5 Tips to Kiss Like a Superstar

Because superstars are amazing kissers. Either way, kissing is beautiful! Who doesn't enjoy a great kiss as part of  foreplay? Kissing is a wonderful part of foreplay. And what better time to think about how to enjoy your lover than Dick & Dildo December? Well, have we got some great tips for you! Dr. Carlen, our favorite Sexologist from London, Ontario, is here to give you some tips to make the most of this aspect of your foreplay experience.

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One of the most iconic visuals of love and admiration that pop culture falls back on is through the public witness of a kiss. One can say that a kiss can either make or break not only you, but a potential intimate relationship. Bad kissing is up there for being one of the top ten reasons why you shouldn’t turn down a second date, but who’s to say it doesn’t have a small part if you’re sitting on the edge?

“The definition of a kiss is relatively simple: It is either the mouth-to-mouth orientation of two individuals or the pressing of one’s lips on some other part of another’s body” (Science of Kissing, Sheril Kirshenbaum). Kissing, no matter where you`re from, how you do it or who you`re doing it to is one of the most intimate ways we can connect with another person. In our swapping of spit, twisting tongues and locking lips, kissing has always been part of the language of love, yet only a few have mastered it’s techniques.

Whether it’s innate or a cultural phenomenon, the panel is still out. Either way, here are a few tips for making your next kiss a lip locker rocker rather than a tongue tied mistake.

#1 Oral hygiene

Is your mouth well equipped to take on a lip locking adventure? What some people forget is that a kiss not only involves just the lips, but when you’re rolling in the deep the rest of your mouth comes along for the ride. Keeping your oral hygiene up by visiting your dentist at minimum twice per year, along with your own personal regiment requires planning and toothy tenacity that can make or break you at ‘hello’.

Make sure you’re rocking some fresh breath, keeping your tongue scraped daily and floss when you can. No one likes the entrée to appear in their mouth after dessert. On a big date and need to keep it fresh? Don’t worry it’s easy to make sure you’re packing. Keeping a pack of breath mints or gum makes sure you’ve practiced safe breathe & kiss safely (Dentyne gum); especially if you’re a lover of fine foods such as coffee, wine or garlic. Taking care of your entire mouth will only make it more appealing when those pearly whites appear for a good ol’ flirt-on.

#2 Loaded lips

As sexy as it is in music videos when the star has lacquered lips – along with a makeup artist and professional lighting, one of the downsides is usually a main squeeze with a glossy face that is nothing short of just a sticky mess. Lip chap, lipstick with stain, and a light gloss that you can reapply all keep your pout pretty but make them kissable and fabulously desirable at the same time.

Men need to be aware of lip maintenance care too. No one likes to kiss a chappy chap! All men, especially when you’re facing cold & dry climates, need to also remember to keep their lips luscious with some daily maintenance too. Keep a lip balm with SPF in your man bag, inner coat pocket or desk drawer. Balms with mint, light berry or my favourite Dr. Pepper flavors keep any lip lover always coming back for a second taste.

#3 Kissing style

Whether you’re in a heavy make out or having your first kiss, when the slip of the tongue ensues, keep it classy & sassy instead of saucy and raunchy. If you find that your mate is pulling away a little, they might just be coming up for air and trying to avoid the suction of your Bermuda-triangle tongue. Mix up your style to avoid this mishap! A little lip suck, a mildly twisty tongue, a bottom lip nibble… all bring you attention when penning your kiss signature. But just be sure you exercise your new techniques at the right time. No one likes to see a make out session in front of Grandma at Thanksgiving. Light kisses, deep kisses, fun kisses and pecks are all ways to mix it up and keep your lover at labial attention.

#4 The body kiss

It’s easy to forget that an awesome kiss involves more than just the right lip lock magic. To leave a lasting impression involves your whole body.

Using your hands to lightly caress her back, pressing your hips closer to theirs, blowing lightly on their necks and nibbling their earlobes are all ways to pump up the volume on a kiss that will leave a lasting impression.

Often, we can find ourselves focusing too much on our mouths instead of feeling the flow of the moment. Kissing on the lips is only one way we can connect with our mouths physically to someone. It’s important to use the rest of your body to send positive signals that you’re in the moment and you’re just as interested as they are. The right caress or kiss in another erogenous zone, such as the neck or collarbone can trigger pleasurable sensations that pulse right through the entire body.

#5 Luscious lip attitude

The main thing to remember when deciding to go in for the kill is to have confidence and a sexified attitude. Having the confidence and knowing for you that you are a delicious diva and can pick up that lover for a ride to pleasure town is one of the hottest assets a person can have. It’s all about your attitude and confidence going into it. If you’re having fun, your lip locking lover will be too! So get out there and make sure they remember you with your signature kiss.

Originally posted on Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living Tumblr.

Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

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Could Porn Help Deter Sexual Violence?

We've been talking about porn a lot lately. We've debated some of the reasons our readers might object to porn. Of course, Camille Crimson named 5 ways porn can be beautiful. GetLusty's Mary-Margaret Sweene also talked about confronting our fear of porn. Today, Dr. Carlen is talking from her point of view why porn may be more important to the sexual lives of North Americans than we sometimes think. Indeed, she argues that she agrees with a Scientific American Mind article that tested porn actually lead to reduced sexual violence against women. Either way you believe on the spectrum, we appreciate your feedback. Feel free to comment below!

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Don’t let me tell you some of my other favourite four letter words (and some 5 letter ones too). We would be here for a while. I recently read an article titled “Does porn actually help deter sexual violence?”. As a Sexologist, and due to the evidence of studies quoted in the article, I’d have to completely agree with what is being written here. From the article, “[Pornography] does not promote sexism. It does not promote sexual violence. In fact, it may make some porn consumers less likely to commit sexual crimes, says an article in the July 2011 edition of Scientific American Mind.”

Let’s be honest. As women, and as a self identified humanist, with feminist qualities women get the short end of the stick. Our wages are imbalanced. Because of our physiology our governments and capitalism demean our worth. And we still unfortunately live in a highly patriarchal society. So, why don't we blame that? Blame the ancient ideologies that we as a society clearly still cater to.

Pornography is not harmful to men or women. There are aspects of pornography which do offend, but everyone is entitled to an opinion. Before cleanly and abruptly dismissing tools which can actually influence a positive effect towards the development of intimacy for many couples, we need to consider the educational side.

For those of you who are interested, yes the sex worker industry does need attention. There are a countless number of ways that the industry in its entirety needs to be regulated. Consider healthcare, taxed and given structure for equal proprietorship. Pornography may have a negative influence upon you. But this depends on your pre-exisiting conscience and sub-science assessment of understanding. Inclusive of pre-existing religious notions, cultural and sociogical influences, and just plainly whatever you learned in life.

In terms of its use as a tool, it can be effective in normalizing behaviours, feelings, fantasies and attitudes for all people who may feel uncomfortable with the very conversation of anything sexual on every level. Regulation of the industry does need to happen in order to protect and guarantee that basic human rights are not being infringed upon for all involved. But that is the conversation worth having, not dismissing the industry on the whole.

Especially in London, Ontario. There has been a large crusade to get rid of pornography all together. How backwards is this? To me, this kind of sounds like the 1950’s where our communities propagated to put women back in the kitchen and treat us like soft little toys. Are you trying to tell me that because I am a woman I can’t handle it? Are you trying to tell me that as a woman, I’m too, “weak” or I’ve become some sort of, “victim” because I’m horny as hell? That I can't engage in a form of consensual activity with whomever and however many I choose?

Yes. That is what removing pornography is telling me. Allowing for persons to have outlets, that are safe, that are consensual and that do not cause harm unto others is what the adult industry is all about. In case you didn’t know, those of us in the field have began to move away from the word pornography due to the negative connotations that have become associated with the word. Therefore, we use terms such as erotic films, adult industry, and the characteristic terms of the acts being portrayed. For example, BDSM, homo-erotic, and other types of play. Why? In order to uplift and create positive dialogue behind the real issues of the industry, not that people are having sex. that’s obvious. Videos, and other such similar forms of pornography are outlets. Ways that compliment our ability to fantasize and increase our desire and sensual pleasure.

Sure, adult videos may have influenced a push towards the increase of plastic boobs, and hairless vulvas. So did Desperate Housewives. But that’s also part of the originial problem of the commodifation of persons as objects and devolvement of misogyny on women at all levels. But now they have so many variations of pornography. Big busted, gay male, feminist, threesome, group, toys. The list goes on and on! If anything, I would say the pornography industry is actually the most inclusive market in the world. Where everyone is hot, and everyone gets off.

So now what?

This city is trying to satisfy the complaints of a few people. On the other hand, it's ignoring not only the tourism industry (thus creating jobs; btw; did we forget that London has a sky-rocketing unemployment rate?). What about  the healthy sexual needs of the majority? In the privacy of their own homes. They feel guilt or shame because something that you don’t understand is inflicting orgasms. Oh wait! Harm. Yes, harm I think is the term some people are using these days.

When people don’t understand things it is unfortunate that instead of seeking information and educating themselves there is an automatic induction of fear. Didn’t someone once say, if something scares you that’s all the more reason to jump into the face of adversity, face your fears and conquer the world! Ok well, not in so many words, but you get it!

“So it seems porn is not inherently bad. Misogynistic producers and directors make it bad”. Big difference. I honesty think that we look at an industry as pornography and give it too much power. We instead need to be able to digress and choose to understand it, and mold it into a healthy medium and positive outlet.

Originally posted on Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living Tumblr.

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Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

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Vulva 101: a Book That's an Ode to the Vulva (NSFW)

We're all about educating about the vulva. Coincidentally, after receiving publishing our Vulva 101: 6 Tips for Success article, the wonderful and lovely Hylton Coxwell reached out to send us a copy of "Vulva 101" in the mail.

The moment we read through it, we loved it to say the least! The book is sitting in the middle of our office on a coffee table. We recommend it to many of the ladies and gents who pass through our four walls!

Vulvas, vaginas, inner lips and just the entire 'down there' is beautiful. As ladies, unless we partake in cunnilingus, we don't have much of an opportunity to see the vulva with all its glory. Dr. Carlen, of the Sexy Living blog, is here to take a moment to reflect on why she loves "Vulva 101," the new book by Hylton Coxwell.

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My vulva is a delicate flower

My vulva is a work of art

My vulva likes to play

My vulva likes to part

My vulva relieves my stress

My vulva gives me a glow

My vulva is my best friend

Even when it flows.

Ok, so I’m not the best poet this century but the point was that I recently discovered a term that I think many of my readers will thoroughly enjoy. I was watching a tv show last night, aimed mostly at a heterosexual male audience, and this term came up:

I recently received Vulva 101 by Hylton Coxwell in the mail. I’ll admit, even for a Sexologist, looking at a book vibrant with pictures of vulvas can be a really eye-opening experience. I have Vaginal Hubris. I take pride in my vaginal strength, size, colour and shape. I take care of my vulva. I tidy it up, I do my kegels and treat it as part of my physiological temple.

Think about it, though. If you don’t take pride in your vulva, how do you expect anyone else to worship it? As I begin, and open the book, the dedication is where I stop and take a moment to reflect. It reads: “This book is dedicated to all those who have ever felt shame regarding their bodies and to those who see beauty in all things.”

What is beauty? In a world where social commodification is in every commercial, magazine and ad as well as the strong rules of performativity that continue to thrive based on the binary of patriarchal systemics it’s no wonder we can’t even define the purity of beauty. This though, is what Vulva 101 is all about.

"Finally! It’s about time someone made the connection between the academic, anatomical medical diagrams to the 'up close' and personally intimate visual presence of a women’s geinitalia; a specific focus on the uniqueness of each women’s vulva." - Viktoria Kalenteris

This informative and visual anomalie is exactly what is being said. It is about looking. It is about provocation. It is about shifting the discourse from normal & abnormal to healthy & harm reductive. Vulva 101 has 5 chapters, each uniquely exploring our current relationship that many of us have with our vulvas. Throughout the pages though are vibrant and eye catching pictoral debuts of a large variety of beautiful vulvas. All are different, unique and the collection reminds me of my mothers' garden from my youth. Growing, changing and beautiful.

According to Hylton, our vulva should be seen as “A part that should symbolize life, love and pleasure, but instead is hidden from society and individuals, even from their words and thoughts,” (page 11). This is what our vulva culture has become. When it’s easier to say penis & testicles, than it is vulva, vagina or clitoris.

I remember in my undergrad being with a large group of friends and playing “the penis game”. As irrelevant as it may sound, the goal of the game was to be the person who could yell the word penis as loud as possible in gradual increments. We never played this game with the word vagina. Maybe the 3 syllables was too difficult of a task at the time.

The one piece that makes Vulva 101 different from other literary or artistic pieces about the vulva is in its display. Hylton made it quite clear that the graphic and full featured colourful pictures are on purpose and part of the attempt to evoke dialogue. Being that it was already difficult to find similar reference to what was being attempted through Vulva 101, Hylton found that any similar projects often “tried to water everything down, often in sepia tones or black and white, in an effort to not be confused with pornography."

Why is it every time we see or elude to our genitalia it is either medicalized or negatively socialized in reference to ‘that dirty pornography’? Our own bodies, our temples, our selves have become our own worst enemies of the state-literally and figuratively speaking. We find solace in protecting our prized treasures and are reacted with retribution when we attempt to go beyond our concealment and choose to publicly celebrate what is one of our most effective ways to connect with nature and our heritage.

“So who are the 101 women who posed? Women from all walks of life, body types and ages (18-65, with an average age of 34)” (page 13). Vulva 101 visually explores and celebrates the vulva of every woman, no matter what they called it. “Pussy, vagina, cunt, down there, vajayjay, cookie, box, punani, fanny (British), whowho, who-ha, junk, package, it, cooch, cooter, cunny, snatch, kitty, chatte (French), vagin (French), truffle, kitten, minage, muff, quim, twat, clam, beef-curtains, giggy, Center of the Universe, Petunia, George and jinka (Japanese) [these are listed] in order of popularity among the women who posed” (page 15). This is the language. These are the words that manipulate our ideals of the vulva. No matter what word you identify with though, all are understood as a reference to our most beautiful of parts-the vulva.

I wouldn’t want to ruin your own experience of indulging in Vulva 101, which is why I will end my review here. I feel that the ultimate goal of Vulva 101 is all about revealing normativity in the abnormal manifestation of our vaginal discourse. It goes beyond the experience of our knowing, our cultural relativity and urges your own manifestation of understanding the relationship we all have; self-identified woman or self indentified men to arise, page by page with the vulva.

Therefore, consider adding Vulva 101 to your collections. Or, if you are not in a place where you cannot, consider then, adding love to your relationship with one of the most precious temples in existence, the vulva. Vulva 101 is also on Twitter @vulva101.

Originally posted on Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living Tumblr.

Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

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Why My Morning Orgasm Is Better Than Coffee

Orgasm October has us thinking about orgasms constantly. And this lazy Saturday morning, we're thinking about coffee and orgasms both. Well, it's morning in Chicago at least. What better time for a cup of coffee? But have you ever considered morning orgasms replacing coffee occasionally? Yes, it's possible. Dr. Carlen Costa reports.

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An orgasm in the morning is better than coffee. That’s what I always say. No matter I don't drink coffee!

Today, I am inspired by orgasms. I’m in San Francisco - the city where food is a delicacy and so is sex. People here take their sexuality very seriously, and why shouldn’t they? We are consistently plagued with variably negative, closed-minded and overt in-your-face messages in reference to our genders and sexualities.  It’s nice to be able to find a safe haven for those who identify themselves in sex positivity and allow themselves to just be (at least this has consistently been my experience coming here).

So why the orgasm?

I started my day with a lecture from the man who invented the Discostick(R). He came up with the idea when his wife was having concerns climaxing and experiencing pain. The percussive source instrument’s claim to fame is that its vibrations have been known to aid in reducing vaginal adhesions (scarring) from surgeries in women such as C-sections, hysterectomies, or repeated abdominal incisions. As mentioned, the percussive vibrations stimulate and loosen lower tendons and ligaments while also supplying a rather pleasurable massage above and below the pubic bone. The also fortunate result happens to be an orgasm! Which, let’s be honest, is amazing!

This got me thinking about orgasms. Vibrator therapy administered by doctors of the past to women were almost daily requirements in order to ‘rid women’ of ‘sickness’ such as deviancy and mania. Some women were even known to self pleasure before big events, attending church and other social gatherings. Why? In order to give them pleasing dispositions and a healthy glow.

Bring back the orgasm

You know, they may have been on to something there. Think about it. After you orgasm, either through self pleasuring or from your partner, doesn’t your day just feel so much better? Doesn’t everything just look pretty awesome? Yeah it does! So let’s talk about this; orgasms make you feel awesome, make your day better-even in that moment, and increase your sexual self esteem.

Why aren’t we having orgasm parties? Why is there still such shame associated with women’s sexuality? Why do many people still feel guilty after self pleasuring? You know what I say to that? F**K that! Literally. There are plenty of benefits and reasons for her to masturbate. There are also great reasons why he should masturbate.


Masturbate 

Make yourself some private time right now and masturbate! Or grab your partner and get jiggy, or the guy next door, maybe that girl that keeps lightly teasing you with her eyes as you’re reading this. This is a great time to get it on!

I was also able to meet someone really interesting today too. Dr. Amy Cooper is the bomb shell who wrote the book "The Everything Orgasm Book". Her book discusses everything from myths about orgasms, enhancing your orgasm experiences to 10 ways to improve your orgasm. One of the most interesting things that sparked much discussion was when she said, "If you want deeper orgasms, explore ways to do that. But don’t go against the orgasms you’re having now." Everyone wants earth shattering, mind blowing, wake up the neighbors, final act of the opera orgasms. Of course we do! The orgasm is so great it allows us to feel like we’ve slipped into temporary bliss. Everything in the world disappears for a few seconds and you get to be in your own little pleasure bubble floating around ecstasy land.

Not all orgasms are created equal 

The key to a positive life of fulfilling orgasms though is variance. Think of orgasms like chocolate. Sometimes you like a little peanut & nuget, or a little milk chocolate, then there are days when you’re just dying to have a truffle. OK, maybe 4 truffles. But that the best part! That’s OK! Orgasmic variance is what makes discovering your sexual patterns part of the fun. Exploring what feels good, mixing it up, and having different orgasmic goals is all part of the idea of the “evolving orgasm”. No one wants to stay stagnant. Our civilization feeds on change and evolution and progression to become something more and our sexuality does as well, which including our orgasms. So here’s my sexy tip:

Take your orgasm into your own hands

Be confident in your sexuality and the fact that you - yes you, deserve wonderful orgasms as much as the next person. Self pleasuring (aka masturbation) is probably the most reliable source as you really only have to deal with yourself. Incorporate fantasy, toys, lubes, varying partners, techniques, textures, light some incense or bath in a scented oils, varying positions, speeds, times of the day. The list can go on and on! Play with your clitoris, G Spot, anus, prostate, testes, nipples and all the other erogenous zones. Not sure where they are? Explore!

Either way, set yourself a goal and work up to it. Don’t get discouraged if the missions fails the first time. Your personal orgasmic recipe is individual and varies based on numerous factors. Just have fun with it though. This is supposed to be a bonding exercise for yourself with yourself.

Love yourself, and let your orgasms love you.

Lovingly cross-posted from Dr. Carlen's Sexy Living blog.

Dr. Carlen Costa is pretty awesome. A resident of London, Ontario in Canada, she's making waves in London and beyond.

As a Sexologist, "Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen" is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others. Send me questions, send me your thoughts! Through this we will cater to all orientations, genders and age groups. We are all Sexy beings, and should feel as such in our own skins. Find Dr. Carlen on Twitter @DrCarlen and 'Like' her Facebook page.

Read more »