Finding Your Limits as a Submissive (NSFW)

So Fifty Shades of Grey September is over, BDSM and power play relationships are still on our mind. If you consider these kind of scenes or play, what can you expect? Lilly, an experienced sub says, "It's not all about head."

Lilly writes almost completely about giving oral sex as a submissive in this article, though you could also use its lessons in other areas of saying no as a submissive. You don't even have to be a submissive to understand the importance of finding and sticking to your boundaries. This is important for all long-term relationships. Lilly Rose reports.

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Now fellow submissives, newbies, or curious ones, being a sub is not all about giving oral sex to dominants. Many newbie doms or bad doms focus on the necessary component of oral sex exclusively. Now, maybe you love giving head. You would do it all day. You can deep throat for hours without gagging or getting tired. Kudos to your skills and interests. However, a dom is about being much more than a guy with a raging hard-on that needs to be in your mouth.

Re-claim your sexual identity through BDSM

Remember that BDSM can be at it's best when it involves re-claiming or claiming your sexuality. So, if you don't feel like giving your dom five blow jobs a day, you don't have to. A good dom has a wide reportoire of play that he can choose from. Together he and his sub can endulge in their every whim, with or without head. Some doms get focused on their cock in your mouth. They watch BDSM, kink or straight porn and think: a sub will give me head all the time with no arguments! Eureka! I've found the fountain of bliss! Or they might pressure you into thinking you are not a true sub if you don't give unlimited head to your dom when he demands it. Come on! Do you really think that is all BDSM is about? A true dom works his way into your mind as well as your mouth. He wants to know what you like and desire. And it is not a wrong answer if you do not respond, "O' Sir, giving you head 24/7."

Now, some doms may not tell you that oral sex is their one true desire. But it so happens that as you two get on you begin to realize that you are set on blowjobs.

The difference between pleasure and manipulation

A dom, a new or bad one, may use subtle manipulation to get what he wants. And, let's face it, all people --straight or kinky are capable of doing this. So he may look at you disapprovingly or withdraw affection. He or they may become silent and taciturn and being the natural "pleasers" that some subs are he is counting on your caving in and doing something that you really don't want to do. Snap out of it! Why are you doing it? A true dom does not want a sub that does not enjoy being submissive. If you are not enjoying that blow job eventually he is going to get the point and yes maybe it is better to move on and find a dom with different preferences.

Remember that you have a right to not want to do certain acts.

That is why hard and soft limits exist. A dom who tells you that a subs only duty is to please him is well...not a very good dom. Because let's face it, when a dom is giving you a lot of different and intense orgasms, he is pleasing you. And you wouldn't want to take advantage of his kindness.

In just the same way, a good dom does not take advantage of the generosity of a sub. If you want to give your dom blow jobs because he makes you very happy, that is another issue entirely. However, if all your dom seems to want is blow jobs...and that is making you uncomfortable, best to move on right away before you two get closer. Quite frankly, it makes me sad when I see sub/dom pics or stories overly focused on the oral sex component of a BDSM relationship. There is so much more to the bond between a sub and dom than that. In fact, good sub/dom training involves a component of teasing and denial and when it is properly done, you are going to want to please him like nobody's business. He will not have to force you.

Pleasure for both, not just the dominant

Being a sub and a dom is a match that gives pleasure to both individuals. This is something a new sub sometimes gets confused about. A masochist is supposed to suffer right? A sub is supposed to focus on pleasing others right? Well, yes and no. Yes, subs can be pleasers who enjoy making others happy and serving others. No, we don't like being taken advantage of and used with no pleasure or appreciation as a reward. Is your dom focusing on your needs? Or is it all about him? Does he let you know he appreciates you? How does he do that? Are you having pleasurable orgasms? Are you too caught up in what he wants to even know if you are or are not? Hmm, the latter doesn't sound too good right? Well then, if it doesn't sound right it probably isn't.

I have switched (from sub to dominatrix) and topped (dominated) subs to feel what it is like to be a domme. It was part of my own personal choice in my training. And while some subs were pain junkies who loved me whipping the crap out of them or humiliating them in fantasy role play, I was not comfortable with all that they wanted. When they found out, the thrill was gone. A sub does not want a dom who does not enjoy their job and vice versa. A dom does not want a sub who isn't into her duties. So the answer is to pick the right match. If I choose to be a domme, I want my sub to enjoy painting my toes or pleasing me. All sub/dom and dom/sub relationships are a give and take. All of these relationships involve mutual admiration.

On that note: May all your kinky fantasies come true! Be safe and happy at all times and your orgasm quotia will rise with a happy dom/sub relationship ensuing as a result.

This was originally posted at Lilly's Submissive World.

Lilly Rose is a sex blogger, writer, poet, feminist, sometimes comical, sometimes serious geeky Ivy League Graduate, and newbie submissive to the world of BDSM. She writes about her journey as a submissive on a blog called Lilly's Submissive World. Her work has been posted on Evolvedworld, XXX match, mindchaotica. Her non-fiction and fictional works can be found on Literotica and RSVPEroctica.