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Here I am, lucky enough to learn the in's and out's of my sexuality fairly thoroughly. I know what makes me tick, tock, and even KABOOM. As I explored along the way, I learned how to be comfortable enough with myself and my lover/s to ask for what I wanted. It’s not an easy task to say the least, and it took time. It takes a real level of vulnerability that a lot of people just aren’t able to access. However, look at the other choice! Amassing a collection of unsatisfying experiences? No, no. But, hey, we’ve all had those. So after awhile, you just have to take that bull of sex by its horns.
Knowledge is power, right? But what if you ask for something that maybe the other person isn’t expecting to hear? What if you ask for something that they’re just not into?
We were together when my “sexploration” was all new and shiny, and for the most part, uncharted territory. It's fairly safe to say that he came into my life just as I was about to embark on figuring out just who I was as a sexual creature. In fact, I had my very first threesome and my very first experience with a female lover, with him. Ah, the memories.
Now, our sexual escapades together have been fairly low key as far as I’m concerned. Stop laughing. The threesome I mentioned is mild compared to the meat of the journey. Really, in truth, we’ve been fairly standard fare lovers with each other from that time out, in light of where I explored without him. Recently, he asked me “Tell me what you want. Tell me what to do.” And then it happened; that awkward moment when I wished, in a moment of self-consciousness, that I could take my answer back.
I went out on a limb
“Do you like anal?”, I queried. Silence. "With the right person, and in the right moment," he answered. We have not spoken of it since. And I knew the answer, which really is a “No”, before I even asked him. I was caught in this moment that sounded like this in my head, “Oh, uh yeah, me either, just kidding.” I knew that, because in all 17+ years of being lovers with him, he’s never “made a move”, nor implied in conversation, that he would like to add that to our sexual menu. I, being the explorer, went out on a limb.
So, there is this stereotype that all men are just longing for the “so taboo” anal sex experience. As the stereotype goes, men are always finding their female partners to be completely reluctant.
I got embarrassed
OK, I get it. Even I am picky about the circumstances of playing anally, but really, suddenly I was having this total feeling of school-girl embarrassment come over me, that I had not experienced in a long time. And it’s not like we were new lovers, we had a rich sexual relationship. The question here being more, “Why am I now embarrassed?”, more so than, “Why doesn’t he want to?”. Because honestly, we all have those things that trip our triggers. While that might be high on my list, it doesn’t mean it will be even be a blip on his radar.
Prepare for surprise, but do it anyway
Stereotypes may have some truth, but are not an across the board rule book, and that goes both ways. There are men that love anal, men that don’t, women that love anal, and women that will strangle the shit out of you if you even dare think about trying it. I am one of those rare exceptions, and I love it! So, my intrepid sexplorers, remember this; “Tell me what you want”, is as difficult a question to answer, as it is to ask. Have some respect for the vulnerability that it takes to answer, just as you would like for having done the asking. And always, prepare to be surprised.
Seeking to shatter the myth that "nice girls don't talk about sex", and somehow trying to survive her mid-30's in suburbia without large doses of vodka, Portia Blush is a saucy Sapiosexual who shares with an infectious wit and a candid vulnerability about her explorations of sex, love, intimacy, kink, the occasional obsession, and everything in between; one true story at a time.
She has over 10 years experience playing Switchy in the BD/SM scene, and has explored a myriad of relationship configurations from monogamous to poly. She holds a BFA from some hoity-toity NYC art school, and still ponders the meaning of life on a regular basis. Follow her on Twitter @erogenousblog and Facebook and of course, ErogenoUS her blog.