Tantra 101: 15 Minutes to Amazing Tantric Sex

Are you ready for some intense Tantric sex? So are we, but first thing's first. If you're going to start learning about Tantra, you'll need to know how to condition your mind. Tantric sex is about finding a oneness with your lover, and the universe. This isn't something you can just jump into. You must make your two souls one, and learn to communicate on a level beyond human language. Still game? Alright then! Janelle and Rob Alex show us a quick and easy exercise that will bring you one step closer to Tantric sex.

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Taking your sex life to a higher and deeper level simultaneously through Tantric practices begins outside of the sexual act. It really is about fully blending the masculine and feminine within you – your Shiva and Shakti as well as blending your soul with your lover’s. When you can come together and are no longer aware of where you end and your lover begins, then you can experience Mahamudra, or a total blending with the Universe as a whole. Yes, you will still be able to tell your physical bodies apart from one another, but the sensation of melding your soul with your lover’s soul and even on a Universal level in which you sense a blending with All is an orgasmic experience that is like no other. But how can you move toward this potential?

It doesn’t have to take vast amounts of sexual experience or a deep spiritual practice to open the doors to these new levels. Such things can be beneficial, but are not absolutely necessary. We are about to share with you a few things you can do that will take no more than 15 minutes – unless, of course, you choose to spend more time on them.

Before we share them, it is vitally important for you to understand that as you go into these exercises that you have no set goal in mind. Be open to accepting whatever experience you have as the one you are meant to have. It does not need to be like someone else’s. It is your experience. Just as no two of us are identical, no two of our experiences should be expected to be identical either. Furthermore, the experience you have on one occasion may be quite different from the experience you have at a different time or in a different place. Do not expect sex, orgasm, or spectacular fireworks. Just remain open to what comes through for you. Do not expect anything of your partner either. Place attention on your lover, but with no expectations. Open your heart and soul and just be.

Set time aside

The first step is to set 15 minutes aside for the two of you to focus on one another. Practice the following exercises/activites and willingly let your guard down. Remember to focus on yourself during this time, too.

Create a safe and sacred space

This can be as simple as dimming the lights, lighting candles or a fire in the fireplace. You may choose to play music softly in the background (music you both enjoy – with or without lyrics, sounds of nature, tribal beats, etc.). Lay a soft blanket on the floor or join one another in the center of your bed. Surround yourself only with things that support the two of you. Take down any pictures and put away any items that bother you in any way. Remove any clutter from the area.

Yab Yum

One partner will sit cross-legged while the other partner will sit facing him/her. The second partner will wrap his/her legs around the first partner’s waist. This yab yum position will place you face-to-face. If this is uncomfortable for you, adjust accordingly. Perhaps crossing your legs isn’t comfy or sitting on your lover that way doesn’t work for you. Change it. You can also sit in two chairs facing one another – close enough for your knees to touch or even close enough so that you place your feet in between your lover’s. If you can, wrap your arms around each other. Otherwise, hold hands. Place your foreheads together (the third eye kiss) and just breathe. Remain like this for 3-5 minutes. Simply hold this gentle, quiet space for each other. Notice your lover’s breathing. Notice your own. Pay attention to the way he/she feels as you are touching. Then notice how you feel physically and emotionally. If outside things pop into your head – work, kids, the dog – just acknowledge them and then return your focus to the moment.

Honoring through your kiss

You can remain in this position or you can shift. Again, this is about he two of you and your experience. Spend the next 3-5 minutes kissing your sweetheart. These kisses do not need to be hot and sexy. They can be gentle and sweet. They don’t have to be open-mouthed or even have to be on the lips, though know that the heart is literally connected to the tongue physically, as well as spiritually. Take turns kissing one another. Allow your kisses to reflect how you feel about him/her, how you want to treat him/her, and how you feel. Communicate through this affectionate display how you want to treat your relationship overall.

Communication via eye gaze and touch

While you are either in yab yum or simply facing each other, look into your partner’s eyes. We often get so busy that we forget to do this, and I am not even talking about forgetting or overlooking the deep long look, but we can easily just barely make eye contact at all. Looking into your lover’s eyes helps connect the two of you. Sometimes, especially if you haven’t done this for a while, gazing directly into his/her eyes for a couple of minutes can feel like a staring contest. If it makes you uncomfortable, just start out with what works for you. Gaze lovingly into your sweetie’s eyes until you feel the need to look elsewhere. Then shift your gaze, roaming your eyes over his/her body. Take notice of every inch – ears, cheeks, lips, nose, hair, shoulders, neck, etc.. You can also trail your fingers along as you move your gaze along the body. When you are ready, look into the eyes again, even if your partner is not looking into your eyes. Eventually, your gaze will draw his/hers back to you. Continue to move through this experience together for 3-5 minutes.

See how easy it can be to move into a different space with your lover? If you can dedicate to trying these activities a couple of times each week (or even just once a week to start), you will begin to notice a transformation in your relationship. This doesn’t have to be complicated, and remember to let your expectations go. Let it be what it is for the two of you.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacret and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Sexy Challenges.

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5 Simple Ways to Make More Love (vs. Just Sex)

Do you ever find yourself just having sex? Making love seems so far away. You may be slightly frustrated, but there are many simple ways to get back on track. In fact, making more love can be a relatively simple process. As Drs. Janelle and Rob Alex know, there are many ways to be sensual (versus just sexual) during your next sex session. And even focusing on making sex more sensual seems to bring some questions up. Including, what about making love? Want to make more love? Read on!

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If you are just experiencing the physical actions. The bump and grind. The sweating and huffing and puffing, you and your partner are truly depriving yourselves of the amazing gifts that you can share when you make love versus just having sex. Sure, there can be a good release from the pressures of work and life in general if you reach climax. But the benefits of the physical act are brief compared to what can be gained from opening your heart and experiencing your intimate activity with your emotions, too. And, even if you didn’t plan on it, when you open the heart you are given the chance to connect with your souls too.

Does your relationship seems to be in a good place except you feel like your sex life is suffering a bit? Then bringing the following suggestions into your love life can greatly enhance the lovemaking and move your good emotional relationship to a deeper level. If you are emotionally disconnected from your lover, then the following tips may be a start to reconnecting. But there may be much more work that needs to be done. There is no magic cure. Yes, there are love potions and spells and you can absolutely learn to direct your sexual energy towards manifesting all that you want in your life. But, it is vitally important that you understand that our closest relationships are opportunities for personal growth as well as spiritual growth. Want some simple ways to make more love?

#1 Quality vs. quantity

Being physically intimate with your lover can transform your life physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. When you enjoy great lovemaking you receive fantastic benefits. And, though we suggest you make love at least two to three times a week that may not fit into your lifestyle. What is even more important is the quality of each lovemaking session. Jumping between the sheets and bouncing up and down for five minutes to make sure you do it often enough will, in our opinion, bring more negative energy into your relationship than the closeness and deep bond most people desire. Take into account the rest of the suggestions in this article and make more love.

#2 Let down your guard

Becoming naked with another person. Allowing yourself to let go and reach climax let alone experience multiple orgasms makes you vulnerable. Few people realize there is great power in understanding and opening to your vulnerability. When you allow yourself to be truly vulnerable with your loving partner you can reach much higher states of erotic ecstasy. The fact, is that at some point in your physical intimacy not only you, but your sweetheart has or will encounter the sense of being vulnerable. We highly suggest that you let your guard down with one another.

Trust in each other and open to the possibilities of what that can offer the two of you. As we mentioned above, this does not necessarily just happen because you want it to. There is no off/on switch. You need to have good, loving, open communication with your partner and you need to create a safe and sacred space to make love. Letting your guard down emotionally with one another outside the bedroom will increase your chances of doing so within your lovemaking.

#3 Let go of expectations

Consider what you want out of your sex life with your partner. What do you expect to happen when the two of you get physical? Once you have sat with this question and pondered it and believe you have a pretty good idea of what you expect, we want you to let those expectations go. What your body wants, what your soul seeks, how easily sexual energy will flow through you is not the same day after day. This is true for your lover as well.

Therefore, having certain expectations going in can leave you seriously disappointed when the physical act is over. Do not make it your lover’s responsibility to pleasure you. Instead, take responsibility for your own pleasure while also holding yourself responsible for doing your best to bring your lover pleasure. Communication is key here too. Be aware of what is happening in the moment and respond to that for yourself and for your sweetheart.

#4 Be playful

Bring laughter and teasing and silliness into your relationship – inside and outside of your bedroom. Joke around, allow your goofy little inner child to come out and play. Forget the pressures of life for a bit, and share the special bond of friendship with your lover. You can even change your wording around sex. Instead of calling it “sex” or “lovemaking” or any number of other things from “doing the nasty” to “getting busy” call this fun and special time “intimate play”. You don’t always have to call it that. But changing the wording now and again offers you a different view of it. Also, it offers a chance to honor this time together and a chance to express your love in a unique way.

#5 Input = output

When you tap certain letters on your keyboard you probably expect certain words to show up on the screen. Of course, there are often times when you need to backspace and correct a typo. Why is that? Well, because what you typed in is what is going to show up. The knowledge you have, the skill you have in typing and spelling and grammar is going to dictate what happens upon your screen. Well, guess what? You can only offer the amount of love and compassion and excitement for your lover that you already have for yourself.

This is a big concept for a lot of people, but it is true. If you don’t feel worthy of love or pleasure, if you don’t have compassion for yourself, or if you don’t have a sense of excitement around your own life, then you cannot offer these things to your lover. At least, not beyond the depth of which you can do for yourself. This final suggestion to making move love and moving past just having sex means you have to start with yourself.

How much do you love yourself? (Emotionally. This is not about masturbation, though that is another suggestion for another time.) Can you feel compassion for you when you make mistakes, when you are suffering, when you look at your faults? Are you aware of your unique abilities and the great gifts you have to share with the world? Can you be excited about whom you are and what you have to give? Loving yourself more fully opens the door to loving your partner more fully and this will show up in your lovemaking and when you turn it into intimate play.

Bonus tip!

Recognize that making more love isn’t just about foreplay, sex toys, oral sex or intercourse. It is about touching your lover’s arm or back when you are in the kitchen or in public. It is about holding hands like you likely did when you first dated. It is about eye contact. There is a great deal of communication that the two of you can share without ever uttering a word during the normal day-to-day activities. Making love is about sharing a journey – the journey of your lives as well as the possible unique spiritual journey you may experience while engaging in your sexual activity.

You can honor each other during lovemaking. It is important that you do, but you can also honor each other and your partnership in an infinite number of ways that have nothing to do with sex. (*And, this will most likely not only deepen the quality, but it will likely increase the quantity, too!)

Any comments or questions? Feel free to comment below!



Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

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3 Ways to Use Sacred Sex for Healing

Let's face it, lusty readers, our country was founded by puritans. Even today, sexuality is looked at by most with a negative stigma. Many couples are burdened with boring sex because we believe sexuality is just plan bad. It doesn't have to be that way. As our friend Devi Ward has noted before, sexual shame can happen to everyone. Whether you've dealt with big or small stressers to your sexuality, sexual healing isn't just for Marvin Gaye. Sacred Sexuality Experts and Teachers Drs. Janelle and Rob Alex sheds some light on Sacred Sex, and it's healing potential.

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American culture has a fairly negative attitude around sex in general. There is also a great chasm between sex and spirituality. Many believe it is a dirty and sinful act. What is the expression – “sins of the flesh”? Therefore, we are often told not to have sex unless we are married and even then there are those who believe it should be done hurriedly just to get it over with or maybe only done with the goal being to procreate.

Sex is a time when we are most vulnerable – physically and emotionally. Yet, it is also a time that we can become most open spiritually. You can pierce the veil between the Earthly plane and the spiritual dimensions when you transform the physical act of sex into a sacred lovemaking experience. In fact, you can heal emotionally, sexually, energetically and physically.

Sadly, there are a vast number of men and women who have experienced sexual abuse in one form or another. These experiences include things such as childhood molestation, sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape. There can also be great consequences for individuals due to the negative attitude and/or the way sex is used to encourage potential consumers to purchase products from cars to shoes.

Is it really possible to move past the stigma that has been placed around sex and transform it into a sacred and healing experience for yourself and within your relationship? The short answer is yes. Below you will discover three ways to help you start the healing process by experiencing sacred sex.

Expectations

The first thing you need to do is to understand what sex and lovemaking means to you. What are your expectations? What are your wants? Your desires? What emotions do you have around the act of sex and lovemaking? Have you had any negative sexual experiences? Were they traumatic for you or someone close to you? Do you feel there is more to sex than you have experienced to this point? Do you initiate sex with your partner? Do you believe it is okay for you to experience pleasure? Do you think you deserve it? Is your partner’s pleasure your responsibility? Should you be satisfied with your sex life? Is it okay for you to want to experience new things and be adventuresome?

The cells in your body have consciousness and therefore, when you experience things those memories and that knowledge can get stuck within the body. These are called holding patterns. They are not necessarily stored in places you might expect. It is possible for these memories to be stored in your right calf, your left wrist, or simply wherever your body chooses to hold on to it. These holding patterns can block the natural and easy flow of energy within your body and they have an impact on your expectations.

Right now, as you are reading this, stop and become aware of your body. Do you feel tightness in your shoulders, nervousness in your stomach, or a cramp in your foot? How are you breathing? Is it different than normal? What you feel may be totally different from these suggestions – just make note. Do not judge yourself. Simply become aware. Truly becoming conscious of your body and how it feels and reacts is the first step to moving towards healing. Your body will offer you great insight if you are willing to pay attention and listen.

Now, take out a notebook and go back through the handful of questions mentioned above in regards to your expectations around sex. Allow yourself to write freely – no matter what comes to you write it down. As you are doing this take time to stop periodically and notice your body again. Are there changes? Write down how your body feels as you move through this exercise.

If you are in a relationship, it is vitally important to uncover what his/her expectations are as well. Do not pressure your partner, but it can be very helpful to you, both, if he/she is willing to join you on this healing journey. It is also important to consider what you believe your partner’s expectations are as well as what you believe your lover expects or wants from you.

*If you uncover things that you do not feel capable of handling, seek a counselor who specializes in sex therapy and/or transpersonal psychology.

Solo healing

Once you have a better understanding of your expectations you can begin to move forward with solo healing. Depending on your individual needs you may be ready to touch yourself sensually and explore your body with your hands. Yet, it is perfectly okay to not be ready for this. Either way, begin to pamper yourself and your body.

Eat healthy, exercise, get a fresh haircut (or an entire new hair makeover), wear clothes that make you look and feel good, etc. Anything you can do for yourself that makes you feel cared for, pampered, and loved is something you should do. You can even court yourself or date yourself. Take you to see a movie, eat a nice meal, visit the zoo or an art museum, or relax in a bubble bath with a good book. Get to know you again before you move into touching yourself in a sexual way.

When you feel ready, schedule some time when you will feel safe and secure without interruptions. Begin to explore your body with your hands. You may also stand or sit in front of the mirror as you allow your eyes to roam over you. This is a non-judgmental experience. As you look and feel your body, honor it, appreciate it, and thank it for working hard as a vehicle for your soul to use to move through the journey of life.

The more connected you are to your body and the more accepting you are of it the more likely you will be able to fully move into this sacred sexual healing.

Shared life force energy healing

Sex and lovemaking with your beloved partner are really a blending of your souls and an exchange of your life force energy. Transform physical sex into sacred sex with your beloved by agreeing to enter into a lovemaking session without having the goal be orgasm or climax. This removes any potential pressure and allows both of you to expand your conscious awareness of each other. It allows you to open your heart and your soul as you move towards the gateway to Divine access.

Take turns focusing on one another’s bodies. Become fully aware of your lover’s reactions and responses. What makes him/her uncomfortable? What brings him/her pleasure? Remember this does not need to be sexual pleasure, but instead physical pleasure that allows your sweetheart to relax into the moment and connect with the life force energy with his/her soul as well as with yours.

Adjusting your breathing can also offer you amazing opportunities to relax and connect with Spirit. See a previous post we shared on 7 Ways to Use Breathing to Improve Sex.

As you become more fully present and relax, your sexual energy, which is the life force energy we mentioned, will begin to flow more easily through your body. With the flow of this energy you may begin to help some of your holding patterns break free. This can help you release guilt, fear, shame and self-judgment.

Healing is not a snap of your fingers and it magically happens sort of thing. It takes time. Therefore, when you begin to gain awareness of your expectations be certain that you do not expect one or two sessions of sacred sex to suddenly heal your wounds. With awareness, understanding, appreciation, and love for yourself and your lover you can start the healing process via your spiritual lovemaking.

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis. Follow them on Twitter @sexychallenges and Facebook.

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How to Cultivate a Sensual Pregnancy

Pregnant or considering pregnancy soon? As women, sometimes the first thing we think about is the negatives of pregnancy. The morning sickness, the worry or grief of a sick baby. How will I be as a mother? Did I really just let my child fall on the floor because I wasn't watching her? OK, these are totally natural. But what about you?! Where do you fit in all of these? Is there any way to make pregnancy and afterwards not only bearable--but pleasurable? As our friends Dr. Janelle and Rob Alex note, not only is there an opportunity to make pregnancy sensual. There are plenty of opportunities! Find out more; read on.

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The body changes drastically from the moment of conception. And, those changes continue not only through the next nine to ten months, but for weeks and possibly months after your new bundle of joy arrives. Women are beautiful, sensual and sexual creatures. Yet, for many, once they discover they are pregnant the idea of being sensual or sexual quickly evaporates.

There are many reasons that this may be the case. For example, “Morning sickness”, new hormones running rampant, weight gain. Maybe an unsupportive partner, the upcoming financial strain of a new child, your body image or other health concerns are all potential reasons you may not feel sensual or sexy during all or part of your pregnancy. So, is it even really possible to have a sensual pregnancy? Yes!

First of all, be aware that being sensual does not necessarily mean the same thing as being sexual. Sensuality is about gratifying the senses. Become more fully present in the moment and become fully aware of your body and your emotions.

While pregnant your sense of smell and sense of taste may very well become heightened. Eating delicious foods, especially ones you may have cravings for, can be shared with your lover. Savor in your heightened taste sensations. Slowly bite into that fresh piece of fruit. Take your time lifting the spoon to your mouth, close your lips around it and slowly remove it as you pull this wonderfully delicious treat onto your tongue.

Allow a soft, pleasure-filled moan to escape from your throat. It doesn’t matter if you are early on in your pregnancy with no baby bump or if you are nine months along and your yummy food is balanced on your baby belly instead of the table. Your lover is likely to get turned on by your sensual eating. You can add to the experience by having him/her feed you these tasty bites. You can even choose to close your lips around his/her fingers as you are fed.

As your tummy begins to grow be proud of it instead of insecure about your expanding girth. Opt for clothing that accentuates your baby bump instead of wearing big, sloppy clothing in an attempt to hide it. This is a special time in your life, whether planned or not. Take into consideration that not everyone can offer a baby a safe and sacred space to grow in. Yet, here you are doing just that. Honoring the rigorous, yet divine, work your body is capable of is beautiful. Wearing attractive clothing is always a great way to help you feel more sensual and sexier. Being pregnant doesn’t change that. There are a lot of spouses/partners who find pregnant women highly attractive. Together, you created a child, therefore, together you can relish in the sexy changes in your body.

Being pregnant means your body is increasing its blood flow and increasing the secretions from oil glands. These changes are what help give you that pregnancy “glow”. Your cheeks may be pinker and your skin shimmers from the extra oil. You also glow energetically. We all emit light energy. It is our life force energy. You may better understand it as your aura.

Now, consider that you are carrying another life inside of you and his/her little life force energy is also emitting light. It is no wonder that you seem to “glow” during pregnancy because you really are glowing. And, more often than not others are drawn to the light. This means you may be even more attractive to some than normal. Look at yourself in the mirror. Run your hands over your body and feel the difference in your skin. Allow your lover to do the same. Together you can celebrate the new life your lovemaking is bringing into the world.

Oftentimes, as your body grows heavy with child you may really want and/or need a foot rub, a back rub or even a tummy rub. This is a beautiful time to experience a sensual massage from your honey. He/she can enjoy exploring the changes in your body as you relax and focus on the sensation of his/her touch. If the two of you progress to a more intimate sensual massage, you can release oxytocin and thereby ease any pregnancy pain you may have been experiencing. As you probably already know, as you become sexually aroused the body releases this feel-good hormone. But, did you know that with the increased blood flow, your labia may become engorged during these months. This offers the potential for a new orgasmic experience.

Feeling sensual and sharing in lovemaking with your beloved are not only things you can and should enjoy during your pregnancy, but they are very beneficial for you, your lover, and your unborn baby. For women, pleasure and orgasm are excellent for mental and emotional health as well as physical health. In fact, as you are preparing for labor and delivery, know that semen has a hormone called relaxin, which softens the cervix and lengthens the pelvic ligaments. This hormone can be received orally as well. What a great way to encourage and assist your baby’s entrance into the world.

Experiencing sensuous pleasure throughout your pregnancy can lead to a quicker and easier delivery. It doesn’t guarantee it, but either way you can relish in the sensuality of your pregnancy. Wait! You don’t feel like having sex with your partner? No problem. You do not have to have intercourse. You can experience pleasure orally. You can pleasure yourself.

Of course, due to the increased hormonal activity in the body many women find themselves feeling far more sensual as well as more sexually aroused throughout their pregnancy. You may or may not be one of those women, but you can increase your sensuality simply by honoring you, your body and the changes that are taking place.

Experiencing and enjoying your sensuality and your sexuality throughout your pregnancy will help your body prepare for the birth. This can also deepen the intimate bond with your partner.

One final note for you – while you are in labor if you visualize making love to your sweetheart, you will actually be helping yourself to relax vaginally. This is a natural way to offer yourself assistance during this experience and may even lead you to have an orgasmic birth.

(*Only participate in sexual activity if your heart is healthy enough and you are not experiencing any other serious health issues.)


Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook called "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them at Inward Oasis.

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10 Essential Lessons About Female Orgasm

Just because we're on Dick & Dildo December doesn't mean we can't vag out on our favorite topic: female orgasms. We love talking about female orgasms, and why wouldn't we? We recently shared some important erogenous zones, how to have more intense orgasms and of course, more information on the ever-so-important G-Spot orgasm. GetLusty loves female orgasms! Today, our resident queen of dominance, Portia Blush is here to provide a few more absolute essential lessons about the female orgasm.
 
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Ever wished your female lover's body came with an instruction manual for optimum pleasure? Think the female orgasm is as elusive as the golden snitch in Harry Potter, or winning that latest Powerball lottery? Think again! Here are some insights from the inside on just what you need to know about the female orgasm from one woman who loves having them!

#1 We're not all built the same 

The most important lesson of all to know about the female orgasm is that we don't all get there the same way. Just like with what gets you off guys, there is no "One size fits all" owner's manual on how to please a woman. Our orgasm, and how we achieve it, as as individual as we are. To this extent, don't assume that what has worked wonders with other women, will work with the partner you have now. If she doesn't take the lead by telling you what takes her there, speak up and ask! We like lovers who are as interested in pleasing us, as they are in being pleased. Ladies, take ownership of your own pleasure and tell him, or better, show him!

#2 This is not a timed test 

 The timing of how long it takes a woman to reach orgasm varies greatly. Time of the month (as far as where she is in her cycle), her mood and where her mind is at, and the stimulation she is receiving (or not receiving) are just some of the variables that will effect how long it takes to reach orgasm. A woman who can cum rather quickly on one day, may take longer on another. Some women may even feel the need to fake an orgasm if they perceive you feel they're taking too long. Honestly, I've done it myself, and I have heard from many female friends that they have as well. We don't want to do that believe me, so do your lover a favor and don't make her feel like she is in a race to orgasm at the pace you want her to. Just like you don't want to be worried if you are lasting long enough, we don't want to feel equally pressured to orgasm on a time schedule. 

#3 Don't stop the groove 

Variety in lovemaking is a great goodness, and should be applauded. However, If you are doing something with your tongue, or the rhythm of your thrusts with your cock that has your woman writhing in ecstasy, whatever you do, don't stop doing it! Pay attention to how your partner is reacting to what you're doing. If you have found a rhythm that has her thrusting her hips into you for more and climbing excitedly to orgasmic bliss, don't suddenly change the groove on her. 

There is nothing worse than being inches away from orgasm, only to have it thwarted because your lover decided to change things up at the worst possible moment. I'm not sure why some of you guys do this, but it seems that sometimes right as you know we're approaching orgasm, you start going faster and harder for what seems like no reason at all. If we are moaning in pleasure about to peak, don't stop the groove! Pay attention, learn her signals, and when you know you're on the right path, stay your course, good man!

#4 Ring bell for service 

Our clitoris is not the only thing we like stroked. While we ladies definitely need clit stimulation to get off, that is not the one and only way to make us cum like wildfire. You've heard of that elusive G-Spot before? It's no myth! It's located just about 1-2 inches just inside the vagina on the upper wall (think towards the belly button if this confuses you).  

If you're going down on your woman, don't be afraid to use your hands to sweeten the deal. One or two well-placed fingers stroking her g-spot will have most women juicy with joy! Some rare women, like myself, even enjoy a finger inserted in our anus while we're being eaten out.

Though many women feel their anus is like a "No fly zone", so don't go exploring uncharted territory without asking first. And fingers aren't just for inserting either! Massage her labia gently, stroke her inner thighs, trace her body with one hand: the possibilities for pleasure in this sense are endless! For more information on the elusive G-Spot orgasm, check out our many ideas. We've got advanced cunnilingus with g-spot stimulation tips, wonderful books on g-spot and even the in-fashion technique of squirting.

#5 We like a little pre-game show 

Don't turn up your nose at the art of foreplay! Take the time to not only romance her, but her body as well. We hate it when you want to jump right into the heat of the action, without some warm up. Women are like fine wine; we want to be savoured. Don't just slide in and start pumping away, we need you to work your way up to that. Tease her, slowly stroke the length of her body, and whatever you do, don't underestimate the sensuality of kissing! Everyone likes a quickie on occasion, but when you have the time, make sure you spend it drinking in every ounce of your partner, and revel in the journey, not just the destination.

#6 Touch her with your words 

While men are more visual creatures, women tend to be more auditory when it comes to arousal.  Talk to your lover. Tell her how sexy she is, how much you love her body, and all the things you want to do to her. We love to hear how much you desire us, and how you so eagerly want to enjoy every ounce of our bodies. There's nothing like a well-timed whisper in our ear as you're sliding yourself in and out of us, or the sound of our name on your lips as we send you into the throws of orgasmic heaven. We also love to hear your pleasure too, so don't be afraid to let us know with moans of pleasure how much you are loving what we're doing to you!

#7 We are not breakable 

Not every woman likes sex soft and gentle. Some of us like to be fucked with wild primal abandon that can sometimes only be seen on Animal Planet! Although we may look like delicate creatures, I can assure you we will not break. If we say we want to be ridden fiercely, to witness the masculine strength and prowess we know you're capable of. Believe us!  

#8 Variety is king 

That being said, we may not always be looking for lovemaking in the same style and fashion one day, as we will the next. Just like you guys, we want different things when we're in different moods. Our orgasms are much the same. Some days we may want to be made love to slowly by you while a serenade of Barry White songs playing in the background, and others we may want to be fucked senseless up against the wall with animalistic force while our clothing is still half on. Some days one scenario will have us humming like a tuning fork with passion, and some days not. Go with the flow! 

#9 Be a gentlemen 

Make sure we cum first! I say this for two reasons: One, this takes the pressure off of us for feeling like we need to match your arousal peak for peak, and allows us to relax, which makes reaching orgasm that much easier. Two: because if you're going to roll over and slip into "snoresville" right after you cum, we will be left hanging, and honestly guys, this is the equivalent of "Blue Balling" your lady. It's not fun for you when this happens, and it is definitely not fun for us. Remember, ladies first!

#10 Knowledge is power 

Above all, strive to know your partner's body. Learn what turns her on, what heats her up, and what sets her off like a 4th of July fireworks explosion! This comes with time, which is one thing that can make couplehood so sexy, as you will gain a more intricate map of your partner's sexual pleasure map over time with each experience.  

Have fun my fellow sexplorers, and play safe! Want more tips and tricks on the allusive female orgasm? Contact Portia Blush below or give us a quick e-mail at reply@getlusty.com. We'd love to hear from you! 

Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.

She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.

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The Language of Polyamory

At GetLusty, we think monogamy is really sexy. But that's not to say there aren't other relationship options for couples. Take swinging or polyamory for example. But how do you describe polyamory? What is language do we use? Our favorite counseling couple, Chuck and Jo Ann Bird, are back to define some common phrases used to identify polyamorous couples or situations.

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We often talk about the language of love, and how each couple needs to find their own language, so to speak, to communicate their love and devotion.

But what if there are more than two people in that relationship? We've been writing blogs about polyamory and the practice of consensual non-monogamy. We’ve been doing it primarily to parallel the debut of a new Showtime docu-series, Polyamory: Married and Dating, which explores alternative relationship structures like poly. Today, we’d like to discuss the language of poly love.

While it’s difficult to define the poly experience, as there are so many permutations of poly and each poly relationship has a dynamic all its own, we know there are a lot of words and terminologies out there that help frame the general poly experience. So, we thought we might be able to shed a little light on what poly is by explaining some of the words used by those who live it — the language of poly love.

Let’s start with some of the categories of poly relationships. Please understand that we aren’t trying to define the experience of poly — just provide a basic working knowledge of the basics of poly relationships. Below are just a few of the terms used to describe polyamory:

Responsible non-monogamy: Any relationship which is not sexually and/or emotionally exclusive by the explicit agreement and with the full knowledge of all the parties involved. Responsible non-monogamy can take several forms, the two most common of which are polyamory and swinging, and is distinct from cheating in that everyone involved knows about and agrees to the activity. Responsible non-monogamy often explicitly spells out the conditions under which it is permissible for one person to take on additional partners, and often includes some form of safer-sex agreement such as a condom contract as well.

Triad or vee: Colloquial A polyamorous relationship involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other.

Quad: A polyamorous relationship involving four people, each of whom may or may not be sexually and emotionally involved with all the other members.

Group marriage: A relationship in which three or more people consider themselves married to one another; in the polyamory community, most often a relationship involving more than one man and more than one woman, who may live together, share finances, raise children together, and otherwise share those responsibilities normally associated with marriage. A group marriage is not recognized by and has no legal standing within most Western countries, but may have symbolic or have emotional value to the people involved. Many people who believe in group marriage may create civil contracts and other legally binding business arrangements which specify the type and extent of financial commitments within the marriage, or even form a legal corporation which defines the marriage.

Open marriage/relationship: Any marriage or committed relationship whose structures or arrangements permit one or both of the members involved to have outside sexual relationships, outside romantic relationships, or both. The term open marriage is a catchall for marriages which are not emotionally or sexually monogamous; and may include such activities as polyamory or swinging. The term “open marriage” is sometimes used as a synonym for polyamory, though this is not necessarily the case; some relationships may be open but not polyamorous (as in some swinging relationships which explicitly ban emotional entanglement with anyone outside the relationship), and some relationships may be polyamorous but not open (as in polyfidelitious relationships).

Polyfamily: Colloquial 1. A set of polyamorous people who live together and identify as part of the same family. 2. A polyamorous group whose members consider one another to be family, regardless of whether or not they share a home.

Polyfidelity: (Literally, poly many + fidelitas faithfulness) A romantic or sexual relationship which involves more than two people, but which does not permit the members of that relationship to seek additional partners outside the relationship, at least without the approval and consent of all the existing members. Some polyfidelitous relationships may have a mechanism which permits adding new members to the relationship with mutual agreement and consent of the existing members; others may not permit any new members under any circumstances.

These terms make up the basic framework of how many poly couples and moresomes refer to their relationships, but for those who are on the outside looking into poly for the first time, they are a unique window into a different way of thinking about relationships.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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The Truth About Sex During Marriage

Guess what? Married couples do have sex. No--it's not perfect. Sometimes sex stops after marriage or you're one of the millions of Americans in sexless marriages. But overall--marriage often means you're going to have more sex and an overall higher quality of life (including more money) than being single. The myth that every marriage is sexless is completely false and continues to dissuade couples against marriage. Which is totally OK. It's the relationship that counts. But we mustn't forget that married couples are just like those in long-term relationships. Couples shouldn't be persuaded that long term relationships equal boredom! Amazing sexual relationships are possible. Taking apart the myths surrounding the sex of married couples, GetLusty's Lynn Olejniczak reports on the truths of sex during marriage.

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Stop me if you heard this one: The most common sexual position among married couples is doggy-style. The husband begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead. Ah, jokes about bad sex during marriage.

If you haven’t heard that one, there are hundreds of jokes just like it out there. The theme is the same; once you’re married your sex life goes into automatic pilot. Add kids and it comes to a screeching halt. Comics, sitcoms, books, movies have all followed this misconception. Yes! I said misconception. But it is a hard stereotype to fight, like a Polish joke.

Hell, I’m Polish and even I know the jokes don’t work with a Swede or an Australian. I’ve also been married and I know I enjoyed an active sex life for as long as the marriage lasted. But truth is stranger than fiction, and married people are getting it on.

Quite often, better than their single friends. Take the obvious into consideration, proximity. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out if one happens to share a home (and a bed) with someone they are attracted to then sex will probably take place. More often than not, people are married to each other for a reason which includes sexual attraction. Therefore, sex will, and does happen more often for married folk.

In 2010, Indiana University’s Center for Sexual Health Promotion concluded their extensive research on sex. Nearly 6,000 people from age 14 to 94 were surveyed on sexual attitudes and activity. When asked if they had sex in the last year, 61% of singles said no compared to only 18% of married people. Narrowing the field, 25% of married people between the ages of 25 and 59 reported they were having sex two-to-three times a week as opposed to less than 5% of singles in the same age bracket.

According to the well respected Kinsey Institute, stats from men and women show the same optimism for married/coupled sex. Check out the data for partnered and marriage men versus single men reporting about vaginal intercourse. Married and partnered people experience sex 2-3 times weekly. Singles? They're between between 10 and 40% less likely to have sex 2-3 times weekly. Numbers don’t lie.

Most married people with kids will tell you that though sexual time with their partner may post a challenge, they still rise to the occasion (no pun intended, well, maybe). Stealing a quickie while the twins are at soccer practice or doing it in the basement while searching for the Christmas decorations is not far-fetched. Maybe the all-night-swinging-from-the-ceiling-candles-rubber-sheet-honey-and-blindfold sex no longer fits into the schedule but sex is happening. Furthermore, more oral sex is happening among hitched couples. Shock! Horror!

I can tell you from personal experience that if I wanted my ex-husband to finish the laundry for me, run an errand I didn’t have time for, or have dinner with friends of mine he hated, the easiest was to get my desired result was to offer up a blowjob. I happen to know a married couple with kids who play Scrabble a few times a week. Winner is awarded their sexual favor of choice. You see, it isn’t as though married sex isn’t happening; it is just that it is happening differently.

Think back to the mating date of being 'single' but 'dating'. Now, remember it for what it really was. Deciding a person was “worthy,” being disappointed when you thought they were but they really weren’t, threatening celibacy if you have “one more date like that again.” Then, you were attracted to someone who wasn’t into you. You chased someone and wasted your time over someone who wasn’t into you. You then settled for someone just because you didn’t want to be single over the holidays. OK, it wasn’t always that bad. But we are all guilty of one or six of those situations.

Sex in marriage requires effort. But so does a successful marriage. That’s why married people put that effort in - including reading GetLusty for Couples' great advice. Being married to the same person for years means you know everything about them. Good and annoying. The last venue of thrill has to be the bedroom, closet,  car or laundry room. When you sign on to marriage you know that. When you add kids you realize something else; you have to be creative to get your two-year-old to eat their peas. But you also have to be creative in getting your dessert too.

Speaking of sex in marriage, have you 'Liked' GetLusty on Facebook yet? We're giving away a Tiani 2 to a lucky 'Liker' by December 1st. We're also on Pinterest and Tumblr, as well as Twitter @getlusty. What?! You're on those platforms and aren't in tune with our awesome content? Have amazing sex. Get lusty.

Lynn Olejniczak is a native Chicagoan who loves her city and everything it has to offer. She spent 10 years as a NASDAQ trader in Chicago and New York in the 90's, then went back to college when "the rules changed and I realized no one was going to pay me lots of money to swear at them anymore."

She loves good food, and a perfectly poured Guinness at any Irish pub in the city. Her Beastie Boys CD's rest comfortably next to her Misfits vinyl, and she believes Underground Garage is the best radio program known to humankind. Armed with degrees in History, and a love of Urban Planning, Lynn is currently writing and researching a book on the 80's Chicago bar scene. Get in touch with Lynn at editorial@getlusty.com.

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