Country Girl City Life: Dr. Jenn

Showing posts with label Dr. Jenn. Show all posts

How to Stop Pissing Off Your Partner

Pesky holidays! They can get so testy, can't they? You end up arguing with your partner for no reason. One of you hasn't wrapped a present, or forgot to make reservations or some other silly reason. Or you come home with a heap of stress from another situation and you take it out on your partner. Then what? Here comes trouble! When taking these issues in stride, Dr. Jenn helps us think about helpful solutions. How about stop pissing off your partner by listening? Want to stop pissing off your partner? Read on.

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Some of the most common gender differences I see in relationships regard communication styles. For example, it is not uncommon for a woman to want to talk through things and vent about her concerns. However, many men interpret this as a request to fix the situation.

Vent, gather info or fix?

It makes sense -- if someone we love is hurting and tells us that, why wouldn’t we want to do what we can to “fix” it? But interestingly, the woman often becomes irritated because she says he isn’t listening to her or is trivializing her concern. And the man gets annoyed, because he thinks she isn’t taking his advice to make the situation better.

If you recognize this pattern in your relationship, what can you do about it? The best approach is to be clear about your expectations from the start. For example, if everyday when you get home from work you like to tell you partner about what happened and share your frustrations, state up front what you’re looking for.

“Hi, hon. Can I just vent about my day? You don’t have to do anything. I just need you to listen.” And if you’re on the receiving end you could say, “I noticed I’m getting really irritated listening right now and frustrated that I can’t do anything. Do you want me to help you fix this problem, or do you just want me to listen?” This will make a big shift in communication and avoid hurt feelings.

I think there can also be a third category, depending on your personality. Sometimes people share stories and ask questions because they are on a “fact finding” mission. They want to gather perspectives so they can come to a more informed decision for themselves. So recognize this as a middle area, and clearly state your intentions for the conversation.

“I don’t need to vent, but I’m also not looking for a fix. I’m curious about your ideas around this topic just so I can gather information.” With this clarity, the partner who is giving the feedback will be less likely to feel discouraged if you don’t take their advice.

Like developing any new habit, it can take time to create this new pattern of interaction. Being clear about your intentions and expectations is a great practice in transparency. In the long run, we’re much more likely to get our needs met when we own them and articulate them from the start.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression.

Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page.

As we move towards the GetLusty for Couples re-launch, we're all working harder than ever. This means we're working longer hours and dreaming about quality time together. Now, though, more than ever--we need to focus on the positives. We're going to offer couples more features. We'll help couples create amazing sexual relationships.

Needless to say, when task lists and work weeks get longer, conversations can get tense. And this takes work! As Dr. Jenn reminds us in this article, it's important to focus on the positive in our lives. Our emotional perspective makes an important impact on how we feel about ourselves and our relationships. So--how about it? Can you see the positive through negative situation?

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A client shared this with me recently. She and her husband use this idea as a reminder to not make problems any bigger than they have to be. They choose to focus on their joys instead of their fears. Through our work on mindfulness and positive psychology, and their commitment to their marriage, they created this powerful mantra. Pretty wise for 24 year-olds.

To develop mindfulness, I encouraged them to notice or reflect on their thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Sometimes a situation results in just a reaction without thought. It seems you have no choice in your reaction. Mindfulness can reveal an opportunity to respond differently. I also encouraged them to end each day by sharing three gratitudes for that day with each other.

In addition, if they felt sucked down by negativity during the day, they could choose to “flip the switch” to positivity. Instead, they would shift their focus to something for which they felt appreciation. Small shifts like these can have a big impact on a relationship. Clearly these shifts are working for this couple, as the husband recently shared:

"I decided that the problems (we felt) were small. On the other hand, the rewards are large. So I just don’t pay much attention to them anymore. Please know that you have helped guide us from a tragic situation to one of the highest levels of intimacy and satisfaction. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this giddy beyond the infatuation phase, but now I know you can feel in love every second of my life."

They may be thanking me, but each of them is doing the hard work of retraining their brains. It’s not easy. But we have a lot more power and control over our emotional states and reactions than we realize. Sometimes it feels downright excruciating to break our automatic patterns. However, as this couple attests, through the pain of change, is the glory of intimacy.

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page.

What? We're all f*cked up sexually? That makes sense though, doesn't it? No one is perfect (well--unless you're talking about me. I'm totally perfect). Everyone makes mistakes, so why wouldn't we all be a little sexually dysfunctional? One of our favorites, Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus of Dr. Jenn's Den, is back talking about sexual concerns. We must say that almost all of us at the GetLusty office currently has or has had a sexual concern. So from our perspective--we think yes, we're all sexually dysfunctional. Well, we'll let you develop your own ideas about this topic. Read on!

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At the recent sexuality conference I attended, my friend and colleague Gina Odgen spoke about her “ISIS Wheel.” ISIS is an acronym for “integrating sexuality and spirituality.”

Gina is a sex therapist, author, and shaman, and her ISIS Wheel is a like a medicine wheel and a compass, applied to sexual experience and satisfaction. To the right is an image of the ISIS Wheel.

Visualize yourself standing before a life-sized ISIS Wheel. Now reflect on your sexual experiences and sexuality and consider how you like to enter these experiences.

Is it through the “body” realm and pleasurable sensations, such as heightened body awareness, the sounds of your partner’s arousal, or orgasm? Think back to the first time you had sex. Perhaps there was a “mind” component motivating you, such as curiosity or expectation. The “heart” component, about emotions, is strong for many and varies from the extremes of love and trust, to guilt and fear. For some, the “spirit” path is most motivating, when they exchange sexual energies and deep connection with their partner.

The foundation for Gina’s ISIS Wheel is sexual health, not sexual dysfunction. This means that despite any concerns people have in their sex lives, it is all just part of their sexual story that can be mapped and explored through the wheel. Framing sexual concerns as stories instead of dysfunction gives individuals and couples more freedom to explore the complexity of their sexual experiences, without judgment. Clearly, sex through the lens of the ISIS framework is about a lot more than physical release or performance.

The “ISIS connection” is when all four aspects of the wheel meet in the center. However, any experience is just as valid as the next. When we view a sexual “problem” as part of a sexual story and journey, it makes it a lot easier to address it head on, in all its layers of complexity. I suggest taking this wheel for a spin to learn more about you and your partner!

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Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives. Follow Dr. Jenn on twitter @DrJennsDen, or subscribe to her Facebook page.

We love sluts. We were very strong advocates of SlutWalk Chicago. And we thought we'd keep conversation going around the topic of being a 'real man' on the converse side. What does it mean to be a slut?

Though we all have the same needs and desires, women often face scrutiny for embracing their sexuality while men are celebrated for it. This stigma has led to very negative implications for both women and men. Here, our friend Dr. Jenn offers her thoughts and questions as to how the term "slut" results in such negative consequences, as well as why being a "slut" is considered to be such a bad thing.

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Rush Limbaugh’s “slut-bashing” incident brought to light how we Americans perceive and experience our sexuality. If you missed this or want the full story, read about Limbaugh’s slut slandering of a female Georgetown law student, in response to her testifying before Congress about access to birth control. The incident is fraught with controversy, so for now, let’s just look at the use of the word “slut.”

What is a “slut?”

Generally, it is a derogatory word used for a woman who is considered too sexual. This begs the question, what does “too sexual” mean, and who decides how much sex is too much for an adult woman? It’s a funny world we live in, where women are highly desired for their sexuality, yet criticized by both women and men if they want to be in control of that sexuality.

Why is there such a low threshold of acceptable sexual expression for women compared to men? I know a lot of men who like sex, and wish that women were encouraged to like it just as much! However, there is a distinct gender difference in who is allowed to be sexual without stigma. Research shows that women often report a lower than truthful number of sexual partners. Men, on the other hand, report a higher number. Clearly, both genders have internalized what is appropriate sexual behavior.

Why does it matter if we call a girl or woman a slut?

When a woman is labeled a slut, the stigma can be very real in its impact and consequences. For example, labeling a high school girl a slut has long been one of the top insults that can be hurled and can negatively impact the girl’s reputation, enjoyment of high school, and circle of friends. This hasn’t changed in the 20 years since I was in high school, and with the recent recognition of the dangers of bullying, perhaps this is something to which we should pay more attention.

I believe the reason why there is so much controversy around “sluts” is because sex is powerful and provocative. People make a lot of decisions based on their sex drive, some empowering and some pretty damn foolish (e.g., look at the fall of so many male politicians and religious leaders who can’t keep their dicks in their pants). I think sexual women have long been the scapegoats of powerful men. Our sexual decisions sometimes have big consequences, but labeling women for choosing to be sexual, when it benefits the women AND men, shouldn’t be one of those consequences.

I think a slut is a woman who seeks sexual experiences and enjoys being sexual. That doesn’t sound so bad to me. Last year, the “Slut Walk” movement in many major cities was a way to reclaim women’s sexual expression, and stop blaming sexual assault on women’s fashion choices. Perhaps a chant of “Two, Four, Six, Eight. Women are Sexual and Sluts are Great!” is something we should all take to the streets.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? Do it by December 1st and you'll be entered to win the ultimate in sex toys for couples--a LELO Tiani 2 vibrator.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

Sometimes, we women feel like we should have sex. Maybe it's been a while or maybe you have a sex break scheduled. You don't want to disappoint your love. Now somewhere in or around your vaginal opening or walls hurts, maybe you nicked your inner lips while shaving, waxing, or prepping. We've all been there, but how do you describe this to a lover? How important is to have sex that's pleasurable for the both of you? What do you when sex is painful? Dr. Jenn, a leading sex educator and therapist from sunny, warm San Diego reports.

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Dear Dr. Jenn,

Is it normal to have pain when I have sex with my boyfriend? It’s not all the time, but about half the time I have to stop him once he’s inside because it hurts too much. What should we do?

Thank you!
Sex is a Pain

Dear Sex is a Pain,

I’m so sorry to hear you’re experiencing pain! But very happy that you brought it up, since you are not alone. A 2010 Indiana University study found that one third of women reported genital pain during their last sexual encounter. First, a few clarifying questions: Where is the pain located? Is it inside or outside your vagina? What does the pain feel like, for example, is it burning or sore? Has this happened with past partners? Can you pinpoint any differences between the times you have pain and the times you do not?

If the pain is deep inside and only occasional, it might be connected to changes in your menstrual cycle, which can shift your cervix and uterus. I suggest that you alter sexual positions when there’s pain, to find one that doesn’t allow for deep penetration.

On the other hand, if the pain is right around the entrance to your vagina, there are likely other factors coming into play, such as lubrication and time. Since the pain is not always present, I’m guessing that the difference could be that you haven’t had enough time to get all juicy and lubricated.

All bodies are different, and some people need more foreplay prior to intercourse to allow their genitals to engorge with blood and for the body to kick in with natural vaginal lubrication. More finger and tongue action around the vulva and vaginal opening should better prepare you for penetration.

Also, adding a personal lubricant can help reduce unwanted friction (I recommend brands like Sliquid, Hathor Aphrodisia, or Pink). If you believe you have a physical problem that is not addressed here or is more serious (e.g., vulvodynia), we are lucky in San Diego to have the Sexual Medicine Clinic at Alvarado Hospital. Visit them to determine the source of your pain.

It’s very important that you openly discuss this with your boyfriend. You want to make sure both of you are doing what you can to stop the pain. Sometimes women grin and bear it, but in the long run this creates a negative feedback loop around sex. Sex should be fun and pleasurable for both partners and I hope this helps you achieve that. I wish you happy and healthy sex!

Passionately,
Dr. Jenn

This article was cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Blog. *This article was originally posted to the Sex & Love Blog Series at Pacific San Diego Magazine.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

No matter how much you may love your partner, it's only natural to still notice other people you find attractive. Whether it's an innocent glance or a full on stare, you'll still look at others and let your thoughts wander. On the other hand, if you catch your partner committing such an act, it is only natural to assume the worst instead of figuring that its simply an innocent check-out. Dr. Jenn offers her advice on how couples should handle this issue in which the answer is not deterrence, but acceptance.

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“You know, I thought that the person who waited on us at the restaurant last night was hot and I noticed I was attracted to them.”

How would you feel if your significant other said this to you? Would you feel insecure about yourself and freak out with jealousy? That is the likely response for many people.

We generally believe that it is not appropriate to talk with our current partner about how attracted we are to someone else. We learn that jealousy is the appropriate and justified response, since we have the romantic notion that our partner should never notice anyone else. If they do, our insecurities kick in, and we assume it means that we are not lovable enough, special enough, or good enough, and our partner might leave us. While this interpretation seems to be natural, it is not the only interpretation available.

It is natural to notice people you perceive as attractive, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Pretending that it doesn’t happen does not make those thoughts go away. I think it is important to keep the doors of communication open around topics like this. Otherwise, when natural occurrences like this become shameful or judged, they can become more powerful. What we resist, persists.

I am not suggesting that you should share every libidinous thought with your partner. It could be difficult and downright overwhelming to hear continual commentary about who arouses your partner. I think that tact is important in building comfort in sharing around potentially sensitive topics. It is also important to learn that when your partner finds someone else attractive, it is not a reflection on you.

Why am I even recommending this at all? Because I believe people would be less likely to cheat if they established a foundation of openness and trust in the beginning of their relationship by sharing such topics. When we admit that we feel attraction to others, share this with our partner, and then choose to remain committed in our partnership, it creates a bond of trust and honesty that can bring couples emotionally closer in the long run.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Sex and food go together like peanut butter and jelly. We have already talked about why food and sex work so well together and how to spice things up in your kitchen. But when involving food and sex we should always follow a set of commandments. No one wants any spicy peppers or hot oils near our pleasure zones! Ouch! So if you are ready to bring some sexy food into your love life read on! Dr. Jenn is here with her 10 commandments concerning food and sex!

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Commandment #1

Many fresh fruits are sensual and nutritious. Choose five of different colors and shapes and create a fruit plate of foreplay.

Commandment #2

Eating small amounts of dark chocolate is not only pleasing to your taste buds, it also raises your body’s endorphins.

Commandment #3

Double the amount of time you usually spend eating a meal and chew each bite longer to truly experience the food

Commandment #4

Pay attention to all five senses when you’re in the bedroom and be present with regard to the pleasant sensations felt in the moment.

Commandment #5

Create your own aphrodisiacs – take turns once a week preparing or buying a meal or special food item that is all about pleasing your partner.

Commandment #6

Eat a rainbow of fresh vegetables regularly for the high fiber and vitamins and minerals. A healthy you can lead to a healthy sex drive.

Commandment #7

Spend 20 minutes eating an orange, alone or with a partner; be mindful of what it is like to make love to that orange.

Commandment #8

If you are going to indulge in foods that you think are guilty pleasures, don’t feel guilty and just enjoy the experience (and the pleasures).

Commandment #9

Never put sweet items in your vagina because the sugar can increase the chance of a bacterial infection.

Commandment #10

Avoid foods that make you feel bloated and sluggish (fried foods, refined carbohydrates, rich cream sauces, saturated fats, or excessive sugar) – it doesn’t feel sexy!

Keeping these commandments in mind, go forth and enjoy your sexual experience with all your senses!

We kinda love history. From the history of burlesque to dildos, we're a fan of understand the past and how it effects us today. Ever wonder how you lil' buddy came into being? We have already covered the history of the dildo, blow job, and Burlesque. Now it's time to discover where the vibrator came from! Dr. Jenn, (also known as Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD) gives us a quick and witty history of how this wonderful toy, or necessity, became a reality.

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Imagine it is 1880 and you are a London housewife. You are unsatisfied with your life, easily irritable, depressed and experiencing insomnia, so you seek a doctor for assistance. If you can afford Dr. Robert Dalrymple and his protégée Dr. Mortimer Granville, you would be diagnosed with “hysteria.” This was considered a plague of their time, a “disabling condition” for at least half the women of London. The cause of this plague? An “overactive uterus.” Here’s the best part: The treatment for hysteria was…(wait for it)…having your clitoris manually stimulated by your doctor until orgasm. I’m serious. This was a medical treatment to address the nervous system and help put a woman’s uterus back in order.

Luckily for Dr. Granville, the eager Dr. Dalrymple happened to have a friend and benefactor who was also a Lord of London and eccentric inventor. His latest invention was a steam-powered generator attached to a feather duster to ease the strains of housework. However, they saw the potential to extend this technology to ease the strains of Granville’s handiwork. The result? Multiple “paroxysms” in a quarter of the time. The marketability of this as a home product for the relaxation and health of women led to the invention of the portable home “massager,” the precursor to our favorite vibrators today.

I’ve known about the origins of the modern vibrator for many years, but "Hysteria" helped fill some confusing gaps for me. For example, how was it possible that the doctors didn’t know they were sexually pleasuring their female patients? How did they not know they were inducing an orgasm? Also, wasn’t this type of touching considered very personal and embarrassing? At the time, it was believed that women only experienced sexual pleasure through penetration of a penis. The doctors believed they were triggering a paroxysm which was understood to be a necessary outburst and release of emotion. And as depicted in the movie "Hysteria," the doctors provided their vulva massage to each patient behind a red velvet curtain, draped at the woman’s waist, to maintain modesty.

The history of the vibrator is confusing and truly ridiculous by today’s understanding of sexuality. Despite dabbling in serious topics, Hysteria takes a romantic comedy approach that is entertaining and accessible, but certainly not earth shattering. I recommend it as a worthy rental to tickle your sexual funny bone. And what movie about vibrators wouldn’t have a happy ending?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

Rejection in the bedroom is so common that it has become an archetype for humor everywhere. But, all humor aside, rejection in the bedroom sucks. Especially when it comes from someone you love and care about deeply. It may seem as simple as your partner not being in the mood, but rejection might be symptomatic of deeper issues. Even though rejection can freak couples out, Dr. Jenn has a few explanations for what causes frustration and some very helpful advice on how to overcome.

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Read the cartoon. “I’m guessing you are not in the mood…” Cue laughter. Why does this evoke laughter? Even I laughed initially when I read it before I considered other perspectives. I was curious whether women in general would find it amusing due to familiarity with that situation, or if they would be upset by it. And what about men?

In my private practice, I frequently witness this dynamic with couples of mismatched desire levels, albeit not to the extent of barbed wire. In bed at night, here’s the monologue that seems to go through the woman’s head:

He will probably want sex tonight. It’s been a little while so maybe I should. But I’m exhausted and don’t feel like it. If I yawn loudly, he’ll see the subtle clue that I’m too tired and not ask, and then I won’t feel guilty about saying no.

This cartoon cuts through the mental game playing as the woman blatantly presents her opinion about sex that night. The man scratches his head, and with a bit of uncertainty, states the obvious.

I have mixed feelings about this cartoon. This is a stereotype, and such stereotypes are problematic because they can enforce already restrictive gender roles. On the other hand, this is how many couples operate, and humor is a known path to opening dialogue around uncomfortable topics.

So I posted the cartoon on Facebook and asked for people’s initial reactions, and why they had that reaction (both publicly and in private message). The responses were incredibly varied from the extremes of “this is depressing” and “this isn’t funny,” to recognition that “as a mother of three children, I laughed,” to “lighten up people, it’s a joke” (which incidentally, was from a man). The most poignant responses were those indicating opposing gender perspectives on who was responsible for the couple reaching this point. As one friend posted: we need to ask why this is happening. I quite agree. What differences are women and men learning about sex and experiencing around sex that makes this a often repeated joke? Clearly we’re missing the mark. And each other.

From a woman’s perspective, why would she get to a point of desiring physical barriers between her and her partner? She may be exhausted and overwhelmed from juggling so much, doesn’t feel much of a physical sex drive, she’s bored with the same old in the bedroom, or she’s built up a wall of resentments that make opening up sexually difficult. These are all common explanations I hear from clients and are quite valid. The Facebook crowd added that a discomfort can exist if the man has cheated or if the woman gets tired of saying no. This was exemplified by the comment, “another clueless horny man,” from a woman who thought the cartoon was funny because it's true. There were also some women who felt that the depicted couple was sad and distressing, because clearly her other modes of communication had been ignored.

The sad theme was also mentioned by several men, who considered it frustrating to a man. I perceived these responses to mean that to encounter such roadblocks when desiring sexual intimacy with your partner is upsetting. Continual rejection can take quite a toll on a man’s self-esteem and confidence. On the other hand, several men found humor in the cartoon with the “it’s funny because it’s true” response for a few reasons: because women don’t communicate directly enough for men to understand, so the blatancy of the cartoon is appreciated; it “blames” the woman for her lack of interest in sex; and that the use of a bear trap and fencing in bed is just funny. One explanation for this scenario I have found in my practice is that men are more likely to continue to have physical sexual desire throughout a long-term relationship, while their female partners don’t experience the same type of physical urges. It can be difficult for men to understand and accept this shift.

That being said, I would be remiss to not share the perspectives of the women and men who expressed the opposite view. A couple women were in the shoes of the “man” of wanting more sex. One man responded, after a chuckle, that sometimes guys don’t want sex either. There were also some people who recognized that it takes two to tango, and that both partners play a role in creating this situation. I certainly see all of this in my practice as well.

What is the lesson here? In relationships as depicted in the cartoon, it’s vital to realize that the woman is not trying to be a gatekeeper. Additionally, the man is not trying to be an ass. Despite the difficulty in each partner accepting this, it is actually quite hurtful and guilt-inducing on both sides. It helps to avoid defensiveness, be honest and accepting of the truth, and allow space for your partner to do the same. Get to the heart of your needs, desires, and motivations, and open to a teamwork approach. Otherwise that electrical fence will get more charged and divisive.

And the funniest response on Facebook? One of the class clowns from my high school did not disappoint. He wrote: “I’m wondering what book she’s reading? Maybe it’s 50 Shades of Grey, in which case the guy should hang in there as she might change her mind shortly.” Thank you, Doug.

We love Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD. She has helped us take ownership of our sexuality, give better anal, and taught us what to do if sex gets painful. Today, she's back again for a big problem that over 20 million Americans have.

Sexless relationships and marriage. We'll have more on sexless couples, but for now, we wanted to address this issue!

Dr. Jenn has wonderful advice to give and wants to improve everyone's love life. Do you notice that sex in your relationship is becoming less frequent and want that quick fix? Dr. Jenn is here to let you know why quick fixes are not always the answer to your problems.

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If you've experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won't be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query. However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself in order to start digging at the foundation of a lackluster sex life.

Question yourself and your partner. Ask these two basic questions:

1. What does having sex mean to you?
2. What does not having sex mean to you?

When I write "mean," I'm referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions. For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, "What does it mean? It means I'm just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work." Yikes. Lots of underlying resentments. Generally, resentments represent needs that aren't being met. In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a "sexless" marriage what not having sex meant to him. He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife. Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

What's the quick fix?

When sex is "missing" in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best "quick fix" I can recommend.

Dr. Jenn, also a writer for GetLusty for Couples, is an inspiring lady. We met her at CatalystCon, and since have been in a flurry publicizing the multitude of amazing things she's doing to save the relationships of couples everywhere.

We had a chat recently and recorded it for our audience. What a valuable resource for couples! Stay tuned, as we announce Dr. Jenn's first eBook especially for ladies

More about our podcast

What drew Dr. Jenn to the human sexuality aspect of sociology? A self-proclaimed "good girl" when she was in college, Dr. Jenn joined the Sexual Health Peer Educators to become comfortable with public speaking and her interests in sex, sexual health, and power dynamics in gender evolved from there.
What are girls taught versus what are boys taught growing up, says Dr. Jenn, presents a problematic power dynamic for women as it puts women at a disadvantage with less freedom surrounding sexuality. Society fosters negative and shameful feelings about sexuality, when it should really be open and widely discussed!
What are some of the biggest issues Dr. Jenn's seen for couples? In younger couples, technology and social media becomes a factor in harboring jealousy, while in older couples there's the issue of boredom and difference in desires between genders.
To cover both the younger couple's and the older couple's problems, Dr. Jenn suggests creating new habits, like weekly check-ins to discuss intimacy and topics they're working on as a couple.
What are the benefits to a holistic approach in talking about sexuality? There are many layers to human emotional logic, Dr. Jenn believes; delving into deeper aspects of a person's psyche allows you and others/your partner to better understand the beliefs and experiences that make you you.
How do you learn to boldly talk about sexuality in an open way? Look at it as a homework assignment, Dr. Jenn says, and agree each week to bring one new thing to your sex life. This will create a structure to make it less awkward and uncomfortable to talk about sex.

More about Dr. Jenn

Jennifer "Dr. Jenn" Gunsaullus, Ph.D., is a sociologist who works as a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, and a relationship and intimacy counselor. She specializes in helping women, couples, and groups deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and improve trust and self-expression. Dr. Jenn got her start in the sex and relationship field 19 years ago as a sexual health peer educator at Lehigh University in her home state of Pennsylvania. She now merges her practical training in sexual health and academic training in sociology with her passion for holistic health and mind/body/spirit perspectives.

Dr. Jenn is a frequent lecturer on relationship and intimacy topics. From wine bars to yoga studies, college classrooms to senior centers, and the LGBT community center to Mensa gatherings, Dr. Jenn offers unique and powerful presentations on healthy communication and fulfilling intimacy. She has also been an adjunct professor for courses including Human Sexuality, Women & Health, and Social Psychology. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a "Sex & Relationship Expert" for San Diego Fox 5 News and San Diego Living. In 2010 she was named one of San Diego Magazine's "Women Who Move the City." In addition, she sits on the Advisory Circle for the nonprofit Jeans 4 Justice, is the co-facilitator of the Old Town chapter of Good Ol’ Gals (networking group), runs an empowerment group called Professional Women in Holistic Health, and is on the Communications Leadership Team for the nonprofit donor's circle Women Give San Diego.

"In the Den with Dr. Jenn" is a video podcast show, hosted by Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, which challenges the status quo and boldly discusses sexuality outside the box. The existing over 150 sessions are available for free through this website, YouTube, and iTunes.

Dr. Jenn tackles the tough questions you have, and the questions you didn’t even know you had, through merging the physical, mental, emotional, social, spiritual, and political. The commentary and analysis will challenge you; the quirky creator and host, with a penchant for costumes and sexual fun facts, will keep you coming back for more. In the Den with Dr. Jenn is a delicious blend of contradictions – light and challenging, smart and silly, enlightening and playful. There is a lot to learn and enjoy about sex, health, and relationships at EVERY age! Find her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

Do you ever ask yourself, "Why am I having sex?" As women, we need to take more ownership and a bigger leadership role in our own sexuality. Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD, is here to tackle a very heavy subject of being sexually passive and women not owning their sexuality. Women are not solely here on Earth to be a tool for men. We have our own wants, needs and desires. It is time to tap into what those are and start having amazing sex, ladies! Dr. Jenn reports.

* * *

“In my sex life, I’ve just been a tool for men's masturbation.”

A woman in her mid-20s said this to me. She said that she and another female friend had realized this harsh reality about their sex lives. And they weren’t pleased with this realization.

What does this mean – “a masturbation tool for men”? To me, it means being sexually passive. It means women not knowing and owning their sexuality. It may mean men acting out what they’ve watched in porn… and women feeling like they are only there for men’s pleasure. It sounds like it’s based on fear, embarrassment, performance-focus, and disconnect.

What it doesn't mean is good sex. And for the woman I spoke to, it doesn’t mean self-respect. This unfortunately isn’t a simple topic to tackle, as it involves many layers of socialization, gender roles, fear, shame, culture, religion, assumptions, and miscommunication. I think it is complicated for both women and men.

What can you do if you find yourself in this passive “tool” role? Start by asking what you like or don’t like in sexual activity. If you don’t know, think about when you ever felt the most sexual excitement. Next, ask yourself why you have sex? Go beyond the obvious and consider more “uncomfortable” reasons, such as feeling validated, getting attention, obligation, or drunkenness. Another young woman shared with me that the main reason she had sex was because it was easier than saying no. This is pretty heavy. Do you think that your reasons for sex match with the reasons that your partners wanted sex? There’s likely a mismatch here.

Finally, take a big picture approach to determining how to move forward through this “tool” role, to one with more pleasure and ownership.

Consider each of the following five categories and how you’d like to grow in each, as connected to your sex life: physical, mental, emotional, social, and spiritual.

Every week, choose a different category and commit to exploring what you’ve written down. The most important component in this process is compassion for yourself.

Walking through these steps doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you; it just means that you’re open to growing and embracing this valuable process.

Check out the original post on Dr. Jenn's Den.

Being mindful of your sexuality and even your emotions benefits your personal development. Meditation is healing. Sex is also healing. So, why wouldn't they both help sexual trauma or difficulties? How about channeling that mindfulness into your sexuality? GetLusty advocate, sexologist and sex therapist, Dr. Jenn reports.

* * *

Boring sex? Pain during intercourse? Distracted in bed? Sex addiction? No desire to get it on? Is it possible that all these sexual concerns and sex problems could have the same remedy? Yes, and that remedy is the ancient Buddhist practice of mindfulness.

Mindfulness is an awareness skill of being present in the moment, with your thoughts, emotions, and sensations. It is noticing the present moment and – here’s the kicker – not judging what you notice. The health benefits of mindfulness are profound: stress reduction, decline in anxiety, depression relapse prevention, overcoming addiction, and reducing chronic pain, not to mention greater happiness and fulfillment in life.

Researchers are also delving into the sexual realm to see how mindfulness can improve sex lives. Although little research has been done so far, it seems to be beneficial for women with low desire, vulva pain, and emotional distress from past sexual trauma. There is anecdotal evidence that it is valuable for sex “addiction,” erectile dysfunctions, and boredom.

I’ve been integrating mindfulness-based practices into my sex therapy and couples counseling work for several years because I think it’s the foundation for all personal growth.

Do you freak out with jealousy if your boyfriend receives a text from another woman? Mindfulness can help break that automatic pattern. Are you distracted during sex by your bulging belly or your long to-do list? Mindfulness skills keep you grounded in the moment and release such mind chatter. Integrating little daily practices of mindfulness can make these big brain changes.

I have mindfulness on my brain more than usual this week, because I just went to a sex conference this weekend. Its not as sexually titillating as it may sound, but it will be intellectually titillating. At this 2012 annual conference for AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, & Therapists) in Austin, TX, I will be speaking on “Get Out of Your Head & Into Your Body: Improving Sex Lives Through Mindfulness.” My take home message for the audience? Mindfulness is the new sexy.

This was originally posted as part of Pacific San Diego Magazine's sex & love blog series. Check it out the Mindfullness post here.

Back in anal August, we talked a lot about butt sex. Regardless, anal sex questions remain. And, of course, here at GetLusty, we don't like to leave questions unanswered, so we had to get to the bottom of this issue. It's time. Down with bad butt sex. Maybe we're just feeling like super activists on the way to our SlutWalk Chicago Flash Dance Mob event this Saturday.

Either way, you might also have questions about giving your lovely lady partner butt love. Dr. Jenn is here to help. This is a guest post from Dr. Jennifer Gunsaullus, PH.D. Dr. Jenn is a sexuality and mindfulness speaker, as well as relationship and intimacy counselor.

* * *

Dear Dr. Jenn & GetLusty,

I think it’s hot to put a finger in a girl’s butt when we are having sex "doggy style." But it doesn’t always work and sometimes my girlfriend says it hurts. What can I do about this? How can I please my girlfriend better?

Thanks,
Wannabe Anal Master

Dear Anal Master,

Anal play has become more and more popular, so thanks for your great question. First, make sure your partner is interested in experimenting with anal play. If she’s not into it, she’s going to have a hell of a time relaxing, and will likely experience pain. I don’t advise trying to ‘sneak it in’ without explicitly asking permission.

If you’re both on the same page about this, then you’re embarking into a realm of heightened pleasure. A short anatomy lesson can be helpful here.

To enter the anus, you have to pass through two sets of anal sphincter muscles. The first set are voluntary muscles, which is why relaxation on the woman’s part is important.

She can put her attention on that external muscle area, and choose to relax those muscles. However, the second ring of muscles is a different story. These internal muscles are involuntary, which means you can’t think your way into releasing them. However, they do respond to gentle, direct pressure.

From your side, Anal Master, knowing how to navigate these muscle rings is important. Playing around the outside of the anus with a well-lubed finger can help the woman concentrate on that area and relax the first sphincter muscles.

Then, gently pressing on the anus for several seconds will release the second set of muscles and allow access inside. For some women who are tense and nervous about this, it may take more time.

Remember to start small, slow, and with a lot of lubricant (particularly a thicker lube made specifically for anal play). With a little preparation, patience, and knowledge, you can definitely become the Anal Master.

Be well,
Dr. Jenn

This Q & A was originally posted over at her blog, Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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