How To Gauge Your Sexual Temperature

Amy Jo Goddard knows how to empower us! She is an amazing sexual empowerment coach and sexual educator and we absolutely love learning from her.

Amy has written on role play, scheduling sex and continuing sex education. But today, it's all about your sexual temperature. What is that you ask? Well, just like a thermometer measures a fever, Amy is here with ways to help you gauge your sexual needs. 

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Sometimes you get so stuck sexually and you are so used to feeling stuck, you have no way to gauge how or why. I see this a lot with new sex coaching clients and prospects. If a woman has gotten far enough in her process to call me, she at least has some sense that her sexuality needs attention. Sometimes that’s as much as she knows. Figuring out the way into it or how to break it down feels hard and the whole of her sexual issues becomes a series of symptoms with vague ideas of the root causes.

I recently spoke to a woman who described her sexuality as a ball with no handles that just rolls and rolls and she doesn’t know where or how to get a grip on it. I think many people feel this way about sexuality because it’s so big and so many potential issues come up that they do not know where to begin. You can start by taking your own sexual temperature, so to speak. Look at the various key aspects of your sexuality and if you could literally take your temperature, how would the mercury rise and fall?

Your Sexual Temperature Key

Cold

Totally shut down, not happening, needs life-support now!

Lukewarm

On life-support, barely keeping its pulse but trying to survive.

Warm

Things are moving a bit, maybe slowly, maybe not all in the best direction, but there is motion and a will to be in a more healthy place. Throw me a blanket.

Sexual homeostasis

Functioning optimally, this part feels healthy and balanced, in a place of “normalcy”. Right on target.

Overheated

Overall, functioning well and with a lot of energy, but energy is a bit out-of-balance.

Fever

Manic functioning or over-indulgence in this area. Need to reconnect to self and rebalance. Way off your center. Sometimes sexual fever is fun but that’s not what I’m talking about here!

Temperature check 

What are areas of your sexuality where you could apply this? There are many aspects of your sexuality that you want to check in with regularly. For starters, do a temperature check on these seven:

#1 Your sexual body and how you are feeling in your body
#2 Your level of pleasure and joy , both emotional and physical
#3 Your desire and attraction, both the quality and level
#4 Your radiance and excitement-Are you glowing daily?
#5 Your intimate relationships, with self and/or with partners and lovers
#6 Your energy level, overall and sexually
#7 Your sexual and creative expression


Your Sexual Empowerment Assignment

Take a moment with each area and stick in the thermometer and read it honestly. If your temperature is below normal in any of these areas, think about 3 things you could do to breathe life back into this part, starting today.

If you are sexually homeostatic, what are 3 things you love and appreciate about the healthy temperature of this part? And if you are overheated or feverish, what 3 things could you do to recalibrate and re-balance to a place of sexual homeostasis and optimal functioning? Take your sexual temperature regularly and prevent your sexuality from falling to a place of being ignored, neglected, or into total disrepair.

Lovingly cross-posted with permission from Amy's blog here.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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Say No to Excuses & Have Your Best Sex

Whether you want to have your best sex life or go after your dream career, you must first identify what's stopping you. What excuses are you using that slow you down from moving forward? Let go of the excuses and get proactive about making your life happen. Amy Jo Goddard is back with more inspiration for letting those excuses go and having an amazing sexual relationship sooner than you think!

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Stop with the excuses 

How many times do you put off your own growth, self-development work, fun, pleasure or education because of some made-up reason that really just slows you down and keeps you from having what you want, for no good reason?

With sexuality, many people have a chronic problem with putting it on hold because, well, “I’d work on it if only I had the time,”. Alternatively, “I’d be able to get my needs met, if only I had the right lover." Maybe it goes something like this, “I’d indulge in something I want (a new toy, a weekend workshop, a pamper day) if only I had the money.” Or, “I’d have more fun sexually if only I were younger/prettier/didn’t have kids,” etc.

You disempower yourself and you prevent yourself from having what you really want with your “if onlys”. “If only,” is a clue you are making an excuse. How often do you find yourself thinking or saying, “I’d do it, if only...”? I want to suggest that you get that little phrase out of your vocabulary.

You might be thinking, well, I can do that for some things but not for others. I hear people make lots of excuses about why they don’t work on their sexuality and sexual relationships. They call me and claim they want to work on themselves, and then come the litany of reasons why they just can’t. At that point, I suggest they think about it and when they’re ready to make the commitment, contact me again.

I’m most interested in and satisfied by working with people who are committed to living more sexually fulfilled lives. People who want deeper levels of intimacy and more aligned, satisfying relationships. You want to know why I work with these people? Because when you’re committed to something, really committed, you drop the excuses and you do whatever it takes. That’s what makes it a commitment. And that makes what I do far more satisfying, than someone with one foot in and one foot out. If you find yourself going back and forth in your mind about something and lots of excuses keep coming up, you might be interested and in a place of contemplating it, but you have not yet made a decision to do it and there is no commitment.

Sometimes people even do relationships that way, even the ones they call “committed”. They have made a false commitment to someone because they are still waffling with excuses and “if only's” about the relationship.

Pay attention.  If you hear yourself saying things like: “Well, he’s a great guy. The relationship would be awesome if only he were a better lover, or if only he wanted kids…” or “Our sex life is good but not great. I get other things from her, so maybe this just isn’t the thing we will have”, or “We have good sex, but I want more emotional depth. If only he could provide that, I’d be totally fulfilled.” Many people settle in relationships, and then feel bad for settling. So to compensate for that and convince themselves they made a sound choice, they make excuses for their mate, or for why they are with them.

Does this sound familiar? I’ve certainly done it. So begin to notice where you are making excuses, holding back your own true desires with “if only's”. What can you begin to let go of and cut out? How much happier would you be if you let it go, and stopped making excuses for why you don’t do or can’t have something? It’s not bad to want something bigger for your sexuality. You are meant to expand sexually. If you are constricting rather than expanding, look at the reasons why and make a commitment to change them. The way to change your life is to take decisive action, commit and move.

What can you take action on right now in order to create movement in your life? What “if only's” will you let go of this week?

Cross posted with permission can be found here.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit her website to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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Enhance Your Sex Life. Role Play. (NSFW)

Have you ever felt, "Well, I'd like to do something, but I'm not in the mood to watch [feminist] porn." We've all been there. Playing with your lover is always lovely. Taking your normal making-love-session and adding a new game could be just the spice you need. You don't need much, just an idea. It'll feel different and new. Bonus: when he dresses like a pilot, he'll look really hot. GetLusty loves Amy Jo Goddard. Not only does she inspire sexual empowerment and education but she founded SPECTRA, a mentorship program aimed at helping sexuality professionals do better. Amy is hear to talk about opening up to possibility of monogamous sex with play.

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"Play is the exultation of the possible." –Martin Buber

Ever since I first came across that quote by Buber, I have kept it on one of my altars at home, a daily reminder of one of my core values. Play.

Remember, as a kid, the worlds you could create just by believing in the possibility they could exist? I remember making tents with blankets around the dining room table and chairs and inside appeared a special world where all sorts of magical things could happen. Creating plays with friends where we assigned roles and played them out. Using my imagination as a writer, even as a young kid to tell stories. Daring and trying things that seemed wild and imaginative, just to see what would happen. This was a world of tremendously powerful fantasy.

What are your memories of play? More importantly, when did you learn to stop doing that? “Quit your playing!” Did you hear that one? I did.

As children we instinctively live in possibility. Possibilities are absolutely endless until someone comes along, (often well-meaning), and tells you to stop. They tell you it’s not okay to play, that you need to “grow up.” That you need to stop “fooling around.” You begin to internalize the idea that to play is to be immature. It’s not serious enough or smart enough, and most important, it makes you vulnerable, because people see parts of you that are tender and sweet, the parts of you that know how to dream, when you play. And you can’t dream that big because you need to stay safe or in your place, wherever that is.

Many of us forget how to dream and live in possibility in our lives at large, and if you’ve forgotten how to dream and be in the possibility of your becoming and experiencing, then your sexual life is also going to become very limited.

I believe one of the most important secrets to having a joyful, fulfilling sexual life with longevity is play. Sexuality is not meant to be rote, routine or predictable, but many of us end up in sexual lives where we feel like that. Sometimes you feel bad about it, but you don’t know what to do about it.

I have had the joy of being a part of many sexual communities and events where people play: we live in possibility and we create elaborate plays or “scenes” where wild things can happen in a safe environment. I have learned a tremendous amount about myself and others by being in these playful sexual communities, where truly, anything is possible, and fantasy is encouraged and supported. Whether you do it in a larger community context or in your own private life, learning to play again will bring you the joy, lighthearted fun and creative expression that you are meant to have.

To have an intentionally playful sex life does many things for you. It also requires something from you. When you open yourself up to play, you get to explore and experience new things, new kinds of pleasure, new roles, new connection, new intimacy and lots of giggles. You get to bring out that little kid inside of you who knew how to do it. Most people feel pretty protective of that little kid. I know I do. So you might worry about what’s going to happen to your little one if you bring it out to play and you might fear they will get shut down again.

That kid is one of the best tools you have to keep your sex life fun, light, adventurous and playful. And, it requires that you take a risk and bring it out, let it explore new terrain or suggest things that might not feel safe. Ask yourself which is greater, the risk of introducing something new into your sexual life and being in a playful space with your lover(s), or keeping yourself from doing so and not shaking things up. Weigh your risk. And remember that without taking the risk, you’ll never truly know what is possible.

Your Sexual Empowerment Assignment:

Make a list of 5-10 things you would like to explore, expand on, or try on in your sex life. A role you’d like to play. A sex act you’d like to try. A power dynamic you want to step into. DO NOT sit there telling yourself all the reasons why you can’t do it or all the things you just know your partner will say about it if you ever spoke your list aloud.

Just light a candle, come into the quiet or put on a piece of sexy music and let your fantasies run wild and make your list from a place of possibility. You can decide later how you can make it happen or whether you will take the risk. For now, just give this moment of sexual possibility and play to yourself.

Originally published at Amy Jo Goddard's website.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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3 Simple Solutions for Erectile Problems

Relationships are never easy, and will never be. Relationships take time, effort, and lots of care. So when something changes in us physically, mentally, emotionally, we need to be able to open up and communicate to our partner in order to keep our relationship strong. For men, having an erection is a symbol of their manhood. But, as time moves forward, some men may experience loss of erections, or erectile dysfunction. However, this doesn't mean that your sex life is over, or you should ever feel ashamed or embarrassed. Amy Jo Goddard is here to talk about the elusive erection and offers tips on how to approach the subject, not hide from it.

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It’s the big unspoken secret. There is a real sadness many men (and their partners) have about the waning state of their erections. Why does it happen? For many reasons. Be it due to aging or other challenges in their relationships. Many men will blow it off by feigning a new disinterest in sex. And some really are less interested than ever before with many biochemical and emotional changes at work.

#1 Don't feel ashamed; communicate

Sometimes men begin to avoid sexual situations all together because they fear embarrassment, more shame, and guilt that they can’t please their partner the way they think he or she wants to be pleased. That potential humiliation is enough to shut a man down sexually. And if he shuts down, often, his partner will shut down too. And that’s really no fun. The partner may also feel angry, frustrated, lonely and resentful towards him for abandoning their sexual life, wanting some of that juicy sexiness back. And there is no reason why you can’t reclaim it.

For many men, their sexual prowess is built on having big erections and hard cocks with which to please their partners. When their erections become elusive, a deep shame can creep in that separates a man from his partner and inhibits sex. The really sad part is that this situation could do just the opposite and bring lovers closer together if they are able to communicate honestly and create solutions.

#2 Consider the alternatives 

My co-author Kurt Brungardt and I wrote about this in Lesbian Sex Secrets for Men; the idea that it’s actually very freeing for men to let go of their cocks being at the center of the game. Men who learn to use their fingers, hands, mouths and brains in sex will be far less destabilized when erectile difficulties crop up. They know they have many tools of pleasure at the ready and they will use them rather than the alternative: avoiding sex altogether.

This is not to say there won’t be a sense of loss for many men as things in their bodies and sexual functioning change. Sometimes there is a real loss to grieve and it’s important to get support for those feelings.

On some level, we all experience loss as we age and our sexual functioning changes. Rather than getting stuck in our guilt, fears, or sadness about it, we can work towards embracing change and our new life stage.

#3 Embrace change

I know that’s not what a lot of people want to hear. This is part of the denial that fuels Viagra sales. Viagra may be right for some people in some situations, but more important is to work on what’s contributing to erectile difficulties and the feelings and reactions men and their partners have when they come up.

When a man and his partner handle erectile difficulties with grace, new ideas for pleasure open up and more sexual fulfillment is possible. Sometimes, dare I say, better than before. And sometimes, the erections come back. Win. Win. So why not tackle it head on?

What is your experience with the elusive erection? I’d love to hear you chime in on this.

Originally posted at Amy Jo's blog here.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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Sex is a Skill: Practice Makes Perfect

Sex doesn't happen like it does in the movies (wait, what movies are you watching?!). No one is perfect at it. It is a skill that everyone should work on to better not only their love lives but the love lives of their partner(s). The more you grow in the bedroom, the more orgasms you will experience!

Further, great sex is like happiness. Once you've found it, then after a while, you loose it. You have to keep working on it; keep improving skills, expanding your knowledge. Amy Jo Goddard is back to help us with why you need to stay fresh on sex ed. Tell em', Amy!

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Sex doesn't come naturally 

I made my students repeat aloud “Sex is a skill,” as I was beginning the sexuality module in my college courses last week, their collective voices paired with open and uncomfortable grins. I am always amazed at how many people do not realize that. Yes, sex requires skill! It does not come naturally. Nothing does, except maybe breathing. When we come into this world, we don’t know how to do anything—not even eat.

That’s why there are so many breast-feeding consultants. Babies need to learn how to take their mothers’ breast into their mouths and suckle, and new moms need to learn how to teach them!

When we are born, we don’t know how to drive a car, play Frisbee or soccer, cook a turkey, or dress ourselves with style. All of these things must be learned. And so must sex.

Yet we have all these romantic notions that somehow sex is just natural, it “just happens” and, it’s perfect with "the one" you love, right? Gender roles have a particular hold on men in this ready-and-able department—quietly dictating that men should always want sex, be ready for sex and know how to do it. Whoah! Pressure!

Most of us experience fumbly, awkward, unsexy early ventures into the forays of sexual pleasuring with a partner. In a culture like ours, where we place so little emphasis on teaching sex education, we are all left to fumble about and try to figure it out on our own. Sometimes we have a happy accident and something new is learned and pleasures, even orgasms, happen. Cheers for happy accidents! But by and large, if we don’t work on learning the skills of sex, the quality of our sexual lives will reflect that lack of emphasis.

Practice makes perfect

All skills require practice to become good at them and sex is no different. So since most of us had no sex education, or had limited education that focused on prevention of unwanted consequences, we have to roll up our adult sleeves and do the work to learn the language of erotic pleasure.

When we take time to develop our sexual skills—everything from sexual techniques, breathing/ breathwork, anatomy & sexual functioning, communication, how to create deeper intimacy/relationships, developing awareness of desires, or how to be playful—we reap the rewards with more satisfying sexual lives, bigger orgasms, and deeper sexual connection and intimacy. What sexually active person wouldn’t want that?

So what sexual muscle do you want to work on? This year I decided I wanted to have 10 sexual firsts. I’m well past 7 or 8 already. It’s fun to figure out what’s next and to be surprised. I’ve been teaching sexuality for 15 years, but there is always room to grow.

Homework

Your assignment, should you choose to accept? Make a list of the top 5 or 10 sexual skills you’d like to learn or improve. Then look at where and how you could learn those things. What books could you read?

What teachers and coaches work on these issues? What lover might explore them with you? What offline or online events could help? What community resources might be useful? Your sex life and sex skills will not magically get better or materialize out of nothing.

They will develop out of your consciousness and commitment to grow them. My education and coaching work are my commitment to helping people grow sexually. I’d be happy to help, or recommend someone else who might be a good fit for you. Feel free to contact me directly about it! But whatever you do, put some energy into your sexual life this year!

Check out the original post can be found here.

Also, a quick note! Throughout October, we'll be giving away products, discounts and special privileges to our GetLusty community. For example, by October 15th, we're giving away a Sqweel 2, the world's best selling oral sex toy. Become a member of our growing community. 'Like' us on Facebook and/or subscribe to our eNewsletter to join in (and win in the process).

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at Amy Jo Goddard. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on Twitter @amyjogoddard or 'Like' her on Facebook.

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Planning Makes Sex Hot (Are You Surprised?)

In the real world, sex can more often than not be put on hold. When our lives get too busy, spontaneity isn't realistic anymore and for that reason, sex happens less and less. Planning may not seem hot at all.

You plan to workout, plan weekly meal plans, or plan vacations months in advance. With so much planning, sex is naturally something you shouldn't have to organize, right? Wrong. Amy Jo Goddard, sexuality educator and founder of SPECTRA, is here to explain why planning actually makes for hotter sex!

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Spontaneous sex is a myth 

People have many myths and misunderstandings about sexuality, and in my work one of the biggest myths I’ve heard over and over about sex is that it should just “be spontaneous” or that it “should just happen.” Somehow the idea that sex shouldn’t require effort has seeped into our psyches and that idea prevents us from taking the time or energy to make it hotter, better and more fulfilling.

Some of the best sex I have ever had was planned. Whether it meant just setting aside time with my lover to devote to it so we could be present and not feel like we were squeezing it in between other things, or whether it was an elaborate, creative date that required a few errands, a few emails to entice one another or some other form of organization, in either case, a plan was required. In fact, for a creative date, sex has begun when the scheming begins and for me, that’s half the fun!

I’m often surprised by how resistant my clients and students are to this idea. I’ve noticed people sometimes get a little sad or disappointed that this is what their sex life will require if they want it to be or stay juicy. The reality is that our lives are busy and we fill up our time with things easily, so if we don’t schedule time for sex, or put a little effort into maintaining sexual connection with a lover, it just won’t happen. We will easily find other things to fill our time with.

I don’t work out if I don’t schedule it. I am not as productive with my work if I don’t schedule my tasks and work time. I don’t go see shows or have dates with friends without some scheduling, so scheduling is not the issue. Most things require some scheduling in order for them to happen.

How planning is sex hot

 

The issue is more of an internal want for sex to magically happen and the idea that spontaneity is the key ingredient that will make it hot. Spontaneity can make it hot. But how many times did you put on some sexy undergarment or pack a sexy toy when you had a date in hopes it would involve sex? Think about how you might have flirted over dinner or even with a new acquaintance at a bar or social event in hopes of it leading to something sexual. We instill or create our sexy plans in many ways. Nothing wrong with that, in fact, it’s sexy. It’s you taking the reins with your sexuality, getting your sexual needs met and expressing what you want.

The problem for some people is that they don’t know what they want. If you don’t know what you want, how do you get it? It’s pretty hard. I’ll save that topic for another post.

As for making sex hot, what is a want you are aware you have right now? A fantasy, a wish, or a desire of some sort? Is it clear whom you want to do it with? If so, write them an email, a text, or even better, a little note you drop in the mail, and proposition them.

Send them an invitation. Tell them what you’d like to do to or with them and invite them! Or if you want to keep it more mysterious, invite them for a sexy date with you and say no more about it, except to give them three things you want them to do, bring or wear in preparation for the date. Your invitation will get their creative juices flowing as well as your own. Sexy, hot fun has begun already!

Make it special: plan

And if you want to have some sexy hot fun with yourself, all of this applies to you too. Invite yourself to a sexy date, and get a new outfit for yourself. Give yourself a delicious bath, take yourself to buy a new sex toy, stay in and use what you got, watch that new porn you just got…anything goes. Enjoy dressing up and being hot for YOU. No matter what, it starts there anyway. And if you are sharing your hotness with a lover, everyone wins.

Find this awesome post on Amy Jo Goddard's blog here.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and can be found blogging about all things sexual that make her tingle at http://www.amyjogoddard.com. Also find her on Twitter at @AmyJoGoddard and Subscribe on Facebook. 

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