Gents! 5 Tips to Being Sexually Dominant

Has your partner asked for more domination in the bedroom? What better holiday gift than one of dominance? Now, if you're not sure whether this is exactly what your partner wants, do ask them – keep a constant and open communication.

With that, we've heard from ladies who want a dominant partner. We've heard from gents who want to be dominant, but they're afraid to hurt their partner. We get that. How lovely and nice of you. You should be proud that you're such a nice guy. No, seriously. But for now – if you've heard your partner ask you to dominate them, Portia Blush, our queen of dominance, has some ideas on how you can do just that.

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Being sexually dominated in the bedroom, although not a new fantasy by any means, is becoming less closeted. It's a more openly encouraged, erotic fantasy among women (think: Fifty Shades). More women are feeling safer about speaking out about their desire to dominated in the bedroom.

Maybe it's the popularity of books like Fifty Shades of Grey that are finally helping us feel comfortable and accepting of our own desires. Or maybe it's the readily accessible nature of sex-positive information on the internet. Whatever it is, we're asking for what we want. And what do we want? Well, it seems a lot of us want our partner to take sexual control of us!

Whether your girlfriend or wife just got finished reading Fifty Shades, or if it's been a long-time fantasy of hers, perhaps she has asked you to take the lead and be dominant in the bedroom. Now what?

Bringing this fantasy into fruition can be somewhat daunting, especially if you have no idea where to start. Here are 5 tips for learning how to be that dominant man your partner is lusting for!

#1 Talk, talk, and more talk

I know, you're probably thinking that talking things out will ruin the fantasy for her, but that is so not the case. You have to find out just what makes the fantasy so erotic for her for it to be effective. Communication is key to lubrication, I like to say! Is it just rougher, more animalistic sexual aggression she wants from you? Does she want to be tied up? Spanked over your knee? To be ordered about like a sex slave? Ask her what she finds erotic about being dominated by you, and you'll have the frame work you need to enjoy a whole new sexual adventure together!

#2 Feeling nervous? Try role play


It can be hard at first to try something new, or doesn't come naturally. You may have some reservations, or some inhibitions of your own, and find it difficult to trust your own instincts.

One of the best ways to help yourself through this is role-playing! Pretending to be someone else can help free you from the tape in your head that says, "I must be this way," and can allow you to let go and try something new. Be the Christian Grey she wants and she can be Anastasia. Be the teacher and she's the student, or maybe the cop, and she's the naughty law breaker! As En Vogue sang, "Free your mind, and the rest will follow."

#3 It's a two-way street

You have fantasies and desires too, as well as needs to be met just as your lovely lady wishing to submit does. Maybe there's something you want her to do for you. Perhaps you have wanted her to give you head in a specific way, or maybe you've thought about what it would be like to bend her over the dining room table and have your way with her from behind. Blending your desires with your lover's, in a harmonious way, will bring a symphony of erotic pleasure and fulfillment for the both of you. Power exchange is a dynamic in which we exchange power by giving our will to another, and that  can be a very sexy experience.

#4 Use your imagination

It’s very easy to get caught in the trappings of toys like ropes, paddles, and riding crops, and forget about the mental and emotional aspects of dominance and submission. Flex your mental muscles and use your imagination. Create an aura of dominance using just the way you move, speak (or don’t speak), and act. Look to characters from books and movies that you see as "dominant", or ask your partner who she thinks makes an incredibly sexy dominant male character! Find what inspires those feelings naturally in you, and make the role your own.

#5 Everyone loves toys

OK, so your partner really wants you to spank or paddle her – don't worry about spending a fortune on expensive toys right from the get-go. You don't need high-priced toys to have a good time. For spankings, everyone likes a god ole' fashioned, over-the-knee, bare-hand spanking. If you want to play around with different sensations, try the back side of a hairbrush, or a spatula! For more on spanking, check out Spanking 101.

No need to buy fancy restraints if you want to play with bondage! You can buy basic rope at your local hardware store or home improvement store, or try using silky scarves, too! You an also buy "bondage tape" for low-cost, which is a PVC tape that adheres to itself. It's cheap, easy to remove, and disposable too! Look around the home for potential tools – neck ties, scarves, and belts. Really, your imagination is the best toy you have, so play around and experiment! Most of all, have fun!

This is all a very basic starting point to begin your journey with. The best resource you have to discover your erotic map in playing with dominance and submission is each other. Find out what you both like, and what you'd like to try, and have fun discovering together. The possibilities are endless!

For questions on sexual dominance or submission, feel free to contact Portia via her blog! Also, e-mail reply@getlusty.com.

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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Bondage 101: What Every Beginner Needs to Know

We think about BDSM a lot. Analyzing the psychology of BDSM. Alternatively, bringing BDSM into bed. Why submissive skills are underrated and even the BDSM contract. But today we've got some special advice from our favorite, 'Queen of Kink', Portia Blush. Portia is back for a special episode on bondage. We like to mix things up in bed, so what better way of trying something new? How about bondage? Have you tried the art of bondage before? If not, Portia Blush is back to talk about bondage basics. Go ahead--get your kink on!

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Tis the season for giving and receiving! What better way to celebrate the spirit of the season, than by learning something new that both you and your lover can enjoy together! Dominance and submission is all about giving and receiving at the core of it's sensual and sexual exploration, and bondage is one of the most popular expressions of the gift of this power exchange. Here are 5 tips for the beginning bondage enthusiast to get you started, and inspire you for hours of play to come!

#1 Safety first

Safety is paramount in any kind of bondage play. Tying someone up, or using restraints on someone, involves a fair amount of risk. Don't do anything that is above your skill level. You need to understand the safety precautions you must take, as well as the signs to check for in case your submissive needs help. If you're using rope, make sure not to tie them too tight so as to cause lack of circulation. Make sure you check in regularly with your submissive to make sure they are not losing circulation; verbally, as well as by feeling hands and feet when wrists and ankles are restrained. If you're going to be using locking restraints such as locking cuffs or handcuffs, make sure you have the correct keys nearby and at the ready.

If you're doing rope bondage, make sure you have a pair of safety scissors on hand in case you need to cut your partner out in a hurry. You as the Dominant are in charge of the care and well-being of your partner's care. And, most importantly, never under any circumstances engage in any bondage play when you are under the influence f alcohol or drugs. A glass of wine in your system is fine, a bottle is not. You need to have a clear head, and be alert at all times. In addition, never leave your partner unattended for more than 30 seconds when they are restrained. Taking a bathroom break is ok, anything longer is not. Their safety is in your hands: respect it.

#2 Know thy tools

Knowledge is the most important tool in your tool box. Before you whip out the ropes and tie your lover to the bedpost, know what you're doing. First of all, it will give you confidence, and when you're the Dominant in the situation, confidence is a major factor in being effective in a scene. It's much sexier to be tied up by a person who knows what they're doing, than by someone is is very evidently fumbling. So, if you are into rope, learn how to tie knots safely and effectively.

While as a beginner you will be fine with the standard "I can tie my shoes" knot, there are knots you can learn for quick release, as well as ways of tying rope so that the knots won't slip and inadvertently tighten, causing a lack of circulation. Same goes for any restraint done with fabric too, like scarves or neckties. If you're into to using handcuffs, know how they work, and how to apply them safely, as well as how to remove them. Leashes, collars, cuffs, rope, and spreader bars are just the beginning! Explore, read, learn, and enjoy!

#3 Be creative!

You don't need to go out and buy a bunch of uber expensive scene gear to have a good time! Hardware stores and home improvement stores are your friends! You can find all sorts of fun things to do bondage play on the cheap, and yet, just as effectively as all the pricey scene sites. Want cotton rope? Metal d-ring clamps? Wooden dowels? Pallet wrap? Home Depot is your new best friend! Wooden dowels with an eye screw screwed into each end make great spreader bars! Pallet wrap is a fun item to use to wrap your partner to something, without needing to know how to tie knots! Or, think of what you have handy at home that you can use! Silk neckties, scarves, leather belts, are all readily available and affordable! Don't have a four poster bed, or even a bed with a frame? How about using a dining room chair! Use your imagination, and have fun!

#4 All tied up with no place to go, now what?

So you have your partner restrained. Now what? Have a purpose and a plan. Even if it's a loose one about what you envision for them while they are your captive. Do you want to be the cruel captor who plans to punish and use their new found captive for their own gratification, or are you the temptress; seducing and teasing their body with every sensual tool at your disposal? The fantasy you play out will largely depend upon what you have both negotiated as what want out of the scene. Bondage is about helplessness at it's core.

You can emphasize that in any way you choose. Play with their senses. Always keep them guessing. Once they're tied up, move methodically, keep changing directions. Add a blindfold into the mix to further instill that feeling of helplessness, and also to heighten their other senses. Touch: use your hands, your fingertips, your fingernails, ice cubes, feathers, warm massage oil, or whatever else you can think of to entice and enliven the skin's senses craving for more! Play music to help set the mood, or to mask the sound of your movements as you walk on the floor around them. Don't forget the seduction of their sense of taste. Food is incredibly sensual! Have an array of bite-sized pieces of fruit, chocolates, and syrups at the ready. Explore your partner's body like the gift it is.

#5 Communication is key

Lastly, it is just as much the Dominant's responsibility to communicate as it is the submissive's. The better you communicate before and during a scene, the better the experience will be for both of you. If you don't want to be tied with your hands behind you back, let your partner know beforehand. If something is uncomfortable, or you are losing circulation, don't be worried about breaking the mood to say so.

There is nothing sexy about losing the feeling in your limbs. I guarantee you that your partner wants you to enjoy yourself, just as much as you want your partner to enjoy tying you up! Also, if your partner's body has limits to it's flexibility or movements, make sure you take those into consideration when you devise your bondage scene. While bondage is about the helplessness of restraint, and the inherent discomfort that goes along with that, discomfort that hinders or hurts someones enjoyment of the full experience, or their physical safety, is never sexy.

Have fun, play safe, and play smart! For more information on bondage, or D/s, feel free to contact Portia Blush below!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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Why Submissive Skills Are Underrated

We're fans of kink. From the history of kink, to the psychology of BDSM, to skills around dominance. How about being submissive? Even though it's Dick & Dildo December, that doesn't mean you gents can hone your submissive skills! Ladies, you, too! Curious about being a submissive? Clarisse Thorn offers her perspective as a "BDSM Feminist" on why submissive skills are truly underrated. Wondering if you have what it takes to be a submissive? Read on.

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I write a lot about my experiences with BDSM — that’s a 6-for-4 acronym that covers Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. I have a fair amount of experience engaging in BDSM; I also have a fair amount of experience in the BDSM subculture. The subculture consists of meetup groups, educational workshops, dungeons where people practice BDSM, a set of well-reputed books and resources, Internet social networking sites, etc. The subculture also has its own norms and pitfalls.

Many BDSMers use the word “bottom” to refer to a masochist and/or submissive, and “top” to refer to a dominant and/or sadist. I am a switch, which means I feel comfortable in either the top or the bottom role. I haven’t observed every BDSM group in the world, but in my experience, one BDSM subculture pitfall is that we don’t explicitly teach very many “bottom skills”. In fact, a lot of the time, “bottom skills” aren’t even recognized as skills.

But bottom skills are totally the skillsiest skillz you can imagine. Let me start by describing my ex-boyfriend who was most in touch with his bottom side. When I met him, I was much less experienced than him at BDSM, and I was basically unaware of my top side. I think there are probably a lot more women than we think who would be up for being BDSM tops, but since cultural norms tell us that women aren’t dominant, lots of those women simply don’t recognize those feelings. My ex-boyfriend agrees, and as a result he’s specifically trained himself to surreptitiously draw out a woman’s dominant desires.

With me, he started by giving me the gift of his fear. We saw each other around the community a few times, and I guess he took note. Then one day, we were both at a BDSM meetup, and from nearby — while he was speaking to someone else — he remarked that I terrified him. He knew that I’d overhear.

I looked at him. He avoided my gaze. Eventually he worked his way around the crowd so he was actually speaking to me, and that was when he actually met my eyes and said directly to me, straightforward, in a charming and casual tone: “I’m terrified.”

Of course, this is vulnerability on a silver platter: it’s confident vulnerability. You scare me. Yet I’m still talking to you, even though I’m sure you could hurt me real bad. He was being so obvious, yet there were still so many tacit dimensions to what he was doing, and I had never quite seen anyone like him before. I was intrigued, and felt myself gain a predatory focus.

He was like that throughout our relationship. Throughout the flirting, throughout the BDSM encounters. He communicated very directly when there was a need for direct talking. But he also showed me so much of what to do. When I put my nails in certain places, he’d arch his body directly into them and groan. When I did something that was difficult for him, he’d get quieter and less responsive in an extremely obvious way while he dealt with it. He’s the only man I’ve ever seen who knew how to tip his head back for a kiss (he was also tall, so most women would have to be in very particular positions for this to work, ahem). A lot of this was instinctive, of course; many bottoms would recognize themselves in these tendencies … but he’d learned his own instinctive responses and fine-tuned them.

I want to make it clear here that I don’t want anyone to “perform” a type of sexuality that they don’t like; trust me, I know just how much a person can feel responsible for “acting out” their sexuality. I’ve been there. But that’s different from a person taking their own desires and reactions, and honing them for maximum communication power. That kind of thing takes experience and self-knowledge. Which is one of the things I value most about BDSM — the inner exploration it can enable. I just wish we taught about it better.

I definitely think the BDSM subculture is great at teaching certain topics: for example, how to perform certain activities safely. In major USA cities, there are often workshops on how to safely hit people with whips. Communication also gets a decent amount of airtime; for example, everyone in the community knows what a safeword is (indeed, a lot of people outside the community know about safewords, too). Sometimes, tops are even “judged” on their “dominant skill set”. But bottoms are usually seen as just being “along for the ride” — or are merely judged for “how far they’re willing to go”, which is even worse, because it discourages some bottoms from setting boundaries.

As a side note, here’s a pro tip on looking for tops. If you’re talking to a top who can’t stop bragging about how awesome and experienced they are, I advise you to walk away. Or perhaps I should merely say that I, personally, would walk away from that. My favorite, most respectful dominant partners have all had a hefty sense of humility and been very willing to learn — even if they were very experienced.

So why sub skillz got no respect? I think it’s partly because a lot of them are subtle and hard to see. In general, any “receptive” social role is going to get less credit in an interaction, because lots of people think that the “initiating” social role “does all the work” — but the truth is that the “initiating” social role simply does more visible work. You see this happening with mainstream gender roles, too; for example, some men complain about how women expect them to do “all the work”, like asking women out on dates. But the truth is that for any role played by one gender in the usual heterosexual mating dance, there is an opposing or matching role that takes its own kind of work. For every man who has trouble asking women out, there is a woman who has trouble appearing approachable … or who wants to ask men out but thinks that she will freak men out by doing so (and indeed, she might well be correct). Things are tough all over, baby.

Communication — any kind of communication — is not just explaining one’s desires out loud. There’s also a ton of non-verbal feedback and non-verbal reading that goes on. Everyone communicates, but because a lot of bottoms communicate primarily by responding, bottom communication is often invisible. There’s also a whole nother level of bottom communication sometimes achieved by people who are really good, which involves tacitly running the encounter from the bottom side. Like what my ex-boyfriend did in my anecdote above.

Other bottom skills have to do with bottoms monitoring their body and taking care of themselves. Some of this is physical. One thing I would absolutely love to see is a BDSM workshop on body chemistry: I’ve written about it and I try to keep an eye on how it works in my life, but I’ve literally never seen a class on the topic. My experience is that all kinds of things — from sleep to intoxicants to the quality and amount of food I’ve eaten — can drastically alter my experience of BDSM (and, for that matter, sex). But I’m not a nutritionist or a doctor, and although some things are obvious — like: it’s easier to take pain when I’ve had enough sleep — some things are not obvious at all.

And then there’s breath control. I am definitely a novice at this, but I’ve got the feeling that understanding how my breathing intersects with my pain tolerance could lead to a whole new level of BDSM. The one thing I’m sure of right now is that it’s easy to reflexively stop up my breathing when I’m in a lot of pain, or to breathe irregularly. But if I can force myself to breathe more regularly, then it gets easier. So the only advice I can offer bottoms here is for them, too, to watch their breathing and look for patterns.

Of course, taking care of oneself isn’t just physical; it’s mental and emotional too — setting boundaries and understanding oneself. It’s important for a bottom to know what they won’t do, will do … or what they want to do, but suspect will be complex and hard to deal with. In fairness, it is also important for tops to know these things about themselves, but the risks bottoms take tend to be more intense and direct than the ones tops take. Also in fairness, the BDSM community has developed some tactics for talking about this: for example, I often write about BDSM checklists, which list a huge array of BDSM activities and encourage people to rate their desire for and experience with those activities.

A lot of taking care of oneself involves a self-aware learning process. Calling a safeword is absolutely a skill, and it’s a skill that gets easier with practice; but sometimes I’m still not sure whether I actually want to safeword, and I’ve been doing BDSM fairly regularly for years. (For this reason, a lot of BDSMers use the “stoplight system”, whereby “red” means “stop definitely for real!” and “yellow” means “I’m not sure about this, but I don’t think I want to stop, so let’s slow down or switch activities”.) A lot of bottoms enter an altered state of consciousness we refer to as “subspace“; understanding how to navigate subspace is its own highly personal thing that deserves multiple stand-alone articles. Plus, I’ve learned a lot about which types of pain I like and dislike, but my tastes (like everyone’s) can and do evolve over time.

In short, processing intense sensations — and understanding where a person’s brain is at, and what they want even when they’re processing those sensations — is its own constellation of BDSM skills. Again, most relevant for bottoms, but also relevant for tops.

Originally posted at Clarisse Thorn's blog.



Clarisse Thorn is a feminist S&M writer who has lectured from Berlin to San Francisco, and written from The Guardian to Jezebel. She wrote a book about men, dating, and sex called Confessions of a Pickup Artist Chaser; she's also got a best-of collection called The S&M Feminist. She's always writing something new, so check out her list of books.

Find her on Twitter @clarissethorn and Facebook.

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Erotic Spanking: 9 Ways to Make it Hotter (NSFW)

If you read the first part of this series, Erotic Spanking: Positions and Toys, you've got a great idea about where to start your erotic spanking adventure! Do you want to take it a step further? In this second installment Rachel will explain different ways to build up the excitement with spanking-related foreplay, what kind of clothing works best or looks sexiest, and some great examples of different sexy scenarios to act out with your spanking! 

Remember, always get consent before introducing erotic play like spanking into your bedroom repertoire. As always we recommend you check out our negotiation 101 article before jumping to any kind of new sexy scenario. Our amazing Rachel Colias reports.

Foreplay

While spanking can be considered foreplay in itself, there are quite a few ways to really get the blood flowing before the spanking begins. Believe it or not there are people out there who can orgasm solely from the spanking, so we want to help prolong the excitement!

#1 Rub before you spank!  

Rubbing the spankee’s buttocks, generally causing a warm sensation and sometimes a pink coloring of the skin being rubbed, can be a great precursor to the spanking. If the spankee doesn’t want to be warned about when the spanking will begin, this is also a great way to really build the tension and excitement. At what point is the rubbing going to turn into spanking?

#2 Remove their clothes slowly

If you’re anything like me, the slow removing of a person’s clothes is just as exciting as any physical foreplay. If the spankee is wearing a skirt or dress over panties, it could be incredibly pleasurable for the spanker to lift, move, or remove the clothes themselves while the spankee is in position. It’s just as exciting as unwrapping a present!

#3 Dirty talk

If you’re participating in the spanking as part of a role play, talking dirty or setting the scene is a great way to start! But more on role play scenarios later.

#4 Give them a hand job or some head! 

Considering how close the spanker already is to the spankee’s genitals, why not warm-up the old-fashioned way? Rubbing the clitoris of a female-bodied person or introducing a dildo or vibrator can be an incredibly arousing way to prepare them for the spanking. Some may even want to orgasm beforehand! The same goes for male-bodied people; a lube-based hand job or performing fellatio is a great way to get started.

Costumes

The following costumes can be used for almost any sexual scenario or act, but have specific attributes that make them especially appropriate for spanking!

#5 Leather and spandex

As one would imagine, kink and BDSM culture play a part in erotic spanking. Outfits made from leather and latex are great for spanking, especially considering how tight they usually are. The tightness can allow for great over-the-clothes spanking and the materials resemble the toys themselves!

#6 Chaps

Anything with an open backside! That includes leather assless chaps and what’s considered “spanking skirts.” These skirts, as you can imagine, strap around the waist and thighs leaving the backside exposed. Dresses and standard skirts are great, too, when it comes to easy access.

#7 Sexy undies 

Considering what body part is being put on display for a spanking, any sort of sexy underwear-crotchless panties, ruffled panties, lace panties, thongs, etc-works just fine! The important thing to remember is to really show off your assets! Pun intended.

As I’ll outline soon, costumes relating to role play scenarios really heat things up too.

Role Play

Anyone who has ever experimented with role play or tried acting out fantasies knows how much fun they can be. The brain is one of your most erogenous zones and when you include that fantasy aspect with sex, well, it’s insanely amazing. And believe me, there are some great fantasies out there for you spankophiles!

#8 Dominance/submission

The dominant/submissive is great for spanking considering the power structure and exchange. With consent, of course, the spanker is in an incredibly dominant position while being bent over or restrained is incredibly fun for a submissive.

#9 Discipline 

Have you been bad? You deserve a spanking! Discipline is so much fun to play around with because there are so many potential scenarios!

A. You’re being sent to the principal

B. You’ve misbehaved at Catholic school

C. You were pulled over by a police officer and they just have to handcuff you

D. You’re being punished for orgasming before your dominant gave you permission

E. You broke one of “Daddy’s” rules

The possibilities are endless! But remember, you “deserve” the punishment.

Erotic spanking is great for so many reasons. Whether you’re a full-blown spankophile or have always wanted to give it a try, the levels of spanking range all over the pain-spectrum and the situation can always be adjusted for your and your partner’s comfort. If anything I’ve outlined get’s you a little hot and heavy, you should definitely give it a try!

This article was written by Rachel Colias. She’s currently getting her bachelors in English and Women’s and Gender studies and feels especially passionate about advocating for the importance of consent and communication.

Her hobbies include shopping for new vibrators, playing roller derby, and getting tattoos her mom doesn’t approve of. When she’s not writing for GetLusty or doing homework, she’s playing with her bearded dragon Terrance and you can generally find her reading comic books with her loving boyfriend of six years or eating pizza and watching Netflix. You can find and follow her Tumblr blog here! Have any questions? Email her at editorial@getlusty.com!

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Finding Your Limits as a Submissive (NSFW)

So Fifty Shades of Grey September is over, BDSM and power play relationships are still on our mind. If you consider these kind of scenes or play, what can you expect? Lilly, an experienced sub says, "It's not all about head."

Lilly writes almost completely about giving oral sex as a submissive in this article, though you could also use its lessons in other areas of saying no as a submissive. You don't even have to be a submissive to understand the importance of finding and sticking to your boundaries. This is important for all long-term relationships. Lilly Rose reports.

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Now fellow submissives, newbies, or curious ones, being a sub is not all about giving oral sex to dominants. Many newbie doms or bad doms focus on the necessary component of oral sex exclusively. Now, maybe you love giving head. You would do it all day. You can deep throat for hours without gagging or getting tired. Kudos to your skills and interests. However, a dom is about being much more than a guy with a raging hard-on that needs to be in your mouth.

Re-claim your sexual identity through BDSM

Remember that BDSM can be at it's best when it involves re-claiming or claiming your sexuality. So, if you don't feel like giving your dom five blow jobs a day, you don't have to. A good dom has a wide reportoire of play that he can choose from. Together he and his sub can endulge in their every whim, with or without head. Some doms get focused on their cock in your mouth. They watch BDSM, kink or straight porn and think: a sub will give me head all the time with no arguments! Eureka! I've found the fountain of bliss! Or they might pressure you into thinking you are not a true sub if you don't give unlimited head to your dom when he demands it. Come on! Do you really think that is all BDSM is about? A true dom works his way into your mind as well as your mouth. He wants to know what you like and desire. And it is not a wrong answer if you do not respond, "O' Sir, giving you head 24/7."

Now, some doms may not tell you that oral sex is their one true desire. But it so happens that as you two get on you begin to realize that you are set on blowjobs.

The difference between pleasure and manipulation

A dom, a new or bad one, may use subtle manipulation to get what he wants. And, let's face it, all people --straight or kinky are capable of doing this. So he may look at you disapprovingly or withdraw affection. He or they may become silent and taciturn and being the natural "pleasers" that some subs are he is counting on your caving in and doing something that you really don't want to do. Snap out of it! Why are you doing it? A true dom does not want a sub that does not enjoy being submissive. If you are not enjoying that blow job eventually he is going to get the point and yes maybe it is better to move on and find a dom with different preferences.

Remember that you have a right to not want to do certain acts.

That is why hard and soft limits exist. A dom who tells you that a subs only duty is to please him is well...not a very good dom. Because let's face it, when a dom is giving you a lot of different and intense orgasms, he is pleasing you. And you wouldn't want to take advantage of his kindness.

In just the same way, a good dom does not take advantage of the generosity of a sub. If you want to give your dom blow jobs because he makes you very happy, that is another issue entirely. However, if all your dom seems to want is blow jobs...and that is making you uncomfortable, best to move on right away before you two get closer. Quite frankly, it makes me sad when I see sub/dom pics or stories overly focused on the oral sex component of a BDSM relationship. There is so much more to the bond between a sub and dom than that. In fact, good sub/dom training involves a component of teasing and denial and when it is properly done, you are going to want to please him like nobody's business. He will not have to force you.

Pleasure for both, not just the dominant

Being a sub and a dom is a match that gives pleasure to both individuals. This is something a new sub sometimes gets confused about. A masochist is supposed to suffer right? A sub is supposed to focus on pleasing others right? Well, yes and no. Yes, subs can be pleasers who enjoy making others happy and serving others. No, we don't like being taken advantage of and used with no pleasure or appreciation as a reward. Is your dom focusing on your needs? Or is it all about him? Does he let you know he appreciates you? How does he do that? Are you having pleasurable orgasms? Are you too caught up in what he wants to even know if you are or are not? Hmm, the latter doesn't sound too good right? Well then, if it doesn't sound right it probably isn't.

I have switched (from sub to dominatrix) and topped (dominated) subs to feel what it is like to be a domme. It was part of my own personal choice in my training. And while some subs were pain junkies who loved me whipping the crap out of them or humiliating them in fantasy role play, I was not comfortable with all that they wanted. When they found out, the thrill was gone. A sub does not want a dom who does not enjoy their job and vice versa. A dom does not want a sub who isn't into her duties. So the answer is to pick the right match. If I choose to be a domme, I want my sub to enjoy painting my toes or pleasing me. All sub/dom and dom/sub relationships are a give and take. All of these relationships involve mutual admiration.

On that note: May all your kinky fantasies come true! Be safe and happy at all times and your orgasm quotia will rise with a happy dom/sub relationship ensuing as a result.

This was originally posted at Lilly's Submissive World.

Lilly Rose is a sex blogger, writer, poet, feminist, sometimes comical, sometimes serious geeky Ivy League Graduate, and newbie submissive to the world of BDSM. She writes about her journey as a submissive on a blog called Lilly's Submissive World. Her work has been posted on Evolvedworld, XXX match, mindchaotica. Her non-fiction and fictional works can be found on Literotica and RSVPEroctica.

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How-to: Erotic Humiliation 101

There are so many different kinds of BDSM. 50 Shades of Grey inspired us all to think about kink in a different light. So how about the practical sides of this. Why might you be interested in erotic humiliation and exactly what does this entail? Technogeisha has been thinking about kink and erotic humiliation for some time. She enjoys being humiliated, and explains why in this article. Technogeisha reports.

Again, please make sure you're communicating with your lover throughout this process. Please read our sexual negotiation article, as well as traits of a submissive and traits of a dominant.

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There’s been lots of talk about kink during Shades of Grey September. Recently, I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

OK, It's an uncomfortable topic

In the realm of BDSM, humiliation can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian.

Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced dominant, I only come close to the edge, but not over it. What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

Separate sex from "real life"

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do.

Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter.

I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

What is erotic humiliation? 

At its core, erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing.

Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about. Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The dominant, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

The 2 kinds of erotic humiliation

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms.

#1 Verbal

Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.


#2 Physical

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Negotiation, negotiation, negotiation

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

Don't forget about aftercare

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the dominant/ top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other.

Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the dominant what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual.

Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward. We'll talk more extensively about aftercare soon. For now, just make sure you again tell each other how much you care about each other and be extra-specialy-nice.

Let's not analyze

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish.

Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

Don't be afraid to negotiate & experiment gently

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin. If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner.

Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration. You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons (which we'll talk about). Humiliation is different things to different people. It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you.

Originally posted on Live on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Find her on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and on Twitter as @Technogeisha.

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FemDom Series #2: Intro to Cuckolding

It's still Fifty Shades of Grey September! So we get to talk about dominance, "FemDom" or Female Domination as a duality in BDSM play. Just like it's title, the female takes on the Dominant role, and the male, the submissive. On the outside, this relationship is very similar to other relationship gender configurations in BDSM coupling. On the inside however, there are a few areas of play and fetish which are uniquely intrinsic to this particular dynamic. Last week in FemDom Series #1, Portia waxed enthusiastically about the erotic joys of Forced Feminization in FemDom play.

This week we're continuing our exploration in this boundlessly sexy realm with another fetish unique to this dynamic; Cuckolding. This scene involves three people, which will also take a lot of talking. Even if it's just a fantasy at this point, review & learn.

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Talk, talk, talk

I want to remind you all, before we go too deeply here, that all of the play in BDSM that I speak of is consensual. The key to healthy sexual expression is that everyone participating is a consenting adult. At the core of this fetish, as with many others in BDSM, the submissive has already given their permission to the dominant, although from the outside looking in it may seem otherwise. Before engaging in any of these activities with your partner, I suggest reading Negotiation 101.

What is Cuckolding?  

Cuckolding is a fetish in which the submissive male gets off sexually on the humiliation of watching his Mistress pleasured by other men. Sometimes, it does not even have to include watching, and can come (pun intended) from just knowing they are being pleased by others. It is unique to FemDom relationships in that, primarily, this fetish subculture centers around the female as Dominant, and the male as submissive.

Unlike most masochistic play in BDSM where the submissive gets off on physical pain, Cuckolds, or "cucks", are aroused by the psychological pain of humiliation.

It's an intensely cerebral fetish. It is a literal "mind fuck"; requiring a level of intellectual cunning that goes beyond the skill of wielding of a crop or a flogger. In addition to the voyeuristic component of Cuckolding, the humiliation aspect is paramount to the submissive. They want to be told, and shown, that they are not worthy to please their Mistress sexually, that another man/woman is better, more deserving, and more desirous than he will ever hope to be. The mental anguish they suffer caused by their Mistress is akin to the pleasure of her physical touch.

What's Mine is Mine, and What's Yours is Mine

Inside this fetish are some interesting facets of play that may, or may not, be part of the relationship negotiated. Orgasm control, orgasm denial, and forced chastity are often part of Cuckolding. All of these techniques are used for two specific reasons. One, to remind the submissive that his body, and all of it's pleasures, belongs to the FemDom alone, and two, to further his humiliation. A FemDom may limit how and when the submissive is allowed to orgasm, let alone touch himself sexually. She may also withhold this as either a form of punishment, or training, depending on the relationship dynamics. The pleasure he receives from being her "cuck" should be all he desires.

Mocking of his cock size, lack of masculinity to her liking, and of his utter lack of skill are all part of this. His humiliation is carried out in the reinforcement of these notions. In some cases, total celibacy through forced chastity may be required of the submissive. To ensure his chastity, some FemDoms will require their submissive to wear a chastity device to keep his cock under lock and key, literally. Only she gets to decide when, where, and how her property gets used, and this device serves as a reminder. I hate it when people play with my toys without my permission, don't you?

A Word On "Felching"

His pathetic cock might not be worthy to please you, but that worthless cuck is good for something! Put him to work and avoid the messy hassles of clean-up. Some FemDoms, after allowing their submissive the pleasure of hearing, knowing, or watching a real man please her, will give her cuck the gift of cleaning her up after sex.

This is done by eating her out, and sucking all the other man's cum out of her vagina. In fetish circles this is known as "Felching". The degradation provided by this is a thrill for the cuck. He feels useful in knowing that, while he is not only not worthy of her, he can clean up after the man who is. He is rewarded the pleasure of servitude, and of the debasement at her discretion. That truly is the gift that keeps on giving!

Sometimes, such a pleasure is not allowed the submissive. No need to forgo the fun! Consider giving that cuck a cum facial instead. Some FemDoms will save the used cum-filled condoms from their chosen desirable partners, and empty them on the face of their cuck, giving him a "facial" with the more worthy partner's cum. Equally humiliating, and creative. You may also choose to empty it onto a small plate for him to lick clean as you watch. It really is up to your own personal devious taste. Oh, the puns!

As Always, Safety First!

Although the activities I described involve higher-risk behavior in terms of STI (sexually transmitted infection), they have often been a common practice within Cuckolding. If you engage in these, it's important to know, and trust, the sexual health status of all parties involved. This is care for you, as well as your submissive's health and well-being.

Humiliation play of any kind of a delicate sword that must be wielded with precision and care. It's important to really know and trust your partner well, the more intensely involved your relationship dynamic is. Your not only playing with someones body, but with the intimate and vulnerable corners of their psyche. A bruise from a misplaced flogger is easy to see and goes away after a few weeks, while a psychological bruise is invisible and can be devastatingly long-lasting. Trust and knowledge of your partner is imperative before engaging to this depth. Remember humiliation during a negotiate scene is wonderful, while humiliation after a scene has ended is irresponsible and damaging to one's trust.

Care for your submissive's safety, both physical and emotional. during and after scene, are key. Depending on the structure of your relationship, whether scene by scene, or 24/7 TPE (Total Power Exchange), aftercare will vary greatly. Aftercare can vary from "cuddling" to "clean up and let me alone for awhile". Talk about what both you, and your submissive need after scene, just as much as what you need during.

While Cuckolding in FemDom relationships may be for some, it's not for all. It can be an intensely erotic form of play. Whatever you decide: have fun! If you're not enjoying yourselves, than what's the point? Live juicy my fellow sexplorers! Have more questions about Cuckolding? Contact Portia Blush below for more information!

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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