary for us to prioritize our love’s truth and transparency; once a couple is in the habit of eliminating this, the joy of emancipation from false relationship myths climaxes in most intense relationship intimacy, sexually or otherwise.

The 10 relationship myths to "whack-off"

Rubbing out the following ten myths can, in some cases very ironically, be the most poignant bonding experiences for gay couples:

#1 My relationship makes me happy

Nope, you make you happy.

#2 My soulmate completes me

You are a complete human being in and of yourself.

#3 A “real” relationship will last forever 

All relationships are real and all relationships last as long as it is real for the lovers.

#4 Once we overcome choppy waters it will be smooth sailing 

Afraid not; storms come and go.

#5 A good relationship requires sacrifice 

Think again. Fulfilling coupledom requires communication and understanding, not martyrdom.

#6 Great sex happens only at the beginning of a relationship

Ecstatic sex can be honed from mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy, all grown over time.

#7 In the right relationship, I won’t have to work at it 

Commitment requires continued practice.

#8 In a relationship, I’ll never feel lonely 

Your feelings are involuntary, your lover cannot rescind them.

#9 Children can validate our commitment 

Your commitment is not your child’s/children’s responsibility.

#10 Opposites attract

You are not a couple of fridge magnets.

When to "Whack-it-off"

Once rid of the delusions, it becomes a matter of rhythm how you whack-it-off. It is your dialogical business as lovers to nurture mutual understanding, trust, and intimacy with each other. The 21st century lifestyle doesn’t allow for too many of these engagements, and while there is no magic number appropriate for every relationship, I consider one or two times per month as the bare-assed minimum to sustain relationship development. Calendaring might sound too businesslike, but calendaring is proactive prioritization of both your lover and your relationship. Setting a date with your partner assures a night of potency on the docket, more often than not in both cases: emotional and orgasmic. Everything leading up to the date is effectively edging, until, together, you whack-it-off.

Even the most time strapped, communicatively challenged partners should never miss mandatory (birthday, anniversary, etc.) opportunities to prioritize their love and consideration for each other, when any excuse less than anaphylactic shock won't exempt a partner from duty to commitment and love. Also, create your practicable fairy tale by inventing your own "touchstone" moments.

In a future GetLusty post, I will arouse your imagination on how to recognize and lovingly carve out such mandatory opportunities to whittle on your intimacy communication. The best place to start however, is to get lusty for it and just whack-it-off. Just do it. Get Lusty endeavours to get couples there, whether straight or gay.

Develop and understand your relationship better; again, whether a gay or straight couple, turn the lust up for one another and subscribe to GetLusty. GetLusty guides us towards intimate understanding of our love for each other as we all aspire to nurture the kind of commitment that can sustain our souls. I’ll do near anything to help you get your lust on for your lover, and share the joy and learning from it with the lovers of the world.

Do It well, do It safe.
Jacsman


He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

Read more »

10 Ways To Feel Sexier Naked

Being naked is all about freedom. Personally, I find clothes too restrictive and truly bothersome. No I am not a nudist, but I do feel my best naked. Ever since doing yoga regularly and eating more whole foods, I feel more confident, strong and beautiful. I want everyone to strip this Naked November and celebrate their bodies for what they are: beautiful! We need to stop judging ourselves so harshly and stop seeing the most minute "problems" with our bodies. Nobody is perfect. But it is true we are all beautiful and we should start seeing and feeling that! Here are 10 ways to feel sexier naked in honor of the revolutionary Naked November. Lora Swarts reports.

* * *


#1 Take your vitamins! 

Eating foods rich in beta carotene and Vitamin C, which are antioxidants, helps prevent premature wrinkling. Beta carotene is found in sweet potatoes, carrots, mangoes, and apricots. Vitamin C is found in oranges, broccoli, red peppers and strawberries.

#2 Yoga

Yoga is not just a trendy exercise fad. Yoga can actually help improve your mood, increase confidence and strength. Whether taking a class or doing yoga solo, you will naturally let loose of all insecurities because you become only focused on your breath and postures. Soon enough you will want to always walk around your home naked after doing those yoga pushups and downward dogs. Need some inspiration for some doing yoga at home? Check out our articles on yoga for better sex!

#3 Stop cracking jokes about your body

Women are especially bad at this one. We need to stop making fun of our physical appearance because soon those will get stuck in our mind as truth. Stop yourself before you make that next jab at yourself. Remember that we are our own biggest critics and worst enemies. Turn your negative thoughts into positive ones every time a negative one comes to mind. Rather than make fun of your small chest or lackluster abdominal muscles, compliment yourself on your lovely eyes or compassionate smile.

#4 Spend time being naked 

The more time you spend naked, the more comfortable it feels. When you spend time in the buff your confidence soars and you will feel less inhibited sexually too! Get started today! Your homework is to watch TV naked, eat naked, do chores in the nude. But, if you are cooking naked, please watch out for hot oil!

#5 Start ogling yourself

Spend some time seeing yourself the way others do. Make a photo album filled with pictures of you that you find sexy, attractive, and confident. Or make a vision board that includes photos of you and phrases like "I am beautiful" pinned to the board. When your mind is focusing only on the negative, going through photos of yourself can really stop these negative feelings. Seeing yourself the way others do will help you feel sexy and more confident! Since it's Naked November, make sure to check out our other articles on being naked.

#6 Stop comparing yourself

Everyone is different and that is a great thing! Who wants to look at the same body shape all the time. Stop comparing your body to others because guess what, no one is perfect. Stop seeing everyone's strengths and start seeing your own!

#7 Work on body language 

Strut when you walk down the street. Hold your head high, uncross those arms, and stand tall. Improving your body language will do wonders for you because people respond positively to confident people. You will immediately want to rip your clothes off once you get home from work because that is how sexy you will feel!

#8 Exfoliate

Spend time with your skin. Take a long, intimate bath rather than a rushed shower. Spend time exfoliating your ankles, knees and elbows. When you don't have time to give your skin that spa treatment, simply moisturize with a sunscreen lotion. Taking care of your skin is just as important as working out and eating healthy- combine all three and you will always want to be naked!

#9 Explore yourself

Get to know your body right now. Drop the "if only's..." and "what if's..." because they don't get us anywhere! Confidence comes from loving yourself in the present. Homework: Get naked and check your body out in the mirror. From your toes to your scalp, explore yourself! If so inclined, begin touching yourself too. Massage your feet, touch your genitals, massage your hair. When you really get to know yourself, you will feel nothing but sexy when naked.

#10 Orgasm!

Orgasming is very sexy! Whether you are giving yourself some love or getting intimate with your partner, having an orgasm releases endorphins. Endorphins make us feel good and give us that sexy glow.

Lora is our Editorial intern and resident health nut. When she is not writing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle, or hanging out with her wonderful boyfriend and Beagle puppy in their north side apartment. She has a habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter @HoneyNutLo. Have any questions? Email her at Lora@Getlusty.com!

Read more »

Strip Tease 101: How To Strip For Your Lover

It's this simple: we all love strippers. Okay, maybe not strippers themselves, but we definitely love being teased and seduced. Let us share some helpful tips on how to become your partner's fantasy. In this informative and fun article, our favorite doctor, Richard Wagner PhD (better known as Dr. Dick) offers his advice on how to best prepare, preform, and finish a strip tease for your partner, whether they be male or female.

* * *

The Art of the Strip

Most people miss out on the pleasure of undressing with and for their partners. Stripping out of, or being stripped out of, our daily wear and into something sexy, or nothing at all, is one of life’s big turn ons. It’s also a visual signal that we’re shifting out of our work-a-day world and entering the realm of sensuality. Stripping is an art form, ya know. In fact, we could all learn a lesson or two from the folks who do this for a living.

Few of us are natural born exhibitionists. The majority of us don’t know how to slink out of our clothes without looking ridiculous. It's like they say in the business: real strippers are born, not made. OK, so most of us aren’t naturals, including myself. But that doesn’t mean we can’t pick up a few of the finer points from this ancient art form and apply them to our own situation.

Be the fantasy

First and foremost, we’re gonna have to leave as many of our inhibitions and body issues as possible at the door. If you’re so self-critical as to think you’ll be absurd if you try, you might as well drop the whole thing right there. But if you’re into having some fun (even if it’s at your own expense), then step right up, cuz we’re gonna to make you a star!

If you plan on stripping for someone you know well, like your partner, you probably already know a lot about what turns him or her on. Ya know, those little sexual peccadilloes we all have — fishnet stockings, a g-string and high heels, a white jock, leather chaps, armbands, a cowboy hat, a Catholic schoolgirl plaid skirt, anklets and Mary Janes, things like that. These things well be the building blocks of your outfit. Remember, you will be stripping down to something before there is nothing left to remove, so consider your theme and then layer from there. Each successive layer removed should reveal an even more tantalizing layer underneath.

• Don’t wear something that’s gonna be a bitch to take off.
• Have enough layers to keep the show interesting.
• Remember the majority of the show is attitude so have confidence and feel sexy while you strip

Set the mood

Consider the venue for your show. Since there’s gonna be a whole lot of dancing around, you’ll want the space to be big enough so you don’t have to cramp your style. For those of you who don't feel they are a great dancer, remember that you are there to seduce and tease your partner; just feel sexy and move as if you are making love to them. While you want to put on a show, you’ll want the environment to be warm and intimate. Set the mood with the proper lighting. It is also important to have good, sexy music to set the stage.

Arrange your space so that your audience is seated in the middle of your performance area and make sure you can slink and shimmy around him/her. For those of you who are a little bolder and want some theatrical flair, consider a little homemade stage with curtains that you can use as part of your performance. Remember, this is about you and your audience.  If you have never stripped before it doesn't need to be complicated.  Think about the scene where Jamie Lee Curtis does an awkward strip to a stranger to save her husband in True Lies.  She even fell down, but got back up again and continued as she gained confidence.

Keeping it Simple or Making a Sexy Production?

When strippers in clubs perform a private dance they may not have all the props and gadgets a full choreographed production would have.  It is just a sexy lap dance with tease and denial, oozing sexuality and promise of taking the girl/guy home for more.  However, if you want to move into a more Burlesque style strip, some good ideas are to have simple props.

A chair or stool al la Cabaret perhaps and you’ll want something to taunt your audience with; a seductive hat, a feather boa, a ridding crop, gloves — opera length or leather. There are even collapsible dancer poles available online for a touch of the authentic.  Remember, you are the star; keep it simple and sexy.

Mood lighting and music are really important elements to a successful show. A miscalculation here may fuck up your whole routine. Do you want full bright light, or the candlelight glow of a dive nightclub?  Your music should be sexy, something you like that  has a great, hot rhythm or grind.  Go the distance and compile a few different tempos on a tape, CD or MP3 player to really impress your audience. Arrange your music so that it will automatically flow from one tempo or song to the next.

Try not to interrupt your show to change the tape or CD, although if something skips you can play it off and be cute to distract. Add an air of authenticity and have your audience adhere to strict strip club rules: your audience must remain seated throughout, keep your communication non-verbal, your audience is not allowed to touch you, and (depending on your tastes) you are prohibited from directly touching your audience. These rules will enhance the tease effect. If you want to heighten the effect, consider restraining your audience with a little erotic bondage. A silk handkerchief, or a satin scarf works to secure his/her hands and feet. Or you could always pull out all the plugs and get yourself some swell bondage gear online. I’m thinkin’ some leather restraints and cuffs will do the trick if you are aware of how to use them and it won't interfere in your pleasure of the sexy dance routine.

Show the Goods

Remember, you control the show and the audience. When you’re ready to begin the show, start your music and seductively move or dance towards your audience. Let him/her have a good look at you and you’re outfit — front and back. Approach your audience then gyrate or dance in front of him/her. Be sure to include some deep bending front and back. Let your audience get a load of the goods! Get as close to your audience as possible without actually touching. Close enough for him/her to smell you, or for you to swipe him/her with something you’re wearing. This is where a nice boa or leather flogger will come in handy.

Continue to tease and taunt, and keep moving. Squat or use one of your props to lean against or partially sit and seductively open your legs or show your ass. Keep you hands busy on your body, stroking yourself, reaching into your outfit to fondle yourself. Feel free to touch your audience, but never with your hands, only with your props.  Completely dominate your audience through visuals and work with the music.

Lure Them In

Please through tease. After this initial dance, move away from your audience and start the main show; the strip. When you shuck each article of clothing, don’t just remove it; tease with it. Toss each discarded article to you audience, or drag it over him/her. Being unable to touch you will enhance his/her sense of smell. Use this to your advantage. Wipe your clothing on your body before tossing it to your audience. The more intimate articles: bra, stockings, underwear, jock or what have you could be wrapped around his/her head and face. Strip slowly and erotically; reveal only an inch or two of skin at a time. If you are about to reveal something on your front, turn your back on your audience first.

If you’re gonna reveal your ass, start by facing your audience and then seductively turn around. Build on the anticipation. Make your audience want more. Stay in rhythm with your music. Then, once you’re completely naked, approach your audience and present yourself in all your glory. You should be deliciously sweaty and aroused by now. Using one of your props, a dildo perhaps, wipe your breasts, your crotch and bring it close to your audience’s face.

Try a lap dance or pull his/her face into your breasts or crotch. Get on all fours and seductively loosen his/her clothing. Your audience might still be bound to his/her chair, so you can have your way with him/her. Remember this is supposed to be fun for both of you, if things go haywire laugh it off and maybe have your audience help you unzip the stuck zipper.  If you trip when you are in your stripper shoes, turn it into some sexy floor work and show them the goods they want to do naughty things to.

After your initial strip you can continue the sex play to fruition. While on the floor, use your feet to stroke his/her crotch. Turn up the heat by masturbating for your audience. Tease or lick your audience’s tits, finger her pussy, or diddle his cock. As your show concludes touch [or untie] your partner and lead him/her to a full-on fuck. Good luck.

Originally posted at Dr. Dick's Sex Advice.

This is a guest post from Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS - aka Dr Dick, sexologist, author, educator, syndicated sex advice columnist and publisher of Dr Dick's Sex Advice and Dr Dick Sex Toy Reviews. He's been a practitioner of Sex Therapy and Relationship Counseling for over 30 years.

Richard Wagner (Dr. Dick) affirms the fundamental goodness of sexuality in human life, both as a personal need and as an interpersonal bond. He knows the unhappiness and anxiety, which sex-negative attitudes can engender in individuals, alienating them from their own body and the bodies of others. Find Dr. Dick on Twitter @DrDickSexAdvice.

Read more »

Does Penis Size Matter? (NSFW)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read more »

How Do I Tell Him I'm Not Orgasming?

There are plenty of bad things to happen in a relationship. But one of the things we don't expect is having to tell our partner we're not orgasming. It's one of those things that you don't want to talk about. You just want it to happen. But the situation won't change unless you talk about it. Right? GetLusty resident Los Angeles Sex Therapist and there-when-you-need-her most Moushumi Ghose is back to answer our readers' question: what should I do to tell my partner I'm not orgasming?

* * *

Dear GetLusty for Couples,

I have been with my partner for several months now and he doesn't seem interested in touching me or kissing me other than on my mouth. He is 54 and I am 43 and I have never encountered a problem like this and have no idea how to talk about it with him about it?

He hugs me and kisses me passionately, rarely kisses my neck, ears or breasts. Sometimes he will touch my breasts, but a little rough. He gave me oral sex once, but not since and never touches me below waist. I never hesitate to perform any version of oral sex on him. I never get warmed up enough to orgasm unless I happen to be on top and have better control.

I am a very clean about hygiene and very conscious about odor so as to not be offensive and inviting. Have even picked up drinking pineapple juice as I read it makes vaginal fluids more appealing. I am not sure if he has some aversion to swapping bodily fluids since he won't kiss me after I have given oral sex. He's also pulled away when I tried to kiss him after the one time he did so for me, not an issue for me. He is kind and generous and loving otherwise and I want to be with him indefinitely. I have told him I love for him to touch me when he does so, so he will know I like it. How do I tell him in a loving way that I need to be touched, kissed and licked without hurting his ego? I think he believes I orgasm every time because he does excite me and I love to be with him and I am into moaning he just doesn't recognize the difference and he doesn't ask if I climaxed. Help!

Signed,
Really Wanting to Orgasm!

Dear Really Wanting to Orgasm,

Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have a clear sense of what you want but are having a hard time communicating this to your man. I also hear that he turns you on. And that in many ways he's affectionate and loving, but in certain ways he leaves you feeling a little neglected or rejected.

Ideally, you would be able to find a neutral time to sit down and slowly let him know what is pleasurable to you, but I get the sense that you are deeply concernd about hurting his feelings. This brings up a very common pattern I see too often in relationships. We are so afraid of hurting our partners feelings that we end up placating them and pushing our needs further and further down. In the name of being nice, of letting it slide "just this once".

We get into a pattern of not speaking up for ourselves which breeds frustration, anger and resentment and can eventaully tear the relationship down. I really want you to, before sitting down and having the "sex heart-to-heart" with him, be very conscious and aware that your needs are important too.

And beyond that, avoiding telling him what you want because you don't want to hurt his feelings is not a healthy attitude to have. He is a grown adult at 54, and should be able to handle what it is you need, without getting upset. How you deliver your wants and desires is key too. Avoid negative words, such as saying this like "Don't" or "Stop" during intimate times or the sex act itself. Instead, guide his hand towards the direction that suits your needs, or verbally tell him what you do want. Focus on the positive.

Second, speak up for yourself. It's okay to let him know that you did not have an orgasm this time, as you don't need to have one every time, since just being together is quite often enough for you, but "here are some things that will probably make me orgasm in the future." Also, ask him how it was for him. Ask him what worked best, what he liked the most. And then respond in kind. Tell him the same.

Model reciprcative behavior and then let him know you like to be asked. The key here is for you to know that it is okay to tell your partner word for word what you would like. He's not a mind reader, and neither are you. And though it may seem awkward at first, practice makes perfect.

Good luck,
Moushumi

This is another guest post by the well-acclaimed GetLusty staff writer Moushumi Ghose. Moushumi is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

Read more »

Why I'm Not (Yet) Out Of The Closet About S&M

At GetLusty, we're all about communication and telling your spouse your true feelings. This holiday season, some of you might choose to come out to your families in one way or another, too. Think: introducing them a new spouse or pet?

We make choices everyday on what our friends, family and co-workers know about us. In this article, Clarisse Thorn, the S&M feminist, addresses the pros and cons of coming out in the 'real' world. She may not reveal her secret identity yet, but she does discuss what conditions she requires to come out. Though National Coming Out Day has come and past, talking to family or friends (maybe even co-workers) about your innermost sexual secrets can be complicated or near impossible. For more on what Clarisse is thinking about, read on!

* * *

Today was National Coming Out Day. I cried when I saw Milk and I think outness can be an important political act, but I’m not coming out - not yet.

In 2008, I decided to take all my theories about S&M — and all my confused feelings — and use them for sex-related activism. I started Sex+++, my sex-positive film series in Chicago, which was an unexpectedly huge success. I volunteered at the Leather Archives, the world’s only S&M museum. I also began writing this blog. Soon, I was getting speaking engagements. Then I started publishing articles in big outlets. Always under the name, Clarisse Thorn.

I had several reasons for writing under a pseudonym:

#1 Employment

I thought I might want to explore a career path at a conservative company. In fact, I spent the first two years of my Clarisse-Thorn-time working for bosses who would not have been okay with the fact that I’m a decently well-known S&M writer.

The social climate now is somewhat liberal — it’s mostly okay to be gay, for example, or at least it’s more okay than it has been for hundreds of years. But S&M is something else. Less than ten years ago, a prominent U.N. employee named Jack McGeorge was publicly attacked in the media because he was an S&Mer. And while you might think times have changed, a sex blogger who called herself The Beautiful Kind (real name Kendra Holliday) lost her job in 2010 when her boss found out.

BDSM -and sexuality in general- is still very stigmatized. People who write openly and personally about sex are taking huge risks with their employability.

#2 Friends

I’m lucky because my parents are both very analytical, liberal thinkers; they’re deeply interested in gender politics, and they think my work is awesome. However, there are other people in my social network who would not be cool with Clarisse Thorn. For example, one of my closest friends comes from a hardcore religious family. I like her family. I’ve been to their house for Christmas. They’ve told me that I’m “a good influence” on their daughter, although they understand that I’m pretty liberal. But if they knew I was kinky, God only knows how they’d react.

Another example: a former boss of mine is very, very conservative. In fact, he’s a Tea Party member. This boss has always been incredibly kind and generous to me; I visit him occasionally even though I don’t work for him anymore, and he’s told me that he thinks of me like a daughter. Would he “disown” me if he knew about Clarisse Thorn? I don’t know.

Some people who work in sexuality say: “Well, I wouldn’t want to work for someone who can’t accept me as I am,” or “I wouldn’t want to be close to someone who wouldn’t be okay with my sexuality.” Maybe that’s true for them. But people are complicated, the world is a nuanced place, and I’ve drawn a lot of comfort and joy from these relationships, even if I disagree with those folks in some ways.

#3  Kids and marriage

I hope to have kids at some point. In U.S. culture, the most efficient way to go about that is usually to get married. I don’t want a potential husband to be in a position where people will assume he’s perverted just because he’s marrying me; if he wants to be out, then that’s fine, but I don’t want outness to be a precondition. I don’t want to risk his employment along with my own. If I’m going to meet a fiancé’s family, I’d rather they had the opportunity to get to know me as a person before they Google me and discover this. I mean, I’ve dated men whose families would have had trouble adjusting to the relationship because I was white. Imagine if they knew that I was a pervert.

And my poor potential kids! I mentioned Kendra Holliday earlier; her son has definitely caught some flak at school. I’m pretty sure the famous S&M writer Janet Hardy stayed in the closet, writing under the name Catherine Liszt, until her children were grown — I seem to recall seeing something she wrote where she described kids as “hostages to social stigma,” although I can’t find it now. (Update: Janet did stay in the closet until her kids were grown, but she doesn’t recall saying anything about hostages.)

#4 Personal Privacy

There are other reasons for being closeted. I am, in fact, nervous about having everyone in the world know details about my sex life (even though my writing is fairly vague, emotional, and political compared to most sex writing). Personal safety worries me, too.

There is something shadowy and romantic about having a “secret identity” — and as a dedicated child of the Internet since 1996, when anonymity was the norm, I always liked playing identity games. But this is more inconvenient and stressful than romantic. I mean, earlier this year I spoke at the biggest news media conference in the world. Imagine attending a four-day social media convention while preventing yourself from being photographed or identified. It was intense.

I like being able to shed the CT persona if I have to, although this writing has become so integral to me that it’s kind of difficult relating to people who don’t understand this aspect of me. On the other hand, the last three times I went to Wicker Park, I ran into people who know me only as Clarisse Thorn. And there have been many opportunities cross-pollinated among my various lives. People who know mostly my “real” self have given many leads to Clarisse, and vice versa.

I made a list a few years ago, of factors that I’d want to have in place before I came out of the closet:

#1 Either massive wealth (ha!) or a career trajectory that makes me certain I won’t ever need a job where CT’s existence is a drawback.

#2 Married to someone who doesn’t mind, with kids who are all grown up.

#3 Social changes such that there’s massively decreased social stigma around sexuality, especially S&M.

#4 Some factor that tips the balance towards making it worth coming out of the closet: i.e., some opportunity that I can’t take unless I come out, which I would be a fool to turn down.

#5 The development of Clarisse Thorn as a “legitimate” public intellectual.

I have put so very much energy into maintaining my privacy. But it has always chafed, too. I’m writing this now, because I’m really close to coming out. S&M has become way more culturally okay in the last five years. Clarisse Thorn has written for major media outlets and lectured at important cultural institutions, and an opportunity has come my way that I would be a fool to turn down.

I find myself on the brink of a decision that has been in the back of my mind for years. I’m hesitant. My cautious freelancer side tells me that I want some serious money in my hand before I make any big decisions. My list is incomplete. I’m not married. I don’t have kids yet. In this economy it’s impossible to be certain of anything, career-wise.

I’m thinking of making coming out into a game. It appeals to my geeky soul. Offering some kind of prize to a person who identifies me, as long as they document their Internet Detective procedures; this would be a great lesson of why long-term pseudonymity is impossible in the Information Age. I’d love to see how different people go about it!

I’m not there yet, though. I’m close. I’m so close. It will most likely happen soon, but I’m not quite there. I’m uncertain and scared and once I make this decision, I can never take it back. I’m waiting to see if a couple of things pan out.

Cross-posted with permission from Clarisse Thorn's blog.

Clarisse Thorn is a feminist S&M writer who has lectured from Berlin to San Francisco, and written from The Guardian to Jezebel. She wrote a book about men, dating, and sex called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she's also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. She's always writing something new, so check out her list of books.

Find her on Twitter @clarissethorn and Facebook.

Read more »

3 Ways To Feel Sexy Again After Giving Birth

It's Naked November so, we want to make sure that everyone feels comfortable being naked even if you just gave birth recently. In fact, having a new child should be an even bigger reason to celebrate because you may now have a very sexy motherly figure to show off. Congratulations! GetLusty's resident sexy mom and staff writer Eileen Prouffe reports.

* * *

While it might take a few months to a whole year to feel totally back to normal mentally and physically after giving birth, that doesn't mean you cannot embrace your new figure right away. Since every body is unique, most women will not bounce back like a celebrity right after having a baby, especially if it is not your first baby. This is natural and normal and you really shouldn't rush or overwhelm yourself to have to get back to your pre-pregnancy size. Don't let society or other people pressure you.  Do what feels right for yourself.

A lot of women actually leave the hospital still looking pregnant because it takes time for your uterus to go back to normal especially if you had a c-section like I have had twice. So, if you were able to experience natural birth, you're lucky because your body should restore itself faster and even quicker if you breast feed.

#1 Get Moving

We're all about safety at Get Lusty so, as soon as your doctor permits, start getting some physical exercise besides all the running around you will be doing taking care of your new bundle of joy. The best way to get moving is in the bedroom when possible. Make sure you take some time out for yourself and your significant other to take care of business. It will not only help you relive stress, but burn calories too.  Get on top and be proud of yourself.  There's nothing to be ashamed of. The more confident you feel, the more your partner will be attracted to you.    

#2 Take Care Of Your Skin

It's very easy for your skin to get stretch marks and lose it's elasticity after giving birth so, the best way to feel good and accept your new skin is to take care of it and treat it well. Don't believe that all of these stretch mark creams are going to cause a miracle to happen, but they will help improve the tone and look of the skin over time. If I knew of something that could cause a total transformation, I'd tell you, but I don't. I've tried various products and still have stretch marks. I've learned to accept them and be proud of what I have gone through and you should too. While magazines may act like stretch marks are unsightly, they're wrong; skin and bones are actually unsightly. Stretch marks are a mother's reminder of the sacrifice they went through. So, be proud of the skin you bear and flaunt it!

#3 Take Pictures Of Your New Body

Celebrate your new body by taking pictures of it and creating new memories of the new you. There are many boudoir photographers that can take pictures of you, your new baby and you can even get your partner in on it too. I have a really good friend who has five children and lives in California and even though she has lost her baby weight, she is not afraid to post pictures on Facebook of herself in a bikini showing off her stretch marks. There are some very sexy motherly pictures that can be created so, don't be afraid to check it out experience something new. It's all about feeling good about yourself and not worrying about what other people are thinking of you. Just as I thought my friend was beautiful in her pictures, people will think the same of you and they will actually respect you for what you've gone through and how you're not afraid to be yourself. If you think and feel sexy, it's impossible to not be perceived as sexy.

Eileen Prouffe is a GetLusty staff writer with over ten years as a working mom trying to keep her love alive. If she's not having fun with her three kids, she's staring into the eyes of her loving husband. She looks forward to sharing her ideas, tips and knowledge with everyone to help improve relationships and put an end to dull sex lives. Get in touch with Eileen at eileen@getlusty.com.

Read more »

Podcast! Kelly Shibari Talks Feminist Porn & Self-Acceptance (NSFW)

Kelly Shibari is not your typical adult entertainer. A successful business woman and self-proclaimed "intelligent hedonist," Kelly is out to break stereotypes about porn stars and take on obstacles dealing with body image.

We sat down to chat with her about her unique niche in the porn industry and why she couldn't be happier about it (which we recorded for your listening pleasure).

More on what we talked about:

• Born and raised in Japan, Kelly was aware of her weight at a young age. "I was always a bigger kid...it wasn't until I came to the states that I realized I wasn't as big as people made me out to be," Kelly says.
• Kelly believes working in porn helped improve her self-esteem and body image, and aided in shedding some of the negative thoughts she held as a child about her own body.
• Kelly's most recent film, "Kelly Shibari is Overloaded," is a different kind of porn in that is helps break the stereotype that plus-size porn stars are "just a pretty face" who don't do the extreme sex scenes that are generally reserved for more slender women.
• What makes "Overloaded" feminist porn for Kelly? Its sense of female empowerment and her being in control of the scenes. "If you're a gentleman, you get the sexiest part of me, if you're a jerk you don't get anything sexy about me," she says of her male fans who took part.
• Kelly believes "Overloaded" and similar films allow fans to see that you don't always have to be inside the box - be experimental and branch out, but put safety first, she advises.
• Tips for being comfortable with your own sexuality? Do your research before you experiment and find positive and fun in everything you do, Kelly recommends. Trying new things helps you find out what turns you on and what works for you!

More about Kelly:

Kelly is a voluptuous, naturally busty Asian porn performer/director/producer who has been happily breaking stereotypes about big girls, Asians, and pornstars all at the same time for the past six years. She runs several sites –PaddedKINK (NSFW), a plus-size fetish site; ThePRSMGroup, a social media consultancy for the adult industry, and KellyShibariXXX (NSFW), her personal site for fans of her porn work.

In 2011, she won the Feminist Porn Award for PaddedKINK, and was featured in Rammstein’s music video for their song “Mein Land”. She just released my first self-produced “fanbang” film, “Kelly Shibari Is Overloaded“ (NSFW), and is preparing to be one of the headliners for BBWFanFest, the first-ever adult convention for plus-size adult performers and models. She is also a recurring substitute co-host for Playboy Radio’s “Night Calls” and Spice Radio’s “YouPorn” shows. To connect with Kelly, visit her Facebook page or follow her on Twitter @KellyShibari.

Read more »

Be a Sexy Vixen. Learn It From Bettie Page!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Read more »

Gents! 4 Steps to Restoring Sexual Function

Intercourse can be an essential component to your sexual life. Have you ever lost your erection and felt totally out-of-control of your sexuality? No, no! At GetLusty, we've been there. We don't want to experience the same confusion and simply--sadness. Expert on erectile dysfunction (ED), Dr. Joel Block, offers advice on how to overcome ED and restore a healthy love life by using real examples. Don't let ED hold you back from an amazing sexual relationship.

* * *

“Alice and I stopped having sex five years ago,” says Jeff, 52. “I had a few episodes of ED, once unable to get an erection, once losing it as soon as I got it. She assured me it didn’t matter, and, since our sex life had been going downhill for years, I believed her. I thought it didn’t matter that much to me either. We kept to our separate sides of the bed. Without telling her, I masturbated once or twice a week. I had another erection problem, and we decided to see a therapist together. Therapy was good for us. We forged a closer, more intimate connection to each other than we’d had since the early days when we were struggling and the kids were babies. Once we got closer, the ED thing didn’t happen again. My erections are pretty good, partly because we’ve opened up our lovemaking style.”

For Jeff, therapy was the ED remedy. Depending on the cause of ED, there are several ways of treating it but in any case, here are some first aid tips:

#1 If you lose your erection, let it go

"The first few times I lost an erection during intercourse, I grabbed my penis and desperately trying to get hard again," says James, 51. "It didn't happen. My wife commiserated with me. Sex was over. Then I tried something different. When I felt my erection going, I pulled out before she could notice or respond, and began performing cunnilingus on her. That has become my pattern now for handling the unexpected soft spots. Usually I get hard again. Even if I don't, I have satisfied her, which makes me feel good."

#2 Concentrate on pleasing your partner

James's approach, performing cunnilingus when his erection falters, is a good one. When a man forgets his own perceived "problem" and concentrates on giving his partner pleasure, he relieves his performance anxiety. And he creates a win–win situation. Maybe he will get his erection back, but even if he doesn't, he will feel good about himself as a lover.

#3 Use a partial erection to good advantage

Paul, 46, says: "When I feel my erection subsiding during intercourse, I pull out, take my penis in hand and get creative. Grasping my member firmly, I stimulate my wife's clitoris with the head, brushing it back and forth, often bringing her to orgasm this way. Sometimes I use the head of my penis to stroke her inner thighs or her nipples. Often, I get really hard this way. We both enjoy penis play."

Some men can also have intercourse with a partial erection by holding the base of the penis firmly as they thrust. You don't need a full erection to make love with your penis. Experiment with ways of stimulating your partner with the erection you have.

#4 Don't blame your partner

When experiencing hurt pride after an erectile failure, a man might lash out at his partner and accuse her of failing to arouse him sufficiently. Don't do that. Not only will you hurt her and invite a defensive assault but you'll only feel worse about yourself later. Once a couple has started a cycle of blaming, it's hard to break free and move to a place of acceptance and understanding. Let down the barriers and share your fears and concerns with her, without blaming her or yourself. Some men find it more difficult to talk about their erection problems than about their emotions. For them, a savvy and understanding woman can make the difference between a frustrating sexual future and a transition into another, less erection-based kind of lovemaking.

Joel D. Block, Ph.D., is an award-winning psychologist-excellence in couple therapy-practicing couple and sex therapy on Long Island, New York. Board Certified in Couple therapy by the American Board of Professional Psychology, Dr. Block is a senior psychologist on the staff of the North Shore-Long Island Jewish Medical Center and an Assistant Clinical Professor (Psychology/Psychiatry) at the Hofstra North Shore-LIJ Medical School.

For 20 years he was the training supervisor of the Sexuality Center at Long Island-Jewish Medical Center. Dr. Block is the author of over 20 books on Love and Sex, his specialty. Check out DrBlock.com for more information.

Read more »